Last week I read somewhere about translated movie titles of American movies in foreign markets and I thought I'd share some of them here cause they are so funny: In Israel: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs translates to It's Raining Falafel! Knocked Up translates to The Guy Who Screwed Me She's the Man translates to She's Got Balls
In France: The Hangover translates to Very Bad Night Cruel Intentions translates to Sex Intentions The Matrix translates to The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses
In Germany: Airplane! translates to The Unbelievable Trip In A Wacky Aeroplane Annie Hall translates to Urban Neurotic
In Italy: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind translates to If You Leave Me I Delete You
In the Czech Republic: Hot Shots translates to Warm Shots
In Argentina: Grease translates to Vaseline!
That's enough of that. If you guys know more, post them in the comments.
The next thing on the list is a discussion of sexy women who marry weird looking dudes. We see it on sitcoms all the time. How did SHE end up with Jim Belushi?! How did SHE end up with Mike O'Malley? How did SHE end up with Peter Griffin? We all know about Janet Jackson dating Jermaine Dupri and how gross that was. But lets look at 2 more recent examples of this:
Recently, two of Mad Men's female stars, Elisabeth Moss and Christina Hendricks, got married. Both to weird, nebbishly looking dudes. Elisabeth Moss in my opinion is not that attractive, but I guess she's cute, and she's considered one of the more talented young actresses in Hollywood. She was even nominated for an Emmy last year. She could have used her clout to snag one of Hollywood's hot youngin's but she decided to go for the more unconventional route. She's currently married to SNL castmember Fred Armisen. Don't get me wrong, I love Fred Armisen, but he's a tiny, weird lookin dude.
Christina Hendrick's example is far more unsettling. This woman, who plays Joan on Mad Men*, is perhaps the sexiest woman alive right now. And she decided to marry this guy: Geoffrey Arend. He's the guy in Super Troopers who says, "These Snozzberries Taste Like Snozzberries!" I dont think he deserves to stand in the same room as Ms. Hendricks! If she is a 10, then he is a 2. And it's not like he's Lyle Lovett or Dwight Yoakam who are ugly, but famous and legendarily charming. He's not even David Spade who has a history of banging hot blonds (Heather Locklear, Nicolette Sheridan, Playmate Jillian Grace etc.)
ASIDE: Adam Corolla has a theory that I think has some truth. Women like to date men who have dated hot women because it affirms that they themselves are hot. Why else would anyone date David Spade? He's not that funny, he is about 5 foot nothing, and is about as interesting looking as a table. The story behind Adam's theory is that one time when Corrolla was on the Howard Stern show, he met a hot blond model. Apparently Spade was supposed to appear on the show as well. Adam went up to the model and said, "Hey, do you want me to introduce you to David Spade?" To which the model replied, "Oooh. He dates really hot blonds right? Sure!" She didn't say, "Oh he's cute." Or "Oh, he's funny!" She was clearly interested because she knew that dating him would affirm her own "hotness." Absurd.
BACK TO JOAN. She could have gotten any guy she wanted, and she chose snozzberries? Maybe they started dating before she was famous, but still! He's a 2, she's a 10. You might say, well she plays the accordion, so she cant be a 10. FALSE. Because she plays the accordion she He's a stringbean and she's a whole lotta woman. Can he possibly please her sexually?
Side note: People have speculated if Ms. Hendrick's curves and chest are padded for the show. But as evidenced by this picture...they're real and they're spectacular!
I guess the world is just a crazy, illogical place sometimes, where beauty and the beast can get it on, and where Mystery can wear a huge hat with feathers and goggles and suddenly be The Sexiest Man Alive. Where the talented and graceful Brittany Murphy perishes way too early, but Paris Hilton is still walking around giving people STDs. Where Jennifer Hudson can win an Oscar before Kate Winslet. Where a movie about 9 foot tall, tailed, blue creatures makes $250 million worldwide opening weekend!
BTW: AVATAR=Alice and Wonderland + The Matrix + Pocahontas + The Last of the Mohicans + Dances with Wolves + Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest + Wall-E+Platoon
Where Paul Blart: Mall Cop can merit a sequel. Where Transformers can make $700 million but The Hurt Locker only makes $13.6 million. Where Arrested Development lasts 2 1/2 seasons but "Still Standing" and "Yes, Dear" are syndicated. Where a petition to free Roman Polanski is signed by many, even though he drugged, raped and then sodomized a 13 year old girl. Where Sandra Bullock can get nominated for any sort of award for her performance in The Proposal. AND where a character on 30 Rock needs a kidney transplant, and only 5 months later, an actual cast member (Grizz) needs a kidney. Such cruel irony, world. Such cruel irony.
LASTLY: I just went to a comedy show at the Largo last night. Here are my calls: Paul F. Tompkins: A Jon Cryer: B- Woman comedian talking about the Golden Girls: B Nick Kroll (pictured): A++. THIS GUY is my new favorite comedian. Not only are his characters (Bobby Bottleservice in particular) hysterical, but his stand-up left me bowled over with laughter. Tig Notaro: B+ Greg Proops: C
Until Tomorrow---
*When Jon Hamm and January Jones kiss each other on Mad Men who do you think feels luckier? Is Jon Hamm thinking, "Wow! I cant believe I'm getting paid to kiss this beautiful woman!" Or is January Jones thinking (in a Borat voice), "Wa Wa Wee Wa! I cannot believe I'm kissing this man who's brawn and masculinity is only exceeded by his handsomeness!" Personally, I think she feels luckier. ** I just read that former Los Angeles Laker Rick Fox is dating Dollhouse's Eliza Dushku. WOT.
Boy oh boy are you in for a treat. One of my most loyal and trusted readers Jeff "After watching LeBron I get so hyped up that I want to do Math" Hoffman (pictured right with the freakiest ginger kid I've ever seen) has finally decided to grace us with a guest post. Give yourself plenty of time for this one, its a doozy. But very worth the read. So without further ado:
My dad thinks that Michael Showalter is ugly but Michael Ian Black is cool because he used to watch Ed
-A Guest Post By Jeff Hoffman
I have decided to use Ethan’s blog to expound upon my strange dislike for Entourage, a show that I have loyally watched for the past four years.But before I discuss Entourage, I want to talk about the Killers.Don’t worry, we’ll get to our main point eventually.
Earlier this summer, I stumbled upon the Killers’s performance of a song from the MTV Europe Music Awards.My friend and I watched the footage with our proverbial mouths agape.“Are We Human or Are We Dancer?” Mr. Flowers asked the audience over a wash of synths, stupefying both philosophers and grammar enthusiasts alike.I am sure that you, dear reader, are familiar with this song, but this performance was my first exposure to Flowers’s deep thought provocations.
Last weekend I was in Chicago and on Sunday I decided to go to the last day of Lollapalooza, mainly to see Passion Pit, Snoop, Dan Deacon, and to a lesser extent, Vampire Weekend.The fact that the Killers were headlining that night was inconsequential since I had lost interest in the band after they became MTV staples (as is my music elitist way).I would be coming down from a long day of (partially artificial) excitement, and figured it would be a fun show. And boy what a show it was.By kicking off with that “Human/Dancer” song, the audience was Flowers’s for the taking, and take us he did.While I was unfamiliar with most of the songs from the last two albums, the end of the set ended up being a round of knockout punches.“Mr. Brightside,” “All These Things That I’ve Done,” “Jenny Was a Friend of Mine,” and finally, “When You Were Young.”I couldn’t help but dance, despite my white jewishness and the extremely conscious knowledge of my uncanny ability to be an awful dancer (see below).It was only then, once I had entered the Dancer realm, that I noticed a couple of things.First, despite the guitarist being quite good, his instrument was obscured by the operatic quality of Flower’s voice (who more melodically yells than sings) and the inorganic sounds of the synthesizers.There seemed to be some sort of sheen on all of these songs, as if they were being produced for a record in front of us, rather than just played.Second, the band appeared to be playing in front of plastic palm trees, emulating their native Las Vegas.Third, during this last part of the concert, the video screens behind the band displayed deserts and wide-open skyscapes, quite the opposite of the city skyline that was actually behind them as the concert was in the middle of downtown Chicago.All of these things that I noticed are points to my central thesis presented here.It all seemed inorganic.Artificial.Like the bright lights and synthesizers were urging us to dance, because it is something that we should do rather than want to do.As is inherent in the human condition.We were Human.And only because we were Human we could be Dancer.
At 10:00 central time on a Sunday, as the last notes of “Young” filtered through the air, the fireworks and video screens petered out and I turned to the friend on my left, the same guy who I had watched the MTV performance with, and said “Wow.I feel like I just watched Entourage.”Not in a good way or a bad way.Nevertheless, I immediately realized why I needed to stop watching.
That was my long-winded introduction to my hate letter to Entourage.I have had a week now to think about Brandon Flowers’s Human/Dancer quandary, and have come to the conclusion that it is not a question at all, but rather a weak attempt at being prolific.Reaching beyond his grasp.The words are not what matters, but rather their sound and how they react to the music.The Killers are all style, no substance.Nobody watches Entourage for the storylines.They watch for the glitz, the glamour, the pretty girls and the strangely magical effortless quality that Vince has to lay any girl that he wants.Every guy wants to be in the Entourage group of guys, but few realize that Vince’s world is an idealized, unattainable paradise of pot smoking and bad acting.And these guys barely even smoke anymore. (ED NOTE: I google imaged "turtle smoking" and this is what I got. I love google.") What the fuck?That was my lone connection to them.But I digress.Now allow for some further digression.
Earlier tonight I watched Mad Men on AMC, possibly the best-written and acted show on television today.I care about these characters.I wonder where the series is going.Who will win in this new rivalry between Pete and Ken?I think Pete is going to do something very bad to Ken.It appears that Sal (pictured right) is going to have a season exploring his sexuality.Will he come out to the office?His wife?Will Don ask him what was going on in the hotel?No, probably, and definitely not, as Don knows a man’s business is his business.Don Draper is pretty much a married Vince.He gets any girl he wants and he doesn’t even have to try.Tonight he barely lifted a finger and that engaged stewardess wanted all up in him.That neither of these guys have yet to contract some weird STD is completely crazy.It is important to note that this question would not come up in a conversation about Mad Men but could potentially come up in ANY conversation about Entourage.But why do I care so much more about what happens to Don than what happens to Vince.Maybe it is because Vince obviously couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag while Don has been acting his whole life.
The fact that none of the guys on Entourage can act(unless Kevin Dillon so immerses himself in this role that he is secretly the best actor on TV…he did get an Emmy nomination after all) is a much smaller problem when compared to the reason why I cannot invest in the show.It is the most predictable show on TV.Were any of you surprised that Vince would bounce back after his one episode run of hitting rock bottom (last season)?Were any of you surprised that Mrs. Ari took Ari back in Sunday’s episode?Of course not.This show is simply a vehicle for a bunch of people to have a good time while pulling a fast one on their audience.Remember an earlier episode this season where Johnny Drama got to try out different models for his love interest and how excited he was?KEVIN DILLON ACTUALLY GOT TO DO THIS!!!!He just shot a scene kissing 10+ models!He is living the life of his character.Either the Entourage creative team is made up of the smartest guys in the room, writing scripts so subversive and satirical of Hollywood that no one even realizes that they are subversive or satirical or they are just idiots.I would lean towards the latter.Remember when Jamie Lynn Siegler guest starred on Drama’s show and the way it would potentially jump-start her floundering career?How is that different than Ms. Siegler’s new role on Entourage???She is actually dating the guy who plays Turtle for fucks sake!Shouldn’t it have been a wake up call for the producers when they were casting E’s love interest Ashley and realized that they had to find an actress who was actually worse at acting than the guy who plays E?I get the feeling that this casting call was eerily similar to Drama’s in the show (Next!).I get a headache every time E and Ashley share a scene.Also, that girl’s eyebrows really bother me for some reason.All right, I am rambling here.Let me wrap up.
Entourage is a bad show.It is neither well written nor well acted.The characters are not compelling in the slightest and their storylines are not interesting because a five year old could tell you how they’ll turn out.Hmmmmm…you think that E will end up with Sloan again only to realize that he was more happy lusting after her than actually being with her?That his new boss is interested in him only because he is Vince’s manager, who is the BIGGEST STAR IN HOLLYWOOD?That Drama will get fired from his show, but will refuse to act out his death?That Jaime Lynn will break up with Turtle because he's too loyal to the guys?That the series finale will end with Vince telling the guys that he has AIDS while they are smoking opium and drinking martinis under the Hollywood sign while they discuss the various ways that they own the city?Well maybe not that last one but we should keep score for the rest.Either way, as long as I see that N for nudity before the show begins, I will be watching.Not because I am Human, but because I am Dancer.
SUPER PS. On a final note, I only find it kind of ironic that the band that the Killers were playing against at Lolla was Jane’s Addiction, performers of “Superman,” Entourage’s theme song.I only consciously realized this fact as I was writing this essay, although my subconscious could have kicked to motivate my statement at the end of the concert. I realize that I did not touch on Ari here and how that role has basically ruined Jeremy Piven’s acting career, but I value Piven’s overacting as much as I value that god-awful smirk that Adrian Grenier has on his face.If you haven’t realized that for the past 2 seasons Ari’s storylines have been trivial and inconsequential, then please pass me the Kool Aid.Only one thing could save this series for me.Coming Summer 2010, Lloyd’s of Hollywood.I would much rather follow that guy and his friends around than Vince anymore.Just leave out the gay sex please, HBO, I’m not really into that. (Ed. Note-Jeff's favorite character on Mad Men is Salvatore Romano).
What a post right! I agree whole-heartedly with Jeff's Entourage observations. And even though he said it all, and you all are probably sick of hearing about Entourage, because I dont want to take up ANOTHER post talking about it, I want to say just 4 things for myself.
1. Entourage is the only show I know that AVOIDS drama and change. Remember last season when Ari got offered the job as head of the studio? Why didnt he take it? It totally could have changed the dynamic of the show and developed new plots in interesting ways. And dont tell me its because it would have diminished the connection between Ari and Vince, because the last time Ari actually had a plot line where he tried to help Vince's career was when he got him the rights to Medellin.
Remember when Vince fired E last season? How long did that last? 5 minutes? Why didnt they let the suspense drag on from that season finale to this season's premiere at least? Or at least create some tension? I know audiences like for everything to be hunky-dory all the time, but audiences really do like suspense. Trust me.
2. Why hasnt Johnny Drama have a plot line until the 6th episode of this season! A plot that btw, doesnt make sense. Why would Johnny think that Jamie would fuck that network exec on one afternoon when she had been dating Turtle for months and obviously could do so much better any day of her life!
3. Where is this season/this show going? Season 2 (my favorite) was the best because the show had a goal: Get Vince in Aquaman. All the drama, including Vince's love with Mandy dealt with that. The project became so hyped and even the fun episodes like the Sundance one had plot elements that dealt with Aquaman. Now, what am I waiting for? Turtle to graduate? There is no direction on this show, and it is killing it.
4. The show is stale. I love seeing hot girls, but I barely saw the face of that college girl! Talk about objectifying women. Her point in this episode was to have a vagina that Vince could fuck so the writers wouldnt have to think of any story to give him.
And in terms of celebrity cameos, havent we seen Mark Wahlberg before? Oh yea, last season...on a golf course!
The truth is that we've already written more words about Entourage than the show deserves. It sucks. And heres two sad scoops for you to take home:
1. There is no irony for this show. The creator Doug Ellin takes the characters seriously. He thinks of them as real people based on him and his friends. My friend heard Doug speak about how Entourage is really a story about four friends who have undying loyalty for each other yada yada yada. So if they take this shitty show seriously, then imagine what type of shit we'd be getting if they DIDNT!
2. The truth is, none of us would be complaining about this show if it was on the CW. Since its on HBO, we expect better. So does HBO. HBO knows that creatively, the show sucks. The president of the company recently held a forum for HBO employees and some asked him why Entourage was so bad this season. The president said he knew it was bad, but the ratings were high, so there was nothing they cant complain.
So heres what we can do. Lets all shut up about a stupid fucking show thats just entertainment anyway and start spending time trying to stop European sex trafficking. Did you see TAKEN! That shit is real! And fucked up!
In Jay Leno Voice: So ahh....David Mamet is in the news today. Did you read about this? Did you hear about this? Apparently he's going to direct a new Anne Frank movie based on her diary.
In regular voice: You know what that means? JOKES!
Anne should have remembered: A B C. A always. B be. C closing. Always be closing. The window. So Nazis dont see her.
I cant wait to see Joe Mantegna and Bill Macy nail their performances as Papa and Mama Frank respectfully.
Even RICKY JAY'S MAGIC couldnt help the Frank family disappear!
Maybe Tarantino will have a directing cameo where the Franks get their revenge by going ape-shit all over the Nazis!
In this cameo Christopher Walken can also do a monologue about how he hid the Franks in his ass.
Maybe Jeremy Piven will sign on to this movie and then quit because his part doesnt involve him yelling into a phone. And he has mercury poisoning.
Sample Mamet Anne Frank dialogue: Otto (sees Anne looking out the window): ANNE! What- Anne: What? Otto: Why are you- Anne: Looking out the window? Otto: Yes. Why are you looking out the window? Anne: Because I was- Otto: You were-- Anne: Bored. Thats it. Bored Otto: Bored you say? Anne: Thats what I said didnt I? Otto: You were just so fucking bored. Anne: Well I'm in a fucking attic doing nothing but fucking brushing my hair all day and night. Otto: Well I'm sorry that hiding from Nazis didnt make it into your fucking daytimer!! Anne: FUCK YOU! Otto: FUCK YOU!
ALSO in the news: Michael Douglas' son Cameron again. 2 weeks ago he was arrested for attempting to smuggle crystal meth from New York to LA. He was released on bail, but confined to his mother's Manhattan apartment. He was just arrested though for having his girlfriend smuggle him heroin through...THE BATTERY COMPARTMENT OF AN ELECTRONIC TOOTHBRUSH! Police say they knew something was up when Cameron seemed very nervous and tense about when his toothbrush would arrive.
I dont know if I have anything hilarious to say about this other than its ironic that his dad was in TRAFFIC playing the head of the President's Office of National Drug Control. In the film, unbeknownst to him, his daughter is a huge coke addict. I guess this is yet another example of life imitating art....
LASTLY, some recommendations: WATCH- Michael and Michael Have Issues--The first episode started a little weak, but it just keeps getting better and better. The banter between the Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter is perfect, and the story lines of each episode are very clever and funny.
LISTEN (to) the COMEDY DEATH RAY RADIO PODCAST on iTunes. For free. It's an hour long comedy show with guests like Andy Samberg, Zach Galifinakis, Aziz Ansari, Jon Hamm, Rob Huebel, Nick Kroll, Paul Scheer, Weird Al and more. Its basically comedians joking around, doing characters, and making fun of Entourage. Which by the way....ABSOLUTELY SUCKS this season. It insults me.
Hey everyone, I know I am supposed to be writing Part 2 of the last post, but I think I would rather do "this" right now. "This" being, only writing short snippets of nonsense that I have picked up. So:
1st snippet: Have you heard of that movie The Dark Knight? It came out last summer. It was about a bat. Anyway, do you remember that actress who plays Commissioner Gordon's wife? The red head who's in about 4 scenes and cries in practically every one. Every time I saw the movie I racked my brain trying to figure out where I recognized her from. It killed me every time. Then, finally-without looking it up on IMDB, it hit me last night like a James Brown song. She was in that classic 1998 Leslie Nielsen spoof film, "Wrongfully Accused!" She plays Leslie's love interest--the sultry, silly "which side is she on" seductress Cass Lake, who has such funny lines as:
Cass Lake: You see, I think she's my sister. Ryan Harrison: Sister? Cass Lake: It's like a brother, only you do each other's hair.
There are other funny lines in this movie, such as Ryan Harrison: Don't move. I've got a gun. Not here, but I got one.
also: Ryan Harrison: [to Sean] Right? Signal "yes" by shooting yourself in the head three times. Lauren: Don't, it's a trick!
And I got one more for you just for kicks: Ryan Harrison: Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face. Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt. Ryan Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.
I usually dont quote that much on the blog, but this movie is actually pretty funny, and I just read all of those and each one made me laugh out loud. BOY! It actually felt good writing that entire phrase out. Laugh out loud. You should try it some time.
Anyway, not only was this actress in both these movies, but she also played a pivotal role in one of my favorite shows on teleivison-- MAD MEN! I know there are only some readers who actually watch the show (<5) but I'm going to write about it anyway to get you all to get in the game!
She played Bobbie Barrett! The last woman Don Draper had an affair with and then one who I wrote about a while back. She was the one he FISTED in the back of a restaurant!
Thats all I will write about that. I dont want to spoil anything for those of you (all of you) who havent watched Mad Men yet.
Anyway--impressive lady. Impressive body of work. Impressive crying in Dark Knight (I have now seen that movie 6 times btw, and I cant wait to watch it again.) Oh. And the actress's name is Melinda McGraw.*
One more thing to post. I just read this from a reliable source. (It was imdb). Why didnt I just say, "I read this on IMDB." Cause I like the term reliable source. It makes me sound like a journalist when really I am typing this post while wearing nothing but boxers in my bed, while listening to a song from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog's 2005 comedy album, "Come Poop With Me." Anyway! The News!
The stars of Harry Potter are getting a makeover from the team behind Brad Pitt's transformation for The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button - they're set to be digitally aged for the final movie.
They are going to use the same technology as they did in Benjamin Button to make the three stars of HP look older for the epilogue scene in the HP7P2. (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. They are splitting the last book into 2 movies to make more money). This means they'll probably use different actors' bodies and superimpose new digital faces of the original adorable threesome.
PS. If you could have a threesome with any "trio" of famous characters (must include at least one member of your same sex), who would it be? My top 3 off the top of my head.
1. Harry, Ron and Hermione 2. Lizzie McGuire, Miranda and Gordo 3. Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Princess Leia
(illegal 4th option): Any 3 of the members of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. (illegal and disturbing 5th option): Sonic, Tails and Knuckles
I guess this new Benjamin Button tech shit is cool. I just hope they dont make HP7P2 8 hours long.
This turned into a much longer post than I expected. Oh well. Better for you all.
Until Tomorrow---
*I did it. I spoke about The Dark Knight without mentioning Heath Ledger. Oh wait...shit.
I'm truly sorry I have not been posting as often as I should. I have been so busy lately so please forgive me!!!!
One of the reasons I was busy is because this past weekend I was in Chicago watching a lot of improv. Some highlights include:
Lyndsay Hailey of the Deltones
Watching "Radical Concept Improv"
Lyndsay Hailey is a cast performer in the Deltones, which is a musical-improv team at Improv Olympic. She has been a cast member there for at least a year (cause I saw her there last year) and she is one of the most phenomenally talented, hilarious improvisers I have ever seen. Mark my words, she will get on MadTV or SNL one day and be the next Kristen Wiig. She is also extremely gorgeous. So if you ever go to Chicago, see her shows. And if you are a talent scout or manager, I'd sign her right away!!
Radical Concept Improv is a show at IO on Saturday nights at Midnight where teams do improv in weird ways. This past week, 15 improvisers performed long form improv as senior citizens from Shady Maples Retirement Home. It was HILARIOUS. They were so committed and stayed in character the entire time. One of the highlights was one performer, the incomporable Peter Robbards (KARL and Suspicious of Whistler Alumn), who was in a wheelchair and kept being pushed into scenes, forcing him to justify his presence. Good fun.
If you are ever in Chicago--check out these two shows!
OK--now that that's out of the way I have something to say. Rarely do external factors (ie. movies, television, the news) severely effect my mood. If I see a sad movie, it might stay with me for a little while immediately afterwards, and then dissipate. If I see a funny episode of the Office, chances are I wont be thinking about it the next day. Only 2 external factors that I have no control over really effect my moods and give me trouble sleeping: 1- The Lakers 2- Harry Potter books. When something happens with the Lakers, whether a win, a loss, a trade rumor, a free agency looming etc, I cant stop thinking about it. The night Shaq was traded to Miami, I remember I was in Israel. I found out about it the night before I was supposed to wake up at 3 AM to take 2 hour bus ride to hike up to Masada. As tired as I was, I did not sleep the ENTIRE NIGHT. Not in my bed, not on the bus, not on the bus ride back, not in the afternoon, not the ENTIRE DAY. At every hour, all I was thinking about were the implications of this trade: Who is going to start? Is Kobe going to leave too? Is Brian Grant worth $55 million dollars? Is he worth more dead or alive? Why didnt we at least get D-Wade? What is Shaq going to do in Miami? Is Lamar Odom going to come back to LA and immediately start smoking weed again? Is he going to sell weed to the whole team? Are the entire Lakers going to be stoned on opening day? (PS. To this day, that picture still makes me want to cry) Last year, when Kobe said he wanted to be traded during training camp-my heart was about to explode. No joke. I couldnt concentrate on my homework, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat. All I could do was check ESPN.com every 10 seconds for an update. In the immortal words of Charlie Brown---AAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! When I read a Harry Potter book for the first time, I cant sleep because the book is so damn engrossing. If I am forced to put it down for say a meal, or a bathroom break, I cannot think about anything else. What's Harry going to do? Does Hermione really like that Victor Krum? Does Dumbledore really know what's up? Are there such things as wizards condoms? Thats why I now read Harry Potter books all in one sitting.
ANYWAY--THE POINT IS THIS.
I can now add one more thing to this list. MAD MEN. The 2008 Emmy Award Winner for Best Drama and Best Writing. That show is so damn engrossing, fascinating, and thought prevoking that I simply cannot get through my day without thinking about it at least fifteen times. I IMPLORE YOU to start watching this show. I swear on Mark Wahlberg's mother that it will be the best decision you will ever make.
Since this blog is supposed to be about nonsense, and not neccessarily movie/TV reviews, I will invite readers who want to increase their understanding of MAD MEN and other great shows to check out www.MEDIAMAVENMUSINGS.COM. This website is informative, well-written and really helps expand your knowledge and comprehension of quality entertainment.
LAST NOTE ON THE BLOG TODAY: Whatever happened to Brittany Murphy? She had a quality career as a teenage appearing on several TV shows including Sister, Sister, Almost Home (oh Chuckie Lee Torkelson, how you do amuse me and dare I say...the world), Blossom, Party of Five etc. Then she successfully made the transition into movies with her immortal role as Taj in "Clueless" (1995). After some small roles she broke out again in "Dont Say A Word," (2001) giving her her own catchphrase, "ILL NEVER TELLLL" and MTV Movie Award. She was a young star on the rise. She got starring roles in "8 Mile" (lose yourself in the music....) and "Just Married" (co-starring her boyfriend, a young punk named Kutch). She even got top billing the films "Uptown Girls" (not as good as the song) and "Little Black Book" which came out in 2004 (and for which she got paid $4 Million for! That's a lot for a woman in Hollywood whos not Cameron, Reese or Julia).
Then she all but dissapeared. She had a small role in "Sin City" and "The Groomsmen" (good ol' Eddie Burns), but now--POOF. Gone. She even was supposed to be the voice of Tinkerbell in the new Disney straight to DVD movie, Tinkerbell. But she lost that role to---you'll never guess---MAE WHITMAN (better known as ANN VEAL from ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT). I know what you're thinking--Her? YES. Her.
She's doing some small projects now, but what gives? I know she's had some trouble with her boyfriends/finances in the past, but what happened to her career? She had so much promise. She was attractive (Made lots of "Sexiest Women Alive" lists in her heyday), spunky, creepy, white trash and girl next door. She could sing, and women seemed to really like her. Those movies she headlined also didnt do particularly poorly at the Box Office. Did Hollywood decide that she just wasnt bankable? I dont have an answer, other than to say that her agent must really suck. Sorry Brittany. I dont particularly care for you, but I hope you find your career again. If Kate Hudson can keep making shitty chick flicks (Fool's Gold, My Best Friend's Girl, Raising Helen) then why cant you?
So as you can tell, I will not have the time to necessarily update the blog as frequently as I did during the summer. HOWEVER, you should still check it often as a new post may be up there when you least expect it. Having said that....
HERE IS THE NEW SAID POST! If I had to be one actor from the mid-eighties to early 90s I would probably want to be Christopher Lloyd. Mr. Lloyd has claimed a firm place in cinematic history as one of the best go-to manic character actors, and has also attached himself to some of the best/most popular movies of those days. Lets go through some of them shall we?
1. Back to the Future (1985): There is really nothing to discuss other than to say that this franchise is in my top 4 movies of all time (Airplane, Austin Powers and The Matrix probably being the other 3). It has action, adventure, humor, time-travel, (I guess there is something to discuss) an eighties soundtrack featuring Huey Lewis and the News, a giant clock tower, awesome chase scenes, a wicked cool/trippy concept, Libyans, an awesome logo, plutonium, Crispin Glover, the brother Dwayne from 'The Wonder Years', fire, and the best score of all time (yes, it is my ringtone). Taking all of that into consideration, even though Marty McFly is the hero of the film, Doc Brown is really the heart and soul of that movie. When he was shot by the Libyans, you (and by you I mean I) almost cried.
2. Clue (1985): Not neccessarily a classic, but the board game is, and the witty dialogue ("You see? Like the Mounties, we always get our man") , excellent casting (Tim Curry as the BUTLER!) and zany cast of characters make this movie a must-watch. This movie also has made it through the sands of time to be played on basic cable on Sunday afternoons. It also has developed a bit of a cult following, so thats 2 for 2 Mr. Lloyd.
3. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988): This movie is in my top 7. It is one of the most creative, hilarious, innovative, brilliant comedies of the past 25 years. The animation is unbelievable, the plot is engaging, and the cartoon that Christopher Lloyd turns into at the end of the movie is FUCKING SCARY (to be said in an increasingly high pitched voice): "Remember me Eddie! When I KILLED YOUR BROTHER! I SOUNDED JUST...LIKE....THIIIIIS!" Jessica Rabbit (as voiced by the sultry Kathleen Turner) is still the hottest cartoon of all time (No disrespect of course to Tanya Moskowtiz from "An American Tail"). I'd much rather watch her sing in a night club than watch Cameron Diaz sing circa "The Mask."
Furthermore, this is probably going to be THE movie Bob Hoskins is going to be remembered for (Sorry "Super Mario Bros," but Dennis Hopper really mailed in his performance as King Koopa. I much preferred him as Victor Drazen.) Even the Roger Rabbit cartoon that opens the film stands alone as a hilariously violent triumph. The real impressive aspect of the film is that Disney got Warner Bros to let them use Bugs Bunny and the whole gang of WB cartoons. Seeing Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny together taunt Bob Hoskins as he falls out of a window? Priceless.
4. The Dream Team (1989): This movie is decidedly much less popular or known, but it did star HUGE HOLLYWOOD STAR (at the time) MICHAEL KEATON. In case you are not familiar with this film, it is like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest but zany. It's about a bunch of mental hospital patients who go to New York to get fresh air, and end up going astray, getting framed for murder, and just causing a big ruckus in general. If you've never seen it before, well....dont rent it, but if its on TV at some point on Encore or something, I'd take a look. The truth is I remember liking it when I saw it when I was 10, and I havent seen it since. So who knows if it is actually good at all. Lets just move on.
5. The Addams Family (1991). This movie was a huge hit at the time. I havent seen it in years, but I probably never will. Why you ask? Well, when I was on a plane on the way to Israel when I was 6 years old, I sat in the first row right in front of the giant pull down movie screen (remember those?) It was a long flight and I was a very tired boy. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I remember staring into the enlarged face of a bald, pale, hunchbacked, creepy Uncle Fester. He was laughing and to a child of 6...well it wasnt very pleasant sight, especially after a nap. I freaked out and have been freaked out by the Addams Family movies ever since.*
*The other movie that played on that flight was none other than....Mrs. Doubfire! Why I remember this? I dont know. But then again I also dont know any math I learned in high school, so you figure it out.
6. THE FAMILY FRIENDLY 1994 3 PACK: Angels in the Outfield (1994), Camp Nowhere (1994), The Pagemaster (1994). All of these movies are friendly PG movies that champion the power of children's imagination. In AITO cutie patootie Joseph Gordon Levitt thinks he can save the Anaheim Angels season because he can see angels, lead by Christopher Lloyd, helping the team win. "Bahh-humbug" says grizzled manager Danny Glover who acts in every movie as if he is "too old for this shit." Luckily though, Danny begins to believe and everyone wins, including baseball players, Matthew McConaughey, Adrien Brody and Tony Danza. Interesting that Tony Danza was the highest billed guy in the movie at the time, and now he is a poor schumuck probably waiting to appear on "Dancing with the Stars."
"Camp Nowhere" is about a camp that KIDS MAKE THE RULES! NO ADULTS ALLOWED! KIDS RULE! KIDS ARE AWESOME! YEA! Really cool kid stars Jonathan Jackson and Andrew Keegan were the stars of this film (which also featured a young, but still scorching Jessica Alba). Chirstopher Lloyd played the crazy homeless guy who posed as the camp director so the parents wouldnt know what was going on. DID I MENTION--KIDS RULE! I watched this film at camp one summer when I was in the infirmary, sick with a fever. I was drifting in and out of sleep during the movie, but I specifically remember jumping out of my bed to go vomit in the toilet just as the BOY and GIRL were about to kiss. Ahh....good times.
FINALLY-"The Pagemaster" starred Macauly Culkin as a wimpy nerd who gets trapped in a library where all the books came to life and sounded surprisingly like Whoopi Goldberg, Patrick Stewart and Leonard Nimoy. This was a very imaginative idea, and the animation was cool. Ed Begley Jr. as Macauly Culkin's dad was ever cooler. This movie was also surprisingly scary, especially CLloyd as THE PAGEMASTER, but then again, when Christopher Lloyd is in a movie, the fear factor does jump up about 10 notches.
ALL in all C. Lloyd has had a pretty awesome career. He is the craziest mother fucker this side of normal town. I like him a lot. NEW ADDITION--I saw C.Lloyd in this "Goosebumps Haunted Lifehouse" 4D Movie (one of those where if its windy, they blow air in your face) at Sea World a year or so ago and he was in it! He played this crazy old sea captain! But you know who else was in that movie? Michael McKean and Lea Thompson (Lorraine McFly herself!). And then Weird Al had a cameo at the end as a waiter which was totally unexpected and awesome. So the moral is if you go to SeaWorld, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.
Until Tommorrow--
PS. Did anyone catch the Mad Men a couple weeks ago where Bobbe was trying to black ball Don Draper in a restaurant? While his wife is at the table, Don follows Bobbe to the restroom, and in the hallway, proceeds to STICK HIS FIST INTO HER VAGINA, and tell her never fuck with him again. Needless to say, she got the message. What message? That DON DRAPER IS THE MAN.
I've mentioned before what ridiculous it is when certain things are considered "news" on imdb. Well, these two take the cake:
Penn Fooled By Spider-man Star's Fake Penis
Movie star Sean Penn felt sure his onscreen gay lover in new biopic Milk was a big boy - because James Franco wore a prosthetic penis for naked scenes.
Actor Kiefer Sutherland went without soap during his jail stint last Christmas - after dropping the bar in the communal showers.
Sutherland has now broken his silence about his time behind bars, joking, "I dropped the soap!"
He continues: "I actually dropped the soap. I remember looking down at it and then I looked around and thought: 'Soap is over-rated... I'm done with this shower!'"
This is just sacrilegious. Jack Bauer does not and will not ever drop the soap. Not now. Not ever. You know why? Because he's too busy beating down terrorists who are living next door to me and are trying to kill me, my family, and our entire way of life.
But lets be hypothetical here for a moment. If Jack Bauer was in prison, it would be because he went undercover. If he went into a shower and really dropped the soap, it would be on purpose. When the imprisoned terrorist that Jack had be assigned to shadow, came to butt fuck him, Jack would quickly turn around, grab the terrorists's dick, throw up a knife that he had swallowed earlier, and then with the fat terrorist dick in his right hand and the knife in his left, threaten to chop off that fucking terrorist's dick unless the terrorist told him where the detonater was. That is what would happen if Jack Bauer was in a prison shower.
They once named a street in Los Angeles after Jack Bauer but they had to close it down because people kept dying. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
ETHAN'S TV UPDATE: WATCH THE SHOW "MAD MEN." I am just finishing the first season and it is unbelievable. The writing is brilliant, the plots are fascinating, the acting is superb (Jon Hamm is getting an Emmy for best actor) and the sex is well...sexy. Plus, the show, which takes place in 1960, is factually accurate and therefore even more interesting. Also, because it is the 60s, in every scene, at least two characters are drinking and/or smoking, occassionaly in front of children. What's more to like? Oh, and it has, besides "The Office," the best theme music and the coolest titles sequence on television
If you like the show "Weeds" or you are into graphic television sex, watch last week's episode (Ep. 8) if only for two of the most graphic sex scenes I've ever seen on television. I dont know how old Mary Louise Parker is, but she is scorchingly hot...and naked. And the Milf that Silas (the least interesting character on the show) is doing is....well lets just say if she was the president of the PTA, I would come to every single meeting on time. Or if she were baking a cake, I would want to be the spoon that she sticks into her vagina.
Lastly, I'm taking a poll. Are Joan Allen and Diane Lane the same actress? Or is Joan Allen closer to Laura Linney? All 3 of these actresses have played secret government employees (Joan Allen- BourneIdenitiy, Diane Lane- Untraceable, Laura Linney- Breach) They all could play moms over 40 who are sexually frustrated. (Joan Allen-Pleasantville, The Upside of Anger, Diane Lane-Unfaithful, Laura Linney- The Squid and the Whale). But Diane Lane does more romances (Must Love Dogs, Under the Tuscan Sun) while Joan Allen does more random stuff (Death Race and The Notebook?) and Laura Linney does serious character pieces (The Savages, John Adams). Yet, when I think of these actresses, I put them in the same category. Maybe Diane Lane, because she is the hottest, does more commercial fare, while Laura Linney takes all the real good work (minus of course, "Man of the Year") and Joan Allen is the most manly and takes what she can get.
What do you think? Any other actresses who fit in this category?
orolla has a theory that I think has some truth. Women like to date men who have dated hot women because it affirms that they themselves are hot. Why else would anyone date David Spade? He's not that funny, he is about 5 foot nothing, and is about as interesting looking as a table. The story behind Adam's theory is that one time when Corrolla was on the Howard Stern show, he met a hot blond model. Apparently Spade was supposed to appear on the show as well. Adam went up to the model and said, "Hey, do you want me to introduce you to David Spade?" To which the model replied, "Oooh. He dates really hot blonds right? Sure!" She didn't say, "Oh he's cute." Or "Oh, he's funny!" She was clearly interested because she knew that dating him would affirm her own "hotness." Absurd.
d dating before she was famous, but still! He's a 2, she's a 10. You might say, well she plays the accordion, so she cant be a 10. FALSE. Because she plays the accordion she He's a stringbean and she's a whole lotta woman. Can he possibly please her sexually?
and they're spectacular!
m and January Jones kiss each other on Mad Men who do you think feels luckier? Is Jon Hamm thinking, "Wow! I cant believe I'm getting paid to kiss this beautiful woman!" Or is January Jones thinking (in a Borat voice), "Wa Wa Wee Wa! I cannot believe I'm kissing this man who's brawn and masculinity is only exceeded by his handsomeness!" Personally, I think she feels luckier.
