Day Eleven: All Dogs Go To Heaven (4: Itchy's Revenge)

With "Jumper" coming out on DVD last week, I will use this post to discuss my thoughts when I first saw the movie (in theatres, with Wild Willis). I first saw this movie for 2 reasons. 1) Special effects and 2) Rachel Bilson. I was not disappointed with the special effects, nor was I disappointed with Rachel Bilson (although I wish the obligatory sex scene had been longer).

However, every other part of the movie was terrible. Plot? Didnt make sense. Characters? Thin as ice. Hayden Christensen in it? Check. I'm not going to go in detail about any of this because this is not a movie review website and I'm not Rotten Tomatoes. However, I am going to point out a couple instances where this movie just shows how dumb and illogical it is, and how stupid it thinks the audience is.

You know the part in "Thank You For Smoking" when Aaron Eckhart is talking to Rob Lowe about how they can get people to smoke cigs in space if its an oxygen environment? Rob Lowe says, "But thats an easy fix. Just one line of dialogue, "Thank god we invented the...you know...whatever device." THE ENTIRE MOVIE WAS LITTERED with shit like this.

There is a part in Jumper towards the end when Hayden is on the run. He is looking for Rachel Bilson and goes to the bar where she works. He asks the bar tender: WHERE IS RACHEL BILSON! The bartender says something along the lines of "Oh. You're old friend from high school just came over here and asked where you were. I told him where you lived. I think Rachel went there to look for you too."

The old friend from high school was Samuel L. Jackson who has a white head of hair, black goatee, carries a long electrical cane and is dressed in a series of turtlenecks, collarless shirts and trench coats. WHY ON EARTH would this bartender believe him when he says he is the 26 year old Hayden's HIGH SCHOOL buddy. Samuel L. Jackson looks like a freak. (Look at the picture. Would you believe THIS GUY was friends with Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen?) Why would she tell Samuel where he LIVED? That was just a plot device to come up with an excuse for how Samuel L tracked Rachel Bilson down and it was lame, and stupid and illogical and DIDNT WORK ON ME.

The next stupid thing in the movie is the whole plot involving Hayden's mom, played by Diane Lane. Diane Lane is the head of a secret organization who's job it is to kill Jumpers. When she finds out that Hayden is a Jumper when he is a young boy, she leaves the family because she does not want to have to turn her son in...to herself. She then starts a new life, even having a daughter with someone else. Now while its obvious why Diane Lane is in this movie ($) its not obvious why she would rather keep her job than her son. That does not make any sense at all. This woman's whole job is to KILL jumpers and when she finds out her son is one, she decides that rather than kill her son...she'll abandon him. Really? She doesnt have a change of heart about professions? Doesnt think, "hey, my son is a jumper and he's not that bad, maybe I shouldnt be KILLING PEOPLE LIKE HIM!"

At the end of the movie, she tells him to run--she'll give him a head start. What a nice mom.

Anyway, this movie was just a great premise that never went anywhere, despite the fact that Hayden Christensen went EVERYWHERE. Not even Billy Elliot could save it.


Also--it appears Marc Gasol, Pau Gasol's brother is going to be joining Memphis next year. If you dont remember, to get Pau Gasol, the Lakers traded Memphis the rights to Marc Gasol who they had drafted the year earlier. Is that how deals are made in the NBA now? Hypothetical conversation between Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak and Chris Wallace, the Memphis GM:

Mitch: Alright, so we're almost done making this deal.
Chris: Yep.
Mitch: Run it back by me.
Chris: We give you our best player, Pau Gasol, for your two worst players, Kwame Brown and Javaris Crittenton. Plus some draft picks. Plus the rights to Aaron McKie
Mitch: Who no longer plays in the NBA and is a volunteer asst. coach for the 76ers.
Chris: Correct. AND--Pau Gasol's brother.
Mitch: Good. Now are you sure you want just his brother? I can throw in his Aunt Miriam. She makes a great Spanish chili.
Chris: No, just the brother.
Mitch: Deal.

What if family members could always be included in deals? Hypothetical convo between the Miami Heat and LA Clippers:

Heat: Alright I want Elton Brand.
Clippers: Well we want Dwayne Wade
Heat: Well how about if we give you Elton Brand's nephew and a refrigerator
Clippers: How about just the refrigerator and Udonis Haslem's first born?
Heat: Does he play basketball?
Clippers: No, but my wife is barren.
Heat: I'm sorry.
Clippers: It's ok. Its her fault.
Heat: Where were we?
Clippers: We want Dwayne Wade, your #2 draft pick and the rights to Tim Hardaway.
Heat: Tim Hardaway retired 10 years ago. I dont even know where he lives
Clippers: GIVE US TIM HARDAWAY
Heat: Fine! You got Tim Hardaway, our number 2 pick, Udonis Haslem's first born and we get Elton Brand's nephew.
Clippers: His nephew is a really funny. He makes me laugh, like all the time. Sometimes he says things like, "white people be crazy when they do this!" AND I DO DO THIS.
Heat: That's great. I love laughter.
Clippers: I'm so glad we're friends.
Heat: Me too. Promise me we'll be friends forever.
Clippers: LONGER THAN FOREVER
Heat: Infinity and BEYOND
Clippers: Buzz LIGHTYEAR!
Heat: You got it!
Clippers: I got it cause we saw that together? Remember, for Alonzo Mourning's 4th post-kidney transplant after party?
Heat: That party was sick!
Clippers: I think that's when I got AIDS.
Heat: Thats a shame.
Clippers: Well I'm ok now. It was like the "temporary aids."
Heat: I've never heard of that.
Clippers: It's totally real.
Heat: I'm sure it is. I'm sure it is.


On a completely separate note, it's finally nice to see some honesty from today's NBA players: When asked the question, "Would you be willing to take less money to go to a contender?" Ron Artest responded, "Oh, never. Not in a million years. Actually not in 10 million years." When asked, "Really?" Artest responded, "Make that 3 million years." Way to go with the truth RON RON.

Until tomorrow--