Day 39- The Triumphant Return: PART I

Ladies and gents, I'M BACK! Obviously I've been away for quite some time doing god knows what, god knows where, but I've truly missed all of the great times I've had with this little machine, and the "kehillah" or "community" forming in the comments sections. I miss the report (pronounced like "Colbert Report"), the laughter, the tet-a-tet. So without further ado here is some more nonsense:

Something has been troubling me lately. For the past half decade, some of my favorite comedians growing up have been making increasingly unfunny comedies. These comedies have stupid stories, unfunny dialogue, mailed in performances, and ultimately insult the intelligence of the viewer.

Can you think of something more depressing and disappointing then seeing a comedy and NOT LAUGHING EVEN ONCE? I cant. And I once read about the Cambodian Genocide.

I cant wrap my head around it. Jim Carrey is a funny guy. He's proved it time and time again. The fact that Adam Sandler has been around so long attests the fact that he has a personality and sense of humor that resonates with people. Vince Vaughn KILLED me in in Old School and Wedding Crashers. Will Ferrell and Mike Myers are two guys I WORSHIPED in middle school and high school and by universal standards are two of the funniest guys on the planet. So why have all these people made such unfunny movies recently?

Lets go into a little more detail: (and I apologize in advance if all of these parentheses make your computer crash)

JIM CARREY:
Golden Years: 1994- 1998

Jim Carrey obviously had it made. He was the first guy EVER to get a $20 million payday (for....The Cable Guy), and unanimously (or at least says my April 1997 Disney Adventures Magazine) was the funniest guy in the world. He wanted to stretch as an actor. Good. You cant be gooey your whole life (although maybe Evan Kuhn can be an exception).




TRANSITION

1998: Jim does The Truman Show. FANTASTIC. Great movie, interesting plot, well acted, showed range. I think of the Truman Show every time I cross a street and hold out my hand to let the driver know I'm crossing the street. THE UNIVERSE REVOLVES AROUND ME! The score for that movie is also pretty wonderful.

(Me as America talking): Anyway, good for you Jim. Now lets get a comedy!

1998: Nope, Jim decides to have a small part in "Simon Birch" (a small, moving family friendly film about a boy with stunted growth but big dreams and a big HEART!) Please hold your laughter at the picture. Please....tryy..to contain....laughter...BAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


I apoligize.

Ps. guess what else the director of this movie has directed. You'll never guess. Give up? DAREDEVIL, ELEKTRA, AND GHOST RIDER! WTF! Who is this guy? How did this guy get big budget Daredevil if all he had directed before was Simon Birch? NONSENSE. Anyway---

1999- Jim does "Man on the Moon." A drama ABOUT a comedian (Andy Kaufman). Great move Jim. Absolutely fantastic movie! Jim's performance was remarkable, touching and accurate and shockingly did not get nominated for an Oscar. (Undoubtedly it was a strong year for best actors: Denzel in "The Hurricane," Kevin Spacey in "American Beauty," Russell Crowe in "The Insider." But STILL, I'm sure Jim's performance was better than old fart, Richard Farnsworth who was nominated that year for "The Straight Story."

SIDENOTE: This movie also holds a close place in my heart because in 7th grade for our "Wax Museum" I dressed up as Andy, acted out a whole monologue and even wrote a "diary of his life" based on a biography written by Andy's best friend and writing partner. Andy Kaufman was a brilliant, tragic man. Google him if you dont know who he is.

OK JIM! WE LIKE YOUR DRAMATIC SIDE! JUST GIVE US A COMEDY!

Fine. He does Me, Myself and Irene in 2000 which is arguably the LAST FUNNY MOVIE JIM CARREY HAS EVER MADE. Think about that--Jim Carrey, the "Funniest guy in the world" hasnt made a FUNNY comedy in almost 10 years!

SIDENOTE: I hate Renee Zellwegger in everything except for Jerry Maguire (which is a phenomenal movie, and one deserving of an entire post). One more thing: I dont think there is anything remotely attractive about Renee Zellweger. And finally: Renee Zellwegger's face always looks like she is reacting to someone teasing her, and her saying with a fake smile that raises the cheekbones, "ha ha. very funny." (INTERACTIVE PART: Try making this face while looking at a picture of Renee Zellwegger. Its uncanny!)

He did "How the Grince Stole Christmas," which was an intersting performance, but not funny and not a great movie. He did the god-awful, "The Majestic," he made the comedy "Bruce Almighty" but the funniest part of that movie was obviously STEVE CARRELL (AHHH! CaCa Poo Poo Doo Doo!) Here are some gags from the movie: Jim Carrey as God makes his gf's boobs bigger. He splits traffic. Walks on water. Makes his dog pee in the toilet. Lifts up ladies' skirts on the street. REALLY? A man can do ANYTHING IN THE WORLD HE WANTS and the funniest gag they can think of is that he makes his dog pee in the toilet?! Come on! Practically every situation in Liar Liar was funnier than that whole movie.

Next--Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Wonderful, amazing, brilliant, touching, visually stimulating, clever, creative, truthful, thought provoking, genuine. But not a comedy, so we MOVE ON:

2004: Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events. Eh.

2005: Fun with Dick and Jane. The first time I saw this movie was on a date (YES WITH A GIRL!) in high school, so I never actually WATCHED the movie (wink wink, nudge nudge, blammy blip blop! A WOOOO GAAA!) but I saw it again on an airplane, and laughed maybe twice. And it was at Alec Baldwin. How can anyone think that watching Jim Carrey sing "I Believe I Can Fly" in an elevator is super funny. Its cute. Not clever. Not funny. And Judd Apatow helped write this movie...tsk tsk.

2008: The Number 23: Not even worth discussing

2008: Horton Hears a Who: Cute movie, but its animated so I wont really discuss it. I will say that I think Jim was not very funny in it. I think he was a bit miscast. I prefer the Andrew Klein interpretation. Actually, I think the problem was they made Horton a goofy character, and in the book, he really isnt. He's a sincere and simple. Not manic and crazy. You know who would have been great in the real version of Horton? Greg Kinnear. Why? Because Greg Kinnear can do anything.

2008: Yes Man. Jim's RETURN to comedy again. Guess what. I saw this movie and laughed during ONE SCENE. And it was watching Murray from Flight of the Conchords making funny faces. Thats it. So either Murray is REALLLY FUNNNY or the movie is REEEEALLLY NOT FUNNY. I think its both.

HOLY COW. I realize now that I've written too much. So I will make you a deal readers. I will make one concluding point here now, and then leave more in Part 2 of this post.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS: Is Jim Carrey still funny? Did he lose his funniness? His sense of humor? Does he know what is funny anymore? OR is he trying to play characters that he THINKS people want to see him play? Is he right to do this?
Bruce Almighty seemed like the perfect movie for him. Were the jokes so stupid because he and the writers thought that these types of jokes would appeal to the masses? Or did they actually think they were making a great, hilarious comedy? I am not sure. I would admit it may be a bit of both. I saw Jim Carrey on Oprah plugging "Horton Hears a Who"(Today. In Israel. When this episode must have aired months ago when it came out in theaters or on DVD) and he was wacky and zany and wiggled around the stage, and made jokes, but he wasnt that funny. Steve Carrell came on and made me laugh three times as much in his first 3 minutes. So maybe Jim Carrey has just gotten stale or is not as funny as he used to be. Or maybe he is just being the Jim that he thinks we all want him to be? Maybe he just assumes we'll laugh at him doing anything. I dont really know. Maybe he just needs better material.

UNTI---

WAIT! ONE MORE THING THAT IS HILARIOUS. SO--Dakota Fanning's career took a nose dive and she became a media punchline when she took a part in the indie, "Hounddog." A movie where in it, she gets raped. She apparently wanted to be taken more seriously as an actor. Getting paid $10 million to act with DeNiro, Denzel, and Sean Penn were not enough. To show people how serious this 11 year old was about acting, she thought she had to get RAPED. But NO ONE agreed. The movie was heavily panned. She was criticized for taking such a ridiculous role, and her child-friendly image was tarnished. Guess who took her place in all of those cutesy kids-teach-adults-a-thing-or-two-about love and/or responsibility and/or friendship and/or conquering ones fears-movies---ABIGAIL BRESLIN. She fulfilled this part well, and was raking it in. Surely she wouldnt grow up as quickly as Dakota and Lindsay Lohan.....

FALSE. Abigal Breslin (aka cute girl in little miss sunshine) just took a part in an indie called, "Rape: A Love Story." WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GIRL THINKING! Dakota gets chastised for being in a movie where she gets raped, but Abigail Breslin thinks its wise to be in a movie with the word RAPE in the TITLE! Oh, dont worry. Abigail isnt the one getting raped. She merely WATCHES her MOTHER get GANG-BANGED! WTF! Hasnt she learned anything from Dakota? Abigail Breslin was ALREADY nominated for an Oscar. What is she trying to prove? Does she think the movie is going to play well? Is she trying to shove it to Dakota and say, "I can be in a movie with RAPE in the title, and it will make 3 times as much as that movie you were raped in!" Does she really think people/critics/people who help her income want to see a movie with the word "rape" in the title?!" Can 11 year old Abigail Breslin spell, "rape?" Does she even know that boys have penises and girls have vaginas? Hollywood is certainly filled with NONSENSE.

Until Tomorrow---

Day 29- I read Christopher Columbus' journal yesterday and he writes about having to clean the POOP DECK! He discovered America AND hes funny!

The plot of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (as it is written on imdb) is this:

The legendary Power Rangers must stop the evil space pirate Divatox from releasing the powerful Maligore from his volcanic imprisonment on the island of Muranthias, where only the kindly wizard Lerigot has the key to release him. The hope of victory lies in the Ranger's incredible new Turbo powers and powerful Turbo Zords.

So that's funny by itself. But the other half of the plot is that there is this kid who discovers the Power Rangers secret identities and so, they have no choice but to let him become a Power Ranger. When I first heard about this premise as a child I was thrilled and envious. Why couldnt I too become a Power Ranger? This lead to more questions:

When we played power rangers, why did I have to always play Billy? Is it because I wore glasses? Yes. Why couldnt we change our message machine at home from a "beep" to Tommy's Dragonzord call (Dooo...do do do....do do doooo!)? And most importantly, why couldnt my dad be Mr. Saban, the man in charge of bringing the Power Rangers to America. My friend knew the son of Mr. Saban (the kid's name is Ness) and said he had every single Power Ranger toy that existed. Shangri-La.

But back to the original point: now, after talking about it with my good math loving, freckly friend Jeff Hoffman, I realize that the Power Rangers were stupid in making a kid a Power Ranger? This kid was 12! He had no martial arts experience, no real intelligence! He hadn't been "chosen" by Zordon. Little fucker essentially black-mailed the Rangers. Which leads me to this thought: Shouldnt the Rangers have just simply taken care of it. Who would suspect that the peace loving, crime fighting, teenage heroes would off a young kid who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? No one. They should have invited him to a "Rangers only" party, and then, while they were showing him the hand sequences for how to call their zords, they could have gotten the white tiger zord to rip this kid's fucking head off! Little fucker should have kept his mouth shut and the Rangers shouldnt have bought into his demands. Anyway, if I were a Ranger thats what I would have done. I guess that's why I'm not a ranger.

Continuing with the "kids" theme I feel like someone needs to say this: Poor Spencer Breslin.
Kid had a promising young career appearing opposite Bruce Willis in "The Kid," taking the Disney channel by storm, appearing in such memorable original movies as "The Ultimate Christmas Present," and "You Wish." He was in "The Santa Clause 2," "Raising Helen" and more Disney stuff. People kinda knew who he was, but he was getting more famous, and for a fat kid with buck teeth, he was sure raking in the benjamins. He pretty much had it made. Then that cunt of a sister of his comes along and RUINS EVERYTHING.

Fucking Abigail Breslin. She has like 4 lines in one movie, "Signs," does a little more TV and suddenly gets an Oscar nomination for "Little Miss Sunshine" at like 10 years old! Now she's taking all the movies Dakota Fanning doesnt want to do because she isnt getting raped in them (As far as I can tell, no one got raped in "Nim's Island"), and even headlining them. In "Kit Kitteridge: An American Girl" all around LA were posters of her face with some dog and sometimes, binoculars. She is also getting paid like $2 million a picture.

I wonder who the favorite child in that family is now? If I were Spencer I would be royally POed (which stands for pissed off). I work so hard for like 6 fucking years, toiling in Disney shit, not being able to lose weight because I have to be "the sympathetically chubby kid" in everything. Finally my career may take off because I am getting older and what happens? My bitch ass cum dumpster of a sister does one indie film where she does a silly dance and gets invited to the fucking Oscars! It's just not right. Now I am at that awkward stage in puberty where I cant get work because I am not a teenager, but I'm not a kid and Abitchgail is raking in the dough starring in movies alongside Catherine Zeta Jones and Ryan Reynolds. My next movie is called "Harold" and I play a bald kid. I've already done like 6 fucking movies with Tim Allen! Is there no justice in this world? I guess not Spencer, I guess not. For Spence's sake, all we can do is hope that Ms. Breslin gets knocked up sometime soon and suddenly doesnt seem so cute anymore. I'm looking at you Wild Willis.


Until Tomorrow--