Day 19- This is how old I was last March 27th.

I dont watch any reality TV. I never liked it, and I probably never will. Specifically, I hate shows that follow celebrities around (i.e. Osbournes, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, Living Lohan, anything Cory Williams watches (no offense)) Here are some of the reasons:

1. WAY too many shots of the celebrities driving and talking on the phone. I get bored driving around in my own car, why would I want to watch someone else drive? To me, hearing a celebrity vent about the place they had just been (waxing, meeting, rehab...) or talk excitedly about where they are going (bass fishing, photo shoot, rehab) is just annoying and a waste of time. If I did watch the shows I would think, I want to see celebrity THERE. Not "getting there" or "leaving from there." And frankly, if I get distracted when I'm driving by movie posters (there have been some really funny ones lately with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly for Step Brothers) how distracted must these celebrities be if they have a camera in the car and need to talk, sound interesting, and remember that they are ON TV? These celebrities are a danger to the public! They cant focus on making left turns, being alert and looking out for pedestrians while driving around with cameras in their car knowing that America is watching every time they put on their turn signal. GET RID OF DRIVING SHOTS for Godsakes!

2. Every interaction between the celebrity and his/her "friend" or "family member" is forced and everyone who is not an actor looks uncomfortable. And when I say uncomfortable, I mean UNCOMFORTABLE. As uncomfortable as Luke Walton looked during that halftime video that played during the NBA Finals that had him talking to his dad about growing up and playing basketball. The part where Daddy Bill said, "Son, no matter if you win the championship or not, I will still love you unconditionally" and Luke looked back and said, "thanks Dad." That made me feel like I was watching David Brent talk to his employees about objectifying women.

SIDENOTE- Last week I did see David Brent (Ricky Gervais) live in concert doing stand-up and he was fantastic. Just a wonderful performer and actor with a wicked sense of humor and some of the dirtiest jokes I've ever heard. His problems with the lack of morality in the Humpty Dumpty poem was particularly memorable for me ("Why would you send all the kings horses and all the kings men? What if there was an invasion?! Where are the king's horses and men? Well...we sent them to uh...fix that egg. ALL OF THEM? Yea...) If you ever get a chance to see him live or do stand up on TV (I believe he has an HBO (woo woo) special coming up) definitely take a moment and witness the best British import America has right now; that is until Little Britain USA airs on HBO (woo woo) this September.

AND WE'RE BACK. So yea--people looking awkward on reality TV. I have to admit I did catch one episode of Denise Richards: It's Complicated. But I only watched it because the headline of the show was "Denise ponders whether or not to do a nude photo shoot." Now if you've seen the film, "Wild Things" you understand why I would be....lets just say excited, waiting for Denise to decide whether or not she wants to take off her clothes.

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE--Denise was much hotter in Wild Things than she is now. It's amazing what 10 years and plastic surgery will do to one's body.

Anyway, in the episode she is playing with her young teenage nephew and she asks him if he has a girlfriend. Now if you've ever been 13 years old before, you know that when an adult asks you about the opposite sex, you immediately get really shy and then pee in your pants a little. So imagine the embarrassment of this kid being asked that question IN FRONT OF A 10 MAN CAMERA CREW and knowing that his answer will be broadcast on TELEVISION. So Denise does one of her "asides" and says, "my nephew is one of those typical teenage boys, super shy, super blah blah blah." How is this supposed to make her nephew feel good? Now you're thinking, whatever, no big deal. OH, IT GETS BETTER.

She then asks her nephew--"have you ever watched any of my movies? have you ever seen me naked in any of my movies?"

WTF!!! Why would she ask her nephew that?! I see two scenarios for why this kid is probably mortified. 1- He had not seen her naked, but she implied that he had on national television thereby making everyone watching think that this poor kid watches videos of his aunt getting boned by Matt Dillon. 2- He HAD seen videos of her getting boned by Matt Dillon and now he has to lie and look uncomfortable and embarrassed on television.

Clearly Denise Richards never read the Torah text which teaches us never to whiten our neighbor's face in public, for it is like bringing death upon them (or something like that) Thanks Rabbi Neal Schiendlin! (Yes Willis, you can laugh. In school I had a rabbi named Neal Schiendlin).

You can see why I felt awkward watching this. It only gets worse when Denise talks to her 70 year old Dad, Irv, and embarrasses him on TV asking him questions like "should I model naked?" Or when she goes on a "date" with a "normal guy" and the guy acts all nervous and doesnt seem very cool. Would you act "cool" if you went on a date with Denise Richards and 10 camera crew members and you knew it was going to be broadcast on NATIONAL TELEVISION? Ugh.

Finally, reason number 3 why I hate Reality TV- You know NOTHING is real. Everything is scripted, or at least the scenarios are improvised so you're basically watching shitty people doing crappy acting. Why watch a terrible faux scripted show when you can watch a quality SCRIPTED show? I dont understand. I agree that real drama comes out of real life and real situations, but gimme a break--Denise Richards "mediating an argument between her 2 assistants" is not REAL DRAMA.

Ps. Denise, if you are reading this, just forget everything you just read. I was just a little peeved. I really do like you. If you ever decide to say, get a time travel machine and go back to 1997, I would totally come with you.

Lastly, today I want to talk a little bit about Dana Carvey. First off, I LUV Dana Carvey. He is one of my favorite SNL cast members of all time. I loved his original characters, his impressions and his later stand up. But I recently saw his new HBO special, "Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies" and I must say I was underwhelmed. It was kinda funny and his impressions were good, but his jokes about Scientology, parenting and age were so uninspired that I felt...well...cheated. I hope he does better stuff in the future, but so far his new stuff (stuff he's done in the past 10 years) is really stinky.

By the way, many people dont know this, but Dana Carvey used to have his own sketch comedy show on Fox. It lasted like 6 episodes and it had quite possibly the best concentration of talent ever assembled. The cast/writers were these people: Dana Carvey, Stephen Colbert, Steve Carrell, Dave Chappelle, Louis C.K., Robert Smigel, and Charlie Kaufman. Yes THE Charlie Kaufman. How could this show do wrong?

I have seen some of the sketches on various online sites and I think a lot of it is VERY funny. I hope it is released on DVD someday.

Until Tomorrow--