Day 33- My name is Sarah Palin and I want to give a shout out to all my girls from WASILLA! You guys rock! GO TRL! CARSON I LOVE YOU!

I was watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on TV the other day and it occurred to me: there are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who read the books and see the movies thinking, "I wanna be Harry Potter! He's so brave!" "I want to be Ron Weasley, or George or Fred! (well maybe not Fred...)" "I want to be Hermione! She's smart and beautiful and she kicks ass!"

These children are stupid! Why would you want to be Harry Potter! Why would you want to have the baggage of the entire wizarding universe on your shoulders? Why would you want to constantly be afraid that everyone you know is going to die? Why would you want a direct connection to the dark lord? And for that matter, why would you want to be Ron or Hermione, or anyone remotely connected to Harry Potter?! Why would you want to constantly be afraid that because you're friends with the boy who lived, the most powerfully evil wizard to ever walk the Earth us going to KILL YOU? Why would you want all of that resting on your shoulders as a 15 year old? It doesnt make sense.

You know who I want to be? A wizard kid. Thats it. Like Dean Thomas who does color commentary (no pun intended) for the Quidditch games. Or one of those kids on the left. I want to be just a normal kid who happens to be a wizard, and goes to Hogwarts and does cool magic. I want my biggest worry to be about my O.W.L.S, not "HOW DO I SAVE THE ENTIRE WIZARDING COMMUNITY and DEFEAT THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD OF ALL TIME with ONLY 6 YEARS OF PRACTICE?!" I want to be one of the wizard kids in the background, hanging out in the school yard while Harry and Hermione discuss how to break into the Ministry of Magic. I want to cry about Cedric Diggory, and then MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. You know what I would do? I would stay the FUCK AWAY from Harry Potter! That's what I would do.

You might be saying: Yeah, but Harry and Ron and Hermione are the closest friends ever! Dont you want that kind of friendship?

Eh. I'm sure there are cool guys to hang out with at Hogwarts who dont carry around more baggage than Paris Hilton's butler (the joke is that she has a lot of clothes which she has to carry in many suitcases). And the truth is, if I didnt have many friends in the wizarding world, I'm sure there are some Muggles who would want to get to know the kid who can conjure up charm spells that can make them look old enough to buy alcohol. And when its all said and done, JK implies that Harry works in the Ministry of Magic. If I really wanted to I could get a job there too! Only when I worked there, I wouldnt be haunted by memories of my parents, godfather, friends and teachers getting murdered. In conclusion, why be Harry when you can be Duncan Inglebee – Ravenclaw's Quidditch Beater whose most significant school memory was getting a hummer from Lisa Turpin in the Room of Requirement right after the Yule Ball in my 4th year. Oh yea, and I'd have my parents.


IN OTHER NEWS:

1- Remember a while ago I wrote about Tim Matheson and Rob Lowe being the same person? Well this week on Entourage, Tim Matheson played a Hollywood Studio Exec. You know who played an agent--a similarly powerful Hollywood player? ROB LOWE in Thank You for Smoking! Give Rob 15 years and he too can be on Entourage playing an Exec.

Thats another funny thought---Entourage in 15 years! What's Turtle like in 15 years? How fat can that motherfucker get? He's probably still smoking weed. And Drama? What's that dude doing in his 50s? I have no idea. Not acting, thats for sure. Vince--it depends how gracefully he ages. He probably can still act--hopefully be more of a Richard Gere. TruthfullyI doubt it though. He's probably gone back to Mexico. Ari's probably an executive at this point, the stress being too much for an agent. The only one in the "crew" who's actually going to be still going strong--E.

2- I was in the bathroom today watching an episode of The Sarah Silverman Program on my iPod and guess who I saw? JON "DON DRAPER" HAMM! He was on for 6 seconds playing a CABLE GUY installing cable for Sarah! He asks her for a kiss and she rejects it! Idiot!

I also just read an article about him that said that he grew up in ST LOUIS (right around Wash U woo woo!) and in college, besides acting all he was thinking about was getting hammered and laid. Wow Jon. You're awesome. It also said he used to work on soft core porn sets doing set dressing.
Wow Jon. Not so awesome.

Until Tomorrow---

DAY 3: Requiem

Today I am going to discuss something that may seem like not that big of a deal, and the truth is, it really isn't, however it just ticks me off. The tagline to the new film "Get Smart" starring Steve Carrell is "Saving the world...and loving it."

Now I am no Hollywood guru (although I claim to be) but it seems to me like this tagline is the blandest, most uncreative, non-descriptive tagline for a movie since "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: "Cowabunga, it's the new turtle movie!" This tagline could be attached to any spy/superhero movie and brings absolutely nothing to mind about the character, story or genre of the film. It could have been the tagline to Austin Powers or even Superman for godsakes. Doesnt Superman save the world...and love to do so? I would assume he likes doing it...he doesn't really have to save the world. He could be out getting laid or just chilling in his fortress of solitude. BY THE WAY---That would make a funny episode of Cribs--Yo what up MTV! Here's my favorite memory crystal--I use it to access interactive holographic recordings of my pops, the dead Kryptonian scientist Jor-El! Here is my Scarface bedspread...

Taglines are supposed to be witty one liners that tell you a little about the movie and kind of get you excited for it. For example, for the movie "Alien" the tagline was "In Space, no one can hear you scream." And for the movie, "This is Spinal Tap", the tagline was “Does for rock and roll what “The Sound of Music” did for hills.” What does "Saving the World...and loving it" tell us, the movie going public? Nothing, other than its a spy movie. Anyway, the point is---Hollywood, come up with better movie taglines. Readers, feel free to post your own favorite taglines in the comments!

TODAY I will make a slight variation on the ACTORS WHO ARE THE SAME as one actor is slightly older than the other, but the resemblance and character types remain uncanny nonetheless.

TIM MATHESON AND ROB LOWE

Tim Matheson has always played really hot, manipulative, charismatic guys, starting with his role as Otter in "Animal House." Rob Lowe has also always played really hot, manipulative charismatic guys, starting with his role as Sodapop in "The Outsiders." Rob Lowe played Chris Farley's brother in "Tommy Boy." Tim Matheson played Chris Farley's brother in "Black Sheep." Both of them have made really shitty movies and starred in really shitty TV shows until 1999, when they BOTH (a rarity for ACTORS WHO ARE THE SAME) took starring roles on "The West Wing." Granted, Rob Lowe had a bigger part, but if Tim Matheson was a little younger, he would have played Sam Seaborn (and vice versa with Rob Lowe being a shoe in to play Vice President Hoynes.) Now they both are making shitty straight to DVD movies. Rob Lowe stars in "Stir of Echoes 2: The Homecoming" (did anyone see/hear of Stir of Echoes 1?) and Tim Matheson stars in Behind Enemy Lines 3: Ghost Watch (did anyone see/hear of Behind Enemy Lines 2?)

It seems as if it werent for the fact that Tim Matheson was born 17 years before Rob Lowe, these two actors might as well have been separated at birth. The good news for Rob Lowe is that if Tim Matheson's career is any indicator, he'll still have work to do, at least for another 17 years.