Day 29- I read Christopher Columbus' journal yesterday and he writes about having to clean the POOP DECK! He discovered America AND hes funny!

The plot of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (as it is written on imdb) is this:

The legendary Power Rangers must stop the evil space pirate Divatox from releasing the powerful Maligore from his volcanic imprisonment on the island of Muranthias, where only the kindly wizard Lerigot has the key to release him. The hope of victory lies in the Ranger's incredible new Turbo powers and powerful Turbo Zords.

So that's funny by itself. But the other half of the plot is that there is this kid who discovers the Power Rangers secret identities and so, they have no choice but to let him become a Power Ranger. When I first heard about this premise as a child I was thrilled and envious. Why couldnt I too become a Power Ranger? This lead to more questions:

When we played power rangers, why did I have to always play Billy? Is it because I wore glasses? Yes. Why couldnt we change our message machine at home from a "beep" to Tommy's Dragonzord call (Dooo...do do do....do do doooo!)? And most importantly, why couldnt my dad be Mr. Saban, the man in charge of bringing the Power Rangers to America. My friend knew the son of Mr. Saban (the kid's name is Ness) and said he had every single Power Ranger toy that existed. Shangri-La.

But back to the original point: now, after talking about it with my good math loving, freckly friend Jeff Hoffman, I realize that the Power Rangers were stupid in making a kid a Power Ranger? This kid was 12! He had no martial arts experience, no real intelligence! He hadn't been "chosen" by Zordon. Little fucker essentially black-mailed the Rangers. Which leads me to this thought: Shouldnt the Rangers have just simply taken care of it. Who would suspect that the peace loving, crime fighting, teenage heroes would off a young kid who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? No one. They should have invited him to a "Rangers only" party, and then, while they were showing him the hand sequences for how to call their zords, they could have gotten the white tiger zord to rip this kid's fucking head off! Little fucker should have kept his mouth shut and the Rangers shouldnt have bought into his demands. Anyway, if I were a Ranger thats what I would have done. I guess that's why I'm not a ranger.

Continuing with the "kids" theme I feel like someone needs to say this: Poor Spencer Breslin.
Kid had a promising young career appearing opposite Bruce Willis in "The Kid," taking the Disney channel by storm, appearing in such memorable original movies as "The Ultimate Christmas Present," and "You Wish." He was in "The Santa Clause 2," "Raising Helen" and more Disney stuff. People kinda knew who he was, but he was getting more famous, and for a fat kid with buck teeth, he was sure raking in the benjamins. He pretty much had it made. Then that cunt of a sister of his comes along and RUINS EVERYTHING.

Fucking Abigail Breslin. She has like 4 lines in one movie, "Signs," does a little more TV and suddenly gets an Oscar nomination for "Little Miss Sunshine" at like 10 years old! Now she's taking all the movies Dakota Fanning doesnt want to do because she isnt getting raped in them (As far as I can tell, no one got raped in "Nim's Island"), and even headlining them. In "Kit Kitteridge: An American Girl" all around LA were posters of her face with some dog and sometimes, binoculars. She is also getting paid like $2 million a picture.

I wonder who the favorite child in that family is now? If I were Spencer I would be royally POed (which stands for pissed off). I work so hard for like 6 fucking years, toiling in Disney shit, not being able to lose weight because I have to be "the sympathetically chubby kid" in everything. Finally my career may take off because I am getting older and what happens? My bitch ass cum dumpster of a sister does one indie film where she does a silly dance and gets invited to the fucking Oscars! It's just not right. Now I am at that awkward stage in puberty where I cant get work because I am not a teenager, but I'm not a kid and Abitchgail is raking in the dough starring in movies alongside Catherine Zeta Jones and Ryan Reynolds. My next movie is called "Harold" and I play a bald kid. I've already done like 6 fucking movies with Tim Allen! Is there no justice in this world? I guess not Spencer, I guess not. For Spence's sake, all we can do is hope that Ms. Breslin gets knocked up sometime soon and suddenly doesnt seem so cute anymore. I'm looking at you Wild Willis.


Until Tomorrow--

Day 22- My dad once told me that if I was going to be a superhero, I'd be "Media Lad."

Poor Melissa Joan Hart. If "Clarissa Explains it All" had come out 15 years later she would be the biggest thing on the planet! The way celebrities, especially child celebrities, get exposure nowadays, the "system" would have given her a record contract in the show's 2nd season, they would have released Clarissa fashion line, Clarissa jewelry, Clarissa bed sheets, backpacks, lunch boxes, contraceptive devices etc. Especially since Clarissa's character had a very unique style of dress; the grungy-tomboy-funk-denim-neon look. They probably would have even had Clarissa voice boxes where you could press a button and hear the "Sam slamming his ladder against Clarissa's window guitar twang." The only Clarissa merchandise I can think of was the Clarissa Explains it All Board Game, but in those days (unlike now) everything had a board game. I think I played a Full House board game, an Are You Afraid of the Dark board game (with pictures of Elisha Cuthbert that I would have abused back then had I known the awesome secrets of my own male anatomy) and even an Secret World of Alex Mack board game. SNICK ruled.

Side note--How come we dont play board games anymore and everything has to be a DVD board game? And dont say, "video games" because we had those back then too and we still had time to throw down the "Jesse and the Rippers Card" and go ahead three spaces. Some of my favorite memories as a child was playing "Life." When you played that game, the best career was clearly the policeman because whenever someone spun a 10 you got like 5 grand. I cant remember a time when I didnt at least try and cheat to get that career.

BACK TO BUSINESS- Clarissa was the original Lizzie McGuire. With her fantasy sequences, wacky family, good male friend, annoying younger brother, and unique perspective on Middle School/High School, she really set the precedent for all future tweenager shows. Think about it. She even had the token ethnic girl friend. That show was quality. Pure quality.

Anyway lets talk about movies I like that I dont think anyone else does.

1. The Power Rangers Movie. I could watch that movie over and over again, and not just to be nostalgic, but to actually watch the sky-diving to Red Hot Chilli Peppers music, the combat scenes of the rangers fighting the ooze guys in the construction site to a song with the lyrics, "action boy now, action girl now," and to feel the palpable sexual tension between Tommy and Kimberly. I also love watching the rangers get new zords and the power of the ninjetti, and seeing Zordon get brought back to life from Kimberley's tears. In terms of adapting a television show to a movie--what more could you want? New villain, new zords, a much bigger budget, higher stakes! The whole movie makes me very very happy.

2. Josie and the Pussycats- No one likes this movie and I think its great. It's very funny AND it has something to say about MTV/Consumer culture/Corporations control everything. I like the look of the movie too, with ads placed in the movie as an ironic jab at the whole movie's anti-advertising message. The music is great, Parker Posey's dialogue and awkwardness were perfect and the whole opening scene with the band, "Du Jour" starring Seth Green, Donald Faison, Brecking Meyer etc is gut-busting. The whole, "stop doing my face" "du jour means teamwork, du jour means seatbelts" exchange is inspired. I give it two thumbs up.

3. Mystery Men. Now maybe people like this movie, but I dont think many people saw it. I think the Blue Raja is very funny, as is Dane Cook's Waffler, as is Kel Mitchell's invisible man, as is the banter between Ben Stiller and Jeneane Garofolo, as is Geoffrey Rush's pinkie finger nail attack, as is Eddie Izzard's disco assassin. The whole movie in my mind is very funny and unique and clever and cool. Mr. Furious is a hero and yes, getting super angry is a power.

4. Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny. I love Tenacious D. From the first time I heard the song "Fuck Her Gently" when I was in 8th grade and Jack Black wasnt that famous, I was in awe. I liked them so much that my dad even started looking them up and one day asked me what a "Cleveland Steamer" was. No one I know (except for Mike Lefemine) saw this movie in theaters. I dont get it. People love Jack Black and most people love Tenacious D. I guess his fan base though isnt one to get off their couches and see the movie. I do admit the movie isnt perfect, and does have some slow moments, but the music is great, especially the grand finale song versus Satan, and for the most part the situations they get it are very very funny. Tim Robbins' and Amy Poehler's cameos are also very clutch. I enjoy this movie with or without herbal supplements and that is saying a lot.

In terms of Hollywood send up movies that I dont think did very well at the box office:


1. Bowfinger- Steve Martin is a genius. For those who dont know, this picture is about a delusional, unsuccessful director trying to make a movie called "Chubby Rain" starring international action star, KIT Ramsey (played by Eddie Murphy who is actually very funny in this). The only problem is he cant get KIT to be in it, so they try and film the movie with him, but without him knowing that he is in it. This film has a great cast filled with the likes of Christine Baranski, Heather Graham (really fucking hot in this movie), Robert Downey Jr, Terrence Stamp as the leader of a Scientology skewing cult called, "Mindhead," and more make this picture a must see for anyone who likes laughing at Hollywood and for anyone who likes Steve Martin's silly, ridiculous, yet intellectual sense of humor.*

2. Big Fat Liar- Not as good as Bowfinger but Paul Giamatti delivers a hilarious performance as a studio exec who steals Frankie Muniz's story and makes it into a movie. Amanda Bynes is great in this too, and so is...one of my favs...Donald Faison. I liked this when it came out and I like it now.

I have more, but I am going to save them for later.

Until Tomorrow--

*Ed Note: When writing this paragraph originally I was going to include that it was directed by Frank Oz, the voice of Yoda, Fozzie Bear etc (as Stephi Blank brilliantly pointed out in her comments) however I thought that that the fact that the director is a voice over god would detract from my point that this is a great movie. But after further thought--Frank Oz is an awesome director and the fact that he is the voice of Grover makes him cooler. The movies he has directed (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, What About Bob, In and Out etc) have mostly been excellent. So yea. Go Frank Oz!