Day 45- Thank God Jeff Golblum is Still Alive

Last week I read somewhere about translated movie titles of American movies in foreign markets and I thought I'd share some of them here cause they are so funny:

In Israel:
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs translates to It's Raining Falafel!
Knocked Up translates to The Guy Who Screwed Me
She's the Man translates to She's Got Balls

In France:
The Hangover translates to Very Bad Night
Cruel Intentions translates to Sex Intentions
The Matrix translates to The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses

In Germany:
Airplane! translates to The Unbelievable Trip In A Wacky Aeroplane
Annie Hall translates to Urban Neurotic

In Italy:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind translates to If You Leave Me I Delete You

In the Czech Republic:
Hot Shots translates to Warm Shots

In Argentina:
Grease translates to Vaseline!

That's enough of that. If you guys know more, post them in the comments.

The next thing on the list is a discussion of sexy women who marry weird looking dudes. We see it on sitcoms all the time. How did SHE end up with Jim Belushi?! How did SHE end up with Mike O'Malley? How did SHE end up with Peter Griffin? We all know about Janet Jackson dating Jermaine Dupri and how gross that was. But lets look at 2 more recent examples of this:

Recently, two of Mad Men's female stars, Elisabeth Moss and Christina Hendricks, got married. Both to weird, nebbishly looking dudes. Elisabeth Moss in my opinion is not that attractive, but I guess she's cute, and she's considered one of the more talented young actresses in Hollywood. She was even nominated for an Emmy last year. She could have used her clout to snag one of Hollywood's hot youngin's but she decided to go for the more unconventional route. She's currently married to SNL castmember Fred Armisen. Don't get me wrong, I love Fred Armisen, but he's a tiny, weird lookin dude.

Christina Hendrick's example is far more unsettling. This woman, who plays Joan on Mad Men*, is perhaps the sexiest woman alive right now. And she decided to marry this guy:

Geoffrey Arend. He's the guy in Super Troopers who says, "These Snozzberries Taste Like Snozzberries!" I dont think he deserves to stand in the same room as Ms. Hendricks! If she is a 10, then he is a 2. And it's not like he's Lyle Lovett or Dwight Yoakam who are ugly, but famous and legendarily charming. He's not even David Spade who has a history of banging hot blonds (Heather Locklear, Nicolette Sheridan, Playmate Jillian Grace etc.)

ASIDE: Adam Corolla has a theory that I think has some truth. Women like to date men who have dated hot women because it affirms that they themselves are hot. Why else would anyone date David Spade? He's not that funny, he is about 5 foot nothing, and is about as interesting looking as a table. The story behind Adam's theory is that one time when Corrolla was on the Howard Stern show, he met a hot blond model. Apparently Spade was supposed to appear on the show as well. Adam went up to the model and said, "Hey, do you want me to introduce you to David Spade?" To which the model replied, "Oooh. He dates really hot blonds right? Sure!" She didn't say, "Oh he's cute." Or "Oh, he's funny!" She was clearly interested because she knew that dating him would affirm her own "hotness." Absurd.

BACK TO JOAN. She could have gotten any guy she wanted, and she chose snozzberries? Maybe they started dating before she was famous, but still! He's a 2, she's a 10. You might say, well she plays the accordion, so she cant be a 10. FALSE. Because she plays the accordion she He's a stringbean and she's a whole lotta woman. Can he possibly please her sexually?

Side note: People have speculated if Ms. Hendrick's curves and chest are padded for the show. But as evidenced by this picture...they're real and they're spectacular!

I guess the world is just a crazy, illogical place sometimes, where beauty and the beast can get it on, and where Mystery can wear a huge hat with feathers and goggles and suddenly be The Sexiest Man Alive. Where the talented and graceful Brittany Murphy perishes way too early, but Paris Hilton is still walking around giving people STDs. Where Jennifer Hudson can win an Oscar before Kate Winslet. Where a movie about 9 foot tall, tailed, blue creatures makes $250 million worldwide opening weekend!

BTW: AVATAR=Alice and Wonderland + The Matrix + Pocahontas + The Last of the Mohicans + Dances with Wolves + Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest + Wall-E+Platoon

Where Paul Blart: Mall Cop can merit a sequel. Where Transformers can make $700 million but The Hurt Locker only makes $13.6 million. Where Arrested Development lasts 2 1/2 seasons but "Still Standing" and "Yes, Dear" are syndicated. Where a petition to free Roman Polanski is signed by many, even though he drugged, raped and then sodomized a 13 year old girl. Where Sandra Bullock can get nominated for any sort of award for her performance in The Proposal. AND where a character on 30 Rock needs a kidney transplant, and only 5 months later, an actual cast member (Grizz) needs a kidney. Such cruel irony, world. Such cruel irony.

LASTLY: I just went to a comedy show at the Largo last night. Here are my calls:

Paul F. Tompkins: A
Jon Cryer: B-
Woman comedian talking about the Golden Girls: B
Nick Kroll (pictured): A++. THIS GUY is my new favorite comedian. Not only are his characters (Bobby Bottleservice in particular) hysterical, but his stand-up left me bowled over with laughter.
Tig Notaro: B+
Greg Proops: C

Until Tomorrow---


*When Jon Hamm and January Jones kiss each other on Mad Men who do you think feels luckier? Is Jon Hamm thinking, "Wow! I cant believe I'm getting paid to kiss this beautiful woman!" Or is January Jones thinking (in a Borat voice), "Wa Wa Wee Wa! I cannot believe I'm kissing this man who's brawn and masculinity is only exceeded by his handsomeness!" Personally, I think she feels luckier.
** I just read that former Los Angeles Laker Rick Fox is dating Dollhouse's Eliza Dushku. WOT.

Day 33- My name is Sarah Palin and I want to give a shout out to all my girls from WASILLA! You guys rock! GO TRL! CARSON I LOVE YOU!

I was watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on TV the other day and it occurred to me: there are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who read the books and see the movies thinking, "I wanna be Harry Potter! He's so brave!" "I want to be Ron Weasley, or George or Fred! (well maybe not Fred...)" "I want to be Hermione! She's smart and beautiful and she kicks ass!"

These children are stupid! Why would you want to be Harry Potter! Why would you want to have the baggage of the entire wizarding universe on your shoulders? Why would you want to constantly be afraid that everyone you know is going to die? Why would you want a direct connection to the dark lord? And for that matter, why would you want to be Ron or Hermione, or anyone remotely connected to Harry Potter?! Why would you want to constantly be afraid that because you're friends with the boy who lived, the most powerfully evil wizard to ever walk the Earth us going to KILL YOU? Why would you want all of that resting on your shoulders as a 15 year old? It doesnt make sense.

You know who I want to be? A wizard kid. Thats it. Like Dean Thomas who does color commentary (no pun intended) for the Quidditch games. Or one of those kids on the left. I want to be just a normal kid who happens to be a wizard, and goes to Hogwarts and does cool magic. I want my biggest worry to be about my O.W.L.S, not "HOW DO I SAVE THE ENTIRE WIZARDING COMMUNITY and DEFEAT THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD OF ALL TIME with ONLY 6 YEARS OF PRACTICE?!" I want to be one of the wizard kids in the background, hanging out in the school yard while Harry and Hermione discuss how to break into the Ministry of Magic. I want to cry about Cedric Diggory, and then MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. You know what I would do? I would stay the FUCK AWAY from Harry Potter! That's what I would do.

You might be saying: Yeah, but Harry and Ron and Hermione are the closest friends ever! Dont you want that kind of friendship?

Eh. I'm sure there are cool guys to hang out with at Hogwarts who dont carry around more baggage than Paris Hilton's butler (the joke is that she has a lot of clothes which she has to carry in many suitcases). And the truth is, if I didnt have many friends in the wizarding world, I'm sure there are some Muggles who would want to get to know the kid who can conjure up charm spells that can make them look old enough to buy alcohol. And when its all said and done, JK implies that Harry works in the Ministry of Magic. If I really wanted to I could get a job there too! Only when I worked there, I wouldnt be haunted by memories of my parents, godfather, friends and teachers getting murdered. In conclusion, why be Harry when you can be Duncan Inglebee – Ravenclaw's Quidditch Beater whose most significant school memory was getting a hummer from Lisa Turpin in the Room of Requirement right after the Yule Ball in my 4th year. Oh yea, and I'd have my parents.


IN OTHER NEWS:

1- Remember a while ago I wrote about Tim Matheson and Rob Lowe being the same person? Well this week on Entourage, Tim Matheson played a Hollywood Studio Exec. You know who played an agent--a similarly powerful Hollywood player? ROB LOWE in Thank You for Smoking! Give Rob 15 years and he too can be on Entourage playing an Exec.

Thats another funny thought---Entourage in 15 years! What's Turtle like in 15 years? How fat can that motherfucker get? He's probably still smoking weed. And Drama? What's that dude doing in his 50s? I have no idea. Not acting, thats for sure. Vince--it depends how gracefully he ages. He probably can still act--hopefully be more of a Richard Gere. TruthfullyI doubt it though. He's probably gone back to Mexico. Ari's probably an executive at this point, the stress being too much for an agent. The only one in the "crew" who's actually going to be still going strong--E.

2- I was in the bathroom today watching an episode of The Sarah Silverman Program on my iPod and guess who I saw? JON "DON DRAPER" HAMM! He was on for 6 seconds playing a CABLE GUY installing cable for Sarah! He asks her for a kiss and she rejects it! Idiot!

I also just read an article about him that said that he grew up in ST LOUIS (right around Wash U woo woo!) and in college, besides acting all he was thinking about was getting hammered and laid. Wow Jon. You're awesome. It also said he used to work on soft core porn sets doing set dressing.
Wow Jon. Not so awesome.

Until Tomorrow---