Day 36- What am I giving thanks for? Leslie Nielsen. Why not?

I have a theory. Every movie that starts with "MEET" is inevitably a shitty movie. There is one exception: Meet the Parents. Every other one I can think of is just really really bad. What makes these movies so bad? Well, a lot of them are based around stupid characters with no plot. It also says, since "Meet the ___" tells you nothing about the movie, that the producers dont even know what the movie is about, or that they didnt care enough to think of a real title. So here is my list that proves the rule:

1. Meet the Spartans
2. Meet Dave
3. Meet the Robinsons
4. Meet the Deedles
5. Meet the Browns
6. Meet Joe Black
7. Meet Wally Sparks
8. Meet the Fockers
9. Meet Bill

All of these movies are pretty darn shitty. Meet the Spartans was obviously just that shitty parody movie. Meet Dave is the Eddie Murphy movie this summer that bombed that had Eddie Murphy play different Eddie Murphys (I didnt know he could do that?!). It was originally called, "Starship Dave" but after The Adventures of Pluto Nash (the biggest box office flop of all time), I think producers wanted to never put "space" and "Eddie Murphy" together. Meet the Robinsons was that stupid Disney animated movie.

TANGENT: I dont think Disney's made a good animated movie since Tarzan. After Tarzan we got Lilo and Stitch (Ohalo means "go fuck yourself"), Treasure Planet (Martin Short voices ZANY robot! Where do I wait in line??) , Brother Bear (no wonder Joaquin Phoenix retired from acting. That movie was as forgettable as my 2nd Baby Mama, whose name I cant remember right now. And I should cuz I write her a fucking check every month! Word to the wise, never drink heavily and go to Chuck E. Cheese. Two many babes. Too strong beer goggles), Home on the Range (More like Home on my nutsack), Chicken Little (The sky is falling! More like my brain is falling.....asleep. Get it? Cuz the movie was boring.) Meet the Robinsons (If the Robinsons in question were Craig Robinson's family (Craig Robinson plays Darryl on the Office and was easily the best part of "Zach and Miri make a Porno." Oh and I brought him to Wash U last year and he is hilarious and quite an awesome dude.) THEN AND ONLY THEN would I go see that movie) and Bolt (Bolt may be ok, but thats only because Pixar head John Lasseter was an executive producer and made sure that it was at least watchable.) Is there a single good movie in this group? No. Not a single one.

Disney artists should truly be embarrassed by the films they've produced this decade. Comparing them to PIXAR is like comparing England to America. England was balling for many centuries, dominating the world like no body's business. They had the strongest Navy and Army and were the premiere leaders in industrialization. Then some Englishmen moved to America under English jurisdiction. Their products were produced independently, but helped distributed around the world by the Mother Country, who also took much of their profits. Then, they became independent (although Pixar films are still marketed and distributed by Disney) and easily surpassed England to be the most balling country in the world. THEY became the leaders of the free world, balling and shot calling, even bailing Britain out in WWII when it was on the cusp of being destroyed (just like Pixar movies were basically bailing out Disney, giving it money makers and merchandise when all Disney had were those Pirate movies). Like that analogy? Can you think of a better one? COMMENT!

BACK TO REALITY: The only good thing Meet the Deedles brought to this world was Paul Walker, and thats being charitable. Paul Walker's a shitty actor, but he is nice to look at. Meet The Blacks starred retired Laker forward, and idiot dumb enough to cheat on ex-wife Vanessa Williams, Rick Fox, which automatically means it wasnt good, Meet Joe Black had a hot Brad Pitt and an even hotter Anthony Hopkins, but Claire Forlani just doesnt do it for me. I wont give Rodney Dangerfield any respect for Meet Wally Sparks, and Meet the Fockers didnt measure up to its predecessor (the truth is I just didnt think the stakes were high enough in that movie). There's a reason why you never heard of "Meet Bill" even though it starred Aaron "Twoface" Eckhart, Jessica Alba, Elizabeth Banks and Timothy Olymphant. It was bad.

Anyway, that's the proof. Movies that start with "Meet" are shitty. So for gosh sakes, just choose another title!!!


In other news, on imdb it says that Zach Braff just went on a trip to Israel and loved it so much and felt such a communal feeling that he is going to write a movie about an American Jew who visits Israel. Right on Zach! I used to love you, then I heard you were a douchebag, then I got bored with you, but now I like you again. Especially because this January, I'M Going to Israel for 6 months! So represent.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 35- How can Cedric Diggory be in a new movie?!

Life's been fairly hectic recently, what with Bat Boy: The Musical, Aziz Ansari coming to Wash U and a special enhanced KARL Show coming up, so again I apologize for not writing as much as I should. Lets jump right in:

I am now going to make a list of shows/movies you should start watching NOW:

1. Go see Role Models. It has Stifler playing Stifler, Paul Rudd playing himself, but wonderfully misanthropic (the adjective I've read in every single review of the film), and a hilarious 10 year old Black kid who I remember being hilarious on the short lived but still funny "The Tracy Morgan Show." This movie has some of the most hilarious dialogue since "40 yr old Virgin" and a heartwarming ending. Plus, you gotta love anything David Wain does.

2. Sunday Night Comedy on HBO
Sunday nights has turned into my favorite night of TV (only surpassing Thursdays because I dont watch TV any other night).
Entourage has been a little uneven, but at least its entertaining. I love it bcecause its about Hollywood, and well if you havent guessed it already, I am very into Hollywood. One thing about the show that is so unrealistic to me, is that Johnny Drama always dresses really stupidly, and then hits on girls with such golden lines as, "hey beautiful" and gets MAD PISSED when they dont respond. Johnny should know that just saying "hey beautiful" to a hot girl does not magically make them want to fuck you.
Summer Heights High is my new favorite comedy on TV. It is a mockumentary style show about an Australian Public School and it stars one guy who plays 3 characters: A gay/delusional Drama teacher (Reminiscent of Corky St. Clair), A 13 year old Bad Boy "islander" who is the most difficult student of all time, and a 15 year old Rich Bitch from a Private school who is doing a swap program with Summer Heights High. The actor/writer who plays all of these characters, Chris Lilley, is briliant and observent and hilarious. START WATCHING THIS SHOW!
The Life and Times of Tim is a show I had very low expectations for. I saw the internet shorts and I was not impressed, but this show consistently has me on the floor laughing. It is awkward and smart and the voices are just so perfectly expressive. The weird animation with lopsided eyes and minimal body movement reminds me of "Home Movies" or "Dr. Katz" but its better. The show in a nutshell is about this normal/mediocre guy named Tim who always means well but ends up doing stupid/offensive shit (to try and please other people) and then has to explain himself to his girlfriend or boss. Worth your time.

30 Rock-- Always just very very very clever. I am not a huge fan of guest stars (they used Oprah cleverly, but why should I care about Jennifer Aniston?), and the plots for the most part this season have not been wonderful, but the dialogue is so chocked full of clever lines (and if its one thing I value in comedy, its cleverness) that I could watch it every day. Lines like "Never follow a hippie to a second location" and "Liz: Why are you wearing a tux? Jack: It's after 6 o'clock Lemon. What am I, a farmer? make 30Rock a very valued show.

The Lakers-Almost every game (DAMN YOU DETROIT!) has been poetic basketball. I just wish it were April already!

Day 34- Gimme Gimmme More, Gimme More, Gimme Gimme More

I'm truly sorry I have not been posting as often as I should. I have been so busy lately so please forgive me!!!!

One of the reasons I was busy is because this past weekend I was in Chicago watching a lot of improv. Some highlights include:

• Lyndsay Hailey of the Deltones
• Watching "Radical Concept Improv"

Lyndsay Hailey is a cast performer in the Deltones, which is a musical-improv team at Improv Olympic. She has been a cast member there for at least a year (cause I saw her there last year) and she is one of the most phenomenally talented, hilarious improvisers I have ever seen. Mark my words, she will get on MadTV or SNL one day and be the next Kristen Wiig. She is also extremely gorgeous. So if you ever go to Chicago, see her shows. And if you are a talent scout or manager, I'd sign her right away!!

Radical Concept Improv is a show at IO on Saturday nights at Midnight where teams do improv in weird ways. This past week, 15 improvisers performed long form improv as senior citizens from Shady Maples Retirement Home. It was HILARIOUS. They were so committed and stayed in character the entire time. One of the highlights was one performer, the incomporable Peter Robbards (KARL and Suspicious of Whistler Alumn), who was in a wheelchair and kept being pushed into scenes, forcing him to justify his presence. Good fun.

If you are ever in Chicago--check out these two shows!

OK--now that that's out of the way I have something to say.
Rarely do external factors (ie. movies, television, the news) severely effect my mood. If I see a sad movie, it might stay with me for a little while immediately afterwards, and then dissipate. If I see a funny episode of the Office, chances are I wont be thinking about it the next day. Only 2 external factors that I have no control over really effect my moods and give me trouble sleeping:
1- The Lakers
2- Harry Potter books.
When something happens with the Lakers, whether a win, a loss, a trade rumor, a free agency looming etc, I cant stop thinking about it. The night Shaq was traded to Miami, I remember I was in Israel. I found out about it the night before I was supposed to wake up at 3 AM to take 2 hour bus ride to hike up to Masada. As tired as I was, I did not sleep the ENTIRE NIGHT. Not in my bed, not on the bus, not on the bus ride back, not in the afternoon, not the ENTIRE DAY. At every hour, all I was thinking about were the implications of this trade: Who is going to start? Is Kobe going to leave too? Is Brian Grant worth $55 million dollars? Is he worth more dead or alive? Why didnt we at least get D-Wade? What is Shaq going to do in Miami? Is Lamar Odom going to come back to LA and immediately start smoking weed again? Is he going to sell weed to the whole team? Are the entire Lakers going to be stoned on opening day? (PS. To this day, that picture still makes me want to cry)
Last year, when Kobe said he wanted to be traded during training camp-my heart was about to explode. No joke. I couldnt concentrate on my homework, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat. All I could do was check ESPN.com every 10 seconds for an update. In the immortal words of Charlie Brown---AAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

When I read a Harry Potter book for the first time, I cant sleep because the book is so damn engrossing. If I am forced to put it down for say a meal, or a bathroom break, I cannot think about anything else. What's Harry going to do? Does Hermione really like that Victor Krum? Does Dumbledore really know what's up? Are there such things as wizards condoms? Thats why I now read Harry Potter books all in one sitting.

ANYWAY--THE POINT IS THIS.

I can now add one more thing to this list. MAD MEN. The 2008 Emmy Award Winner for Best Drama and Best Writing. That show is so damn engrossing, fascinating, and thought prevoking that I simply cannot get through my day without thinking about it at least fifteen times. I IMPLORE YOU to start watching this show. I swear on Mark Wahlberg's mother that it will be the best decision you will ever make.

Since this blog is supposed to be about nonsense, and not neccessarily movie/TV reviews, I will invite readers who want to increase their understanding of MAD MEN and other great shows to check out www.MEDIAMAVENMUSINGS.COM. This website is informative, well-written and really helps expand your knowledge and comprehension of quality entertainment.

LAST NOTE ON THE BLOG TODAY:
Whatever happened to Brittany Murphy? She had a quality career as a teenage appearing on several TV shows including Sister, Sister, Almost Home (oh Chuckie Lee Torkelson, how you do amuse me and dare I say...the world), Blossom, Party of Five etc. Then she successfully made the transition into movies with her immortal role as Taj in "Clueless" (1995). After some small roles she broke out again in "Dont Say A Word," (2001) giving her her own catchphrase, "ILL NEVER TELLLL" and MTV Movie Award. She was a young star on the rise. She got starring roles in "8 Mile" (lose yourself in the music....) and "Just Married" (co-starring her boyfriend, a young punk named Kutch). She even got top billing the films "Uptown Girls" (not as good as the song) and "Little Black Book" which came out in 2004 (and for which she got paid $4 Million for! That's a lot for a woman in Hollywood whos not Cameron, Reese or Julia).

Then she all but dissapeared. She had a small role in "Sin City" and "The Groomsmen" (good ol' Eddie Burns), but now--POOF. Gone. She even was supposed to be the voice of Tinkerbell in the new Disney straight to DVD movie, Tinkerbell. But she lost that role to---you'll never guess---MAE WHITMAN (better known as ANN VEAL from ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT). I know what you're thinking--Her? YES. Her.

She's doing some small projects now, but what gives? I know she's had some trouble with her boyfriends/finances in the past, but what happened to her career? She had so much promise. She was attractive (Made lots of "Sexiest Women Alive" lists in her heyday), spunky, creepy, white trash and girl next door. She could sing, and women seemed to really like her. Those movies she headlined also didnt do particularly poorly at the Box Office. Did Hollywood decide that she just wasnt bankable? I dont have an answer, other than to say that her agent must really suck. Sorry Brittany. I dont particularly care for you, but I hope you find your career again. If Kate Hudson can keep making shitty chick flicks (Fool's Gold, My Best Friend's Girl, Raising Helen) then why cant you?

Until Tomorrow--

Day 33- My name is Sarah Palin and I want to give a shout out to all my girls from WASILLA! You guys rock! GO TRL! CARSON I LOVE YOU!

I was watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on TV the other day and it occurred to me: there are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who read the books and see the movies thinking, "I wanna be Harry Potter! He's so brave!" "I want to be Ron Weasley, or George or Fred! (well maybe not Fred...)" "I want to be Hermione! She's smart and beautiful and she kicks ass!"

These children are stupid! Why would you want to be Harry Potter! Why would you want to have the baggage of the entire wizarding universe on your shoulders? Why would you want to constantly be afraid that everyone you know is going to die? Why would you want a direct connection to the dark lord? And for that matter, why would you want to be Ron or Hermione, or anyone remotely connected to Harry Potter?! Why would you want to constantly be afraid that because you're friends with the boy who lived, the most powerfully evil wizard to ever walk the Earth us going to KILL YOU? Why would you want all of that resting on your shoulders as a 15 year old? It doesnt make sense.

You know who I want to be? A wizard kid. Thats it. Like Dean Thomas who does color commentary (no pun intended) for the Quidditch games. Or one of those kids on the left. I want to be just a normal kid who happens to be a wizard, and goes to Hogwarts and does cool magic. I want my biggest worry to be about my O.W.L.S, not "HOW DO I SAVE THE ENTIRE WIZARDING COMMUNITY and DEFEAT THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD OF ALL TIME with ONLY 6 YEARS OF PRACTICE?!" I want to be one of the wizard kids in the background, hanging out in the school yard while Harry and Hermione discuss how to break into the Ministry of Magic. I want to cry about Cedric Diggory, and then MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. You know what I would do? I would stay the FUCK AWAY from Harry Potter! That's what I would do.

You might be saying: Yeah, but Harry and Ron and Hermione are the closest friends ever! Dont you want that kind of friendship?

Eh. I'm sure there are cool guys to hang out with at Hogwarts who dont carry around more baggage than Paris Hilton's butler (the joke is that she has a lot of clothes which she has to carry in many suitcases). And the truth is, if I didnt have many friends in the wizarding world, I'm sure there are some Muggles who would want to get to know the kid who can conjure up charm spells that can make them look old enough to buy alcohol. And when its all said and done, JK implies that Harry works in the Ministry of Magic. If I really wanted to I could get a job there too! Only when I worked there, I wouldnt be haunted by memories of my parents, godfather, friends and teachers getting murdered. In conclusion, why be Harry when you can be Duncan Inglebee – Ravenclaw's Quidditch Beater whose most significant school memory was getting a hummer from Lisa Turpin in the Room of Requirement right after the Yule Ball in my 4th year. Oh yea, and I'd have my parents.


IN OTHER NEWS:

1- Remember a while ago I wrote about Tim Matheson and Rob Lowe being the same person? Well this week on Entourage, Tim Matheson played a Hollywood Studio Exec. You know who played an agent--a similarly powerful Hollywood player? ROB LOWE in Thank You for Smoking! Give Rob 15 years and he too can be on Entourage playing an Exec.

Thats another funny thought---Entourage in 15 years! What's Turtle like in 15 years? How fat can that motherfucker get? He's probably still smoking weed. And Drama? What's that dude doing in his 50s? I have no idea. Not acting, thats for sure. Vince--it depends how gracefully he ages. He probably can still act--hopefully be more of a Richard Gere. TruthfullyI doubt it though. He's probably gone back to Mexico. Ari's probably an executive at this point, the stress being too much for an agent. The only one in the "crew" who's actually going to be still going strong--E.

2- I was in the bathroom today watching an episode of The Sarah Silverman Program on my iPod and guess who I saw? JON "DON DRAPER" HAMM! He was on for 6 seconds playing a CABLE GUY installing cable for Sarah! He asks her for a kiss and she rejects it! Idiot!

I also just read an article about him that said that he grew up in ST LOUIS (right around Wash U woo woo!) and in college, besides acting all he was thinking about was getting hammered and laid. Wow Jon. You're awesome. It also said he used to work on soft core porn sets doing set dressing.
Wow Jon. Not so awesome.

Until Tomorrow---

Day 32- Go look up John Mulaney's stand up comedy. It's very very good.

Has anyone seen the ad campaign for the new Disney flick, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua?" I have seen multiple different commercials and one-sheets and not a single one says ANYTHING about the plot. I literally have NO idea what this movie is about. I dont think Disney wants anyone to know. I think they are relying on the idea that chihuahuas are cute and people like Beverly Hills to sell this movie. The one problem is...they're 10 years too late! The Taco Bell chihuahua phenomenon was popular in 1998! Are they really expecting audiences to pay $10 just to see some cute chihuahuas walk around Beverly Hills? Do these chihuahuas even talk? Do you know how long it is taking me to spell the word "chihuahuas" every time I type it!

Who knows--this movie may surprise me and do really well. And if it does...well America is dumber than I thought.


Speaking of movies that surprised everyone and did well, this weekend, the number 4 movie in America that made $6.51 million was "Fireproof." Have you heard of it? I have. You know who stars in it? Take a wild guess---nope its not Carrot Top. Nope---not Fred Savage, but you're getting closer. Nope! Not Leo Dicaprio, but you're soooo close! IT'S KIRK CAMERON! FROM GROWING PAINS!

Let me preface the following pieces of information by saying---I LOVE GROWING PAINS. I watched it every day as a kid, my sister and I memorized the theme song and used to perform it acapella style--harmonies and all. I also think Alan Thicke is a great dad and that some of Leo's and Hilary Swank's best work appeared on this show.

Anyway-in Fireproof, Kirk plays a fireman who's having marital problems, but with Jesus Christ's help, he gets back on track. In case you didnt know, Kirk is now a Christian Fundamentalist evangelist and currently a partner in the evangelical Christian ministry The Way of the Master. I havent seen him much in anything lately except for late night Christian television where he goes up to people on the street and asks them to accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior.



2 Interesting facts about Kirk Cameron:
1. He has 10 kids (6 natural and 4 adopted). with his wife Chelsea Noble (who played his girlfriend Kate on Growing Pains and in "You Lucky Dog").
2. There is a kissing scene in his new movie, but because he had "made a commitment not to kiss any other woman" they brought his wife Chelsea to the set. And "had her wear the dress my character's wife wore. They shot the scene in silhouette, so when I kiss my wife, I'm actually kissing my wife and honoring our marriage."

Wow. Kirk is really intense. But why is it ok to act like someone else is your wife, but its not ok to kiss them? Whatever--let him do what he wants. Hey--if Brad Pitt hadnt kissed Angelina Jolie for Mr and Mrs Smith, maybe Brennifer Anistpitt would still be a couple today...

It's just interesting that after 3 Christian themed action movies ("Left Behind" and its sequels) suddenly this movie heats up (ba dump che!) and actually makes money at the box office.

I guess one should never underestimate the Christian fan base that made The Passion of the Christ $300 million, The Chronicles of Narnia- $300 million and every Tyler Perry movie a hit.

In conclusion--I guess when you have Jesus on your side, anything is possible! And in double conclusion-- Kirk really "showed AMERICA his smile again."

Until Tomorrow--

Day 31- I Cant Wait for Anne Hathaway to get pregnant, so the headline of all the tabloid papers will say "Anne Hath-a-baby!"

I just saw a trailer for the new Adam Sandler movie called, "Bedtime Stories." During the trailer, interspersed with scenes from the movie, the voice-over (RIP Don LaFontaine) read, "What if you told a story...and the next day it came to life!" Now obviously this is the plot of this movie, yet another Adam Sandler high concept movie. That's basically how the writers (Matt Lopez and Sandler buddy Tim Herlihy(as in the Herlihy boys)) sold this movie.

For those of you who dont know, a high concept movie is a movie based around a very simple premise that can reach a wide audience. Think most commercial films. Non-high concept movies are typically character driven indies with artistic integrity.

This got me to thinking, there are a lot of high concept movies that were executed very well, and some that were executed very poorly. Here are a couple of examples, and the "pitches" of the movies to the studios.

1. Liar Liar:
Writer: Imagine a world where a LAWYER couldnt lie for a WHOLE DAY! The lawyer...JIM CARREY!
Exec: Lets make a picture! (This exec happens to be from 1930).

I loved Liar Liar (where the message was, "dont lie"). It isnt necessarily the greatest concept, but it didnt matter because in 1997, Jim Carrey was a god. And rightfully so. I dont think anyone else could have done as good of a job as he did, combining the hilarious physical comedy, with the snappy one-liners and get ready for it....heart. Cary Elwes was also great as Maura Tierney's dorky ass suitor (The Claw!), and Jessica Tilly (apparently the best celebrity poker player out there) was fantastically icy cold as the bitchy whore slut. This movie is quoteable, memorable, and certainly stands to test of time.

PROOF: Last year I was hanging out at AEPi in my friend Stephen Golding's room with like 10 other people. We were all sitting around discussing what movie we should watch. We had like 15 choices. If I remember correctly, among the choices were--Wayne's World, The Big Lebowski, Orange County, Ace Ventura, Austin Powers, Men in Black, Liar Liar etc. It took us literally like 25 minutes, but finally we all voted, and it was down to Orange County and Wayne's World. We all voted again and still arrived at a stalemate. Suddenly, someone (maybe T-BAUM'S World?) said, "hey guys--lets just watch Liar Liar." Unanimously it was accepted and put into the DVD player. So the lesson is: Liar Liar--always a good choice.

ps. I wouldnt necessarily say this movie is timeless--now you wouldnt hear any kid say, "I wanna be Jose Conseco!" Unless they want to actually grow up and take illegal growth hormones and then rat out all of their friends who took them too, and bring down Major League Baseball and do it all to make some money cause you were stupid and lost all of yours.



2. Meet the Parents:
Writer: You all have had awkward encounters when you met your girlfriend's parents...am I right? Sure I am! Well this movie is just that! The hero has one weekend to impress his girlfriend's parents, and instead of winning them over, he just gets into one hilarious embarrassing situation after another! And to make it even more painful for the guy, imagine if the girlfriend's dad was ROBERT DeNiro!
Exec: I like it. It's relateable. DeNiro was funny in Analyze This. Let's make a picture!

I LURVE "Meet the Parents." I remember seeing this movie when I was in 7th grade and never laughing harder. And it holds up! I was watching it on TV yesterday and it was still as hilarious as ever. This is one movie that relies on each situation getting progressively worse and hilarious and it does! (unlike Along Came Polly). And the comedy doesnt always come from Ben Stiller screwing up. The schtick with the airline lady trying to book him a seat is damn funny. Anyway-Owen Wilson is gold and this movie is awesome.

On a side note, I heard Charlize Theron tried out for the part of the girlfriend, but was rejected on the grounds that she "wasnt pretty enough." Interesting how the world works out. Charlize--here's your Oscar. Teri Polo (girlfriend) here's your....Meet the Fockers.

3. Jumper:
Writer: Imagine if one guy could just jump and get to anywhere in the world!
Exec: I like it. But does it have a plot?
Writer: It doesnt need one! We'll get Samuel L. Jackson!
Exec: Let's make a picture!

I hated Jumper. Hated it hated it hated it. I've written about it before, so I will not go into detail now. (If you are interested, look it up. The post has a sexy picture of Rachel Bilson on it!)This movie had a wicked cool concept and completely went nowhere with it. And anything with Hayden Christenssen is bad.

4. Snakes on a Plane:
Writer: It's Snakes on a Plane.
Exec: Fair enough. But who will want to do that?
Writer: Samuel L. Jackson
Exec: Fine. Do it.

I saw Snakes on a Plane opening night and it was great fun. Not very scary, very very funny, and very very bad. But it knew it was bad, so it was ok. This movie had everything you wanted it to have. It even did re shoots to add more blood and more boobs! So I really cant complain.

Some of my favorite lines:
Neville Flynn: Everybody listen! We have to put a barrier between us and the snakes!
Man Bitten on Penis: Fucking snake! Get off my dick!

5. Independence Day
Writer: Aliens attack us. Shit goes down.
Exec: Nice. I smell a blockbuster. Get me Jeff Goldblum and you got yourself a picture!

I have nothing bad to say about Independence Day. Any blockbuster movie that features 2 religious Jews as leads that help save the planet has got my vote!

6. Home Alone
Writer: A kid is stuck home alone and sets booby traps for funny robbers
Exec: How cute is this kid?
Writer: Like REALLY cute. Its the kid from "Uncle Buck!"
Exec: I fucking love that kid!
Writer: Me too!
Exec: The best thing about him, is I figure in 10 years he wont be fucked up at all!
Writer: That child actor will turn out comepletely normal!
Exec: We'll release around Christmas! Lets make this movie!

I Love Home Alone. I love Home Alone 2. After I saw those movies I kept trying to create pranks like that at home, but one of them stained our carpet and got my mom really pissed at me and the other one was just getting a paper bag to fall on the head of anyone who entered my room. It was funny the first time. Any readers out there do funny pranks? LET ME KNOW!

Oh--and in terms of this movie being successfully executed--it was the highest grossing live action comedy of all time until Meet the Fockers came out. Now its the second. So I'd say it was pretty successful.

7. The Animal
Rob Schneider: So get this guys! Imagine if I started acting like an animal! Like peeing on mailboxes and humping people's legs!
Adam Sandler: That sounds really stupid.
Rob: C'mon man! I really need to do a movie! I'm like your best friend!
Adam: I know man, but you're not funny.
Rob: C'mon Adam pleeeeease!
Adam: I dunno---
Rob: PLEEEASE! If you do this for me, I promise I'll never ask you to bank roll that movie I have about me pretending to be a girl!
Adam: Fine. I'll let you do this ONE movie! But there's no way in hell I am giving you money to make "The Hot Chick."

8. The Hot Chick
Rob: PLEEEEEEASSSE!
Adam: No man! I said no! I gave you The Animal and no one liked it! Please let it go!
Rob: But Adam, you're my best friend!
Adam: I said no!
Rob: C'mon! If you let me do this I'll only do supporting roles in your movies from now on!
Adam: You realize this movie will make you the laughing stock of Hollywood. You will literally get shit on.
Rob: No I wont! This movie is hilarious!
Adam: Fine. Whatever. Make your stupid movie.
Rob: I wont let you down!

Both of these movies sucked. The lead actress in The Animal was Colleen Haskell, a contestant on Survivor, and even though The Hot Chick was co-written and directed by a guy named Tom Brady, this movie was not at all Super Bowl material.
I will say that I liked Norm McDonald's cameo in "The Animal" though. As much as he asks you to hate him, Norm McDonald is a funny mother fucker. Watch him at the Bob Saget Roast if you dont believe me!

Until Tomorrow--

PS. You ever notice how after you eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, you end up hungrier than you were before? The only good part about them, is if you're lucky, it makes your yabba dabba doo colorful!

pps. As if I couldnt get any more like Shia LeBeouf, I'm getting more like Shia LeBeouf! Shia LeBeouf is playing a character named ETHAN in his new movie EAGLE EYE! Take that disbelievers!

Day 30- For Cock's Sake It's A Blogpost Charlie Brown!

Today I will discuss stupid movies that had the potential to be good, and but took themselves way too seriously and by doing so, sucked.

1. Point Break- A couple things to take into account. 1. This movie was released in 1991, when Patrick Swayze wasnt a punchline. 2. This movie was released in 1991, when Keanu Reeves became an automoton and decided to shy away from his awesome stoner head performances in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" and "Parenthood." 3. Gary Busey is in this movie.

Point Break is about an FBI agent named "Johnny Utah," (already a name you cant take seriously) played by Keanu Reeves (already an actor you cant take seriously) who infiltrates a group a surfers, lead by the Swayze, who surf and skydive almost all year round, except for the month or so when they rob banks dressed up as Ex-Presidents, to make enough money, so they can surf and skydive. Interesting plot. Lots of cool action sequences--after all, people/Swayze surfing, robbing banks and sky diving are all fun to watch. Yet after the first hour and a half of fun stuff (ie. Gary Busey wearing Hawaiin shirts, Keanu learning to surf from a butch chick who I cant possibly find attractive, Patrick Swayze shirtless), it turns REALLY serious. Keanu busts a bank robbery, people in the surf crew get shot and die, innocent civilians get shot and die, Gary Busey gets shot and dies, (he even has a last word moment!) girlfriend is taken hostage, and shit just goes DOWN. It stops being fun, it starts just making you feel uncomfortable, and every scene towards the end has lots and lots of rain. Who wants to watch rain for 30 minutes! Finally, the last lines of the movie, as Keanu watches murderer Patrick Swayze surf into a hurricane, letting him get away, he turns to the water and says, "Vaya con Dios, Brah." WTF! Keanu speaking Spanish and saying Brah? This movie is nuts. I rest my case.

2. I Know Who Killed Me- For better or worse (CORY would say for worse), Lindsay Lohan is a punchline. Right after she is arrested for so much coke, even Scarface would say, "thats a lot of coke!" she does this movie, as a serious actress. In the movie, she plays a killer/stripper, and does her first real sex scene. No one wants to see someone that coked up and gross have sex; (although I guess the 300,000 youtube hits on that video beg to differ. How do I know it has 300,00 hits? Someone told me! Mind your damn business!) Also-part of the movie is watching Lindsay get tortured by a sadistic serial killer! Who wants to see Halley Parker and Annie James (Parent Trap reference) get cut open? The fact that this movie was treated as a serious character-driven psycho thriller while it's just a horrific, poorly acted piece of tortue-porn just ruins it that much more. It also won 8 Razzies. So there.

3. Hulk (The Ang Lee version)- The Hulk is not an interesting character. The Hulk is a giant green smashing machine that fucks shit up. Bruce Banner is just depressed that he cant have sex with his girlfriend and he's always running from people who want to hurt him. Bruce Banner is not fun to watch. The Hulk is. Lou Ferrigno is awesome. Ang Lee picked Eric Bana, a great actor, to try and act through all of the complicated sides of Bruce, but he's not that complicated. He's not Batman, and this isnt The Dark Knight. When a movie tries to find the real "inner conflict" in a character that doesnt have a strong one, it inevitably will not be successful. Therefore, I'm sorry Ang, but this movie was not very good. The newer Hulk focused a lot more on the action, and because of this, was a lot better.


4. Daredevil- I cant take Ben Affleck seriously. Especially when he "pretends" to be blind.

5. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3- These movies WAAAY thought that people actually cared about the pirate world. The reason the first movie was successful was 1- because Johnny Depp was so damn weird and funny and interesting. 2- Because women love Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. 3- Because Keira Knightley is hot. 4. Because the action was very fun and entertaining. 5- because Pirates are cool.

Thats it. No one cared about the secrets of "Davey Jones' locker" or the curses of squid faces, or Asian pirate kings in the East or the Commodore. The movie got so wrapped up in its own mythology that it stopped being interesting, started getting confusing, and just lost everyone. Pirates of the Caribbean 1 was so good because it was so silly and unique and fun. It was also very tongue and cheek. The next 2 became humongous spectacles without the charm of the first one. And thats that.

6. Click- This movie started out really silly and decent, filled with sight gags, funny situations and Christopher Walken. Then about half way through it started to get really sad. Like really sad. Like it almost made me cry sad. Suddenly, a movie about a magic remote control became a movie about appreciating family and not working too hard, and making sure that you give Kate Beckinsale enough loving. Like anyone couldnt find the time in their busy day to bed bump the hottest vampire since Antonio Banderas in "Interview with a Vampire." So, Adam Sandler--stick to silly stuff that doesnt take itself too seriously, like "You Dont Mess with the Zohan." Its much more your style.

7. Star Wars Prequel Trilogy- I have a whole other entry post for this, so stay tuned.


8. Battlefield Earth- This film was the depiction of the first half of one of L. Ron Hubbard's Sci Fi novels which have become the "bibles" of the "religion" of Scientology. This had long been a pet project of noted Scientologist and 70s film actor John Travolta, and John even invested some of his own money into the film. Because John Travolta thinks Scientology, and therefore, all the stuff in this movie is real, when he says shit like, "I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango" or While you were still learning how to spell your name, I was being trained to conquer galaxies" you have to laugh. Also, notice the giant hands!

Then you think, "Wow, this guy's actually crazy," then you think, "Wow, everyone who is a Scientologist is crazy." And then you think, Wow, I am really hungry. I ate a sandwich a couple hours ago, but I havent eaten anything since and it just crept up on me how hungry I am. I wonder if I have any of that leftover moo goo gai pan left over from that party last night? No, I finished it this morning. Dammit. Lets see, I could eat a Nature Valley bar, but those just suck up all the saliva I have in my oral glands and make me feel like I have cotton mouth. I should just have a bowl of cereal. SHIT! I'm out of milk! I should have picked some up at the market when I went a couple days ago. I am such an IDIOT! Oh well, I guess I'm going to have to jerk it and call it a day.

NEW TOPIC: "WHAT HAPPENED TO..."

This week: Tom Everett Scott. What happened to that guy? He was HANDPICKED by Tom Hanks to be the next....Tom Hanks, and he just completely squandered his career. He was SHADES-charming, handsome, and a pretty solid actor. Then after one decent movie (One True Thing) and a bunch of other shitty stuff starring TV actors (Dead Man on Campus (Mark Paul Gosselaar), The Love Letter (Tom Selleck)) he just went straight to TV and starred in failed shows like "The $treet," "Philly," and "Do Over." Do you remember these shows? Neither do I. Now hes still doing TV, but also a little theatre. I saw him a couple years ago in an LA production of the show "Dead End" which coincidentally also starred my cool cousin Ben Platt. I liked him in that show, so hopefully he'll have a solid theatre career he can always fall back on.

Until Tomorrow-

PS. A lot of what was discussed in this blog was brought up in a conversation between me and Daniel "I'm really not so glad that Burn After Reading did commercially well because I like to feel that I am one of the only ones who REALLY appreciates the Coen Brothers. I've Seen the Hudsucker Proxy" Arkin

Day 29- I read Christopher Columbus' journal yesterday and he writes about having to clean the POOP DECK! He discovered America AND hes funny!

The plot of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (as it is written on imdb) is this:

The legendary Power Rangers must stop the evil space pirate Divatox from releasing the powerful Maligore from his volcanic imprisonment on the island of Muranthias, where only the kindly wizard Lerigot has the key to release him. The hope of victory lies in the Ranger's incredible new Turbo powers and powerful Turbo Zords.

So that's funny by itself. But the other half of the plot is that there is this kid who discovers the Power Rangers secret identities and so, they have no choice but to let him become a Power Ranger. When I first heard about this premise as a child I was thrilled and envious. Why couldnt I too become a Power Ranger? This lead to more questions:

When we played power rangers, why did I have to always play Billy? Is it because I wore glasses? Yes. Why couldnt we change our message machine at home from a "beep" to Tommy's Dragonzord call (Dooo...do do do....do do doooo!)? And most importantly, why couldnt my dad be Mr. Saban, the man in charge of bringing the Power Rangers to America. My friend knew the son of Mr. Saban (the kid's name is Ness) and said he had every single Power Ranger toy that existed. Shangri-La.

But back to the original point: now, after talking about it with my good math loving, freckly friend Jeff Hoffman, I realize that the Power Rangers were stupid in making a kid a Power Ranger? This kid was 12! He had no martial arts experience, no real intelligence! He hadn't been "chosen" by Zordon. Little fucker essentially black-mailed the Rangers. Which leads me to this thought: Shouldnt the Rangers have just simply taken care of it. Who would suspect that the peace loving, crime fighting, teenage heroes would off a young kid who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? No one. They should have invited him to a "Rangers only" party, and then, while they were showing him the hand sequences for how to call their zords, they could have gotten the white tiger zord to rip this kid's fucking head off! Little fucker should have kept his mouth shut and the Rangers shouldnt have bought into his demands. Anyway, if I were a Ranger thats what I would have done. I guess that's why I'm not a ranger.

Continuing with the "kids" theme I feel like someone needs to say this: Poor Spencer Breslin.
Kid had a promising young career appearing opposite Bruce Willis in "The Kid," taking the Disney channel by storm, appearing in such memorable original movies as "The Ultimate Christmas Present," and "You Wish." He was in "The Santa Clause 2," "Raising Helen" and more Disney stuff. People kinda knew who he was, but he was getting more famous, and for a fat kid with buck teeth, he was sure raking in the benjamins. He pretty much had it made. Then that cunt of a sister of his comes along and RUINS EVERYTHING.

Fucking Abigail Breslin. She has like 4 lines in one movie, "Signs," does a little more TV and suddenly gets an Oscar nomination for "Little Miss Sunshine" at like 10 years old! Now she's taking all the movies Dakota Fanning doesnt want to do because she isnt getting raped in them (As far as I can tell, no one got raped in "Nim's Island"), and even headlining them. In "Kit Kitteridge: An American Girl" all around LA were posters of her face with some dog and sometimes, binoculars. She is also getting paid like $2 million a picture.

I wonder who the favorite child in that family is now? If I were Spencer I would be royally POed (which stands for pissed off). I work so hard for like 6 fucking years, toiling in Disney shit, not being able to lose weight because I have to be "the sympathetically chubby kid" in everything. Finally my career may take off because I am getting older and what happens? My bitch ass cum dumpster of a sister does one indie film where she does a silly dance and gets invited to the fucking Oscars! It's just not right. Now I am at that awkward stage in puberty where I cant get work because I am not a teenager, but I'm not a kid and Abitchgail is raking in the dough starring in movies alongside Catherine Zeta Jones and Ryan Reynolds. My next movie is called "Harold" and I play a bald kid. I've already done like 6 fucking movies with Tim Allen! Is there no justice in this world? I guess not Spencer, I guess not. For Spence's sake, all we can do is hope that Ms. Breslin gets knocked up sometime soon and suddenly doesnt seem so cute anymore. I'm looking at you Wild Willis.


Until Tomorrow--

Day 28- "I want to see Meet the Fockers in 3D"- My 14 year old camper Michael Namm after telling him I had just seen Superman Returns in 3D.

So as you can tell, I will not have the time to necessarily update the blog as frequently as I did during the summer. HOWEVER, you should still check it often as a new post may be up there when you least expect it. Having said that....

HERE IS THE NEW SAID POST!

If I had to be one actor from the mid-eighties to early 90s I would probably want to be Christopher Lloyd. Mr. Lloyd has claimed a firm place in cinematic history as one of the best go-to manic character actors, and has also attached himself to some of the best/most popular movies of those days. Lets go through some of them shall we?

1. Back to the Future (1985): There is really nothing to discuss other than to say that this franchise is in my top 4 movies of all time (Airplane, Austin Powers and The Matrix probably being the other 3). It has action, adventure, humor, time-travel, (I guess there is something to discuss) an eighties soundtrack featuring Huey Lewis and the News, a giant clock tower, awesome chase scenes, a wicked cool/trippy concept, Libyans, an awesome logo, plutonium, Crispin Glover, the brother Dwayne from 'The Wonder Years', fire, and the best score of all time (yes, it is my ringtone). Taking all of that into consideration, even though Marty McFly is the hero of the film, Doc Brown is really the heart and soul of that movie. When he was shot by the Libyans, you (and by you I mean I) almost cried.

2. Clue (1985): Not neccessarily a classic, but the board game is, and the witty dialogue ("You see? Like the Mounties, we always get our man") , excellent casting (Tim Curry as the BUTLER!) and zany cast of characters make this movie a must-watch. This movie also has made it through the sands of time to be played on basic cable on Sunday afternoons. It also has developed a bit of a cult following, so thats 2 for 2 Mr. Lloyd.

3. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988): This movie is in my top 7. It is one of the most creative, hilarious, innovative, brilliant comedies of the past 25 years. The animation is unbelievable, the plot is engaging, and the cartoon that Christopher Lloyd turns into at the end of the movie is FUCKING SCARY (to be said in an increasingly high pitched voice): "Remember me Eddie! When I KILLED YOUR BROTHER! I SOUNDED JUST...LIKE....THIIIIIS!" Jessica Rabbit (as voiced by the sultry Kathleen Turner) is still the hottest cartoon of all time (No disrespect of course to Tanya Moskowtiz from "An American Tail"). I'd much rather watch her sing in a night club than watch Cameron Diaz sing circa "The Mask."

Furthermore, this is probably going to be THE movie Bob Hoskins is going to be remembered for (Sorry "Super Mario Bros," but Dennis Hopper really mailed in his performance as King Koopa. I much preferred him as Victor Drazen.) Even the Roger Rabbit cartoon that opens the film stands alone as a hilariously violent triumph. The real impressive aspect of the film is that Disney got Warner Bros to let them use Bugs Bunny and the whole gang of WB cartoons. Seeing Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny together taunt Bob Hoskins as he falls out of a window? Priceless.

4. The Dream Team (1989): This movie is decidedly much less popular or known, but it did star HUGE HOLLYWOOD STAR (at the time) MICHAEL KEATON. In case you are not familiar with this film, it is like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest but zany. It's about a bunch of mental hospital patients who go to New York to get fresh air, and end up going astray, getting framed for murder, and just causing a big ruckus in general. If you've never seen it before, well....dont rent it, but if its on TV at some point on Encore or something, I'd take a look. The truth is I remember liking it when I saw it when I was 10, and I havent seen it since. So who knows if it is actually good at all. Lets just move on.

5. The Addams Family (1991). This movie was a huge hit at the time. I havent seen it in years, but I probably never will. Why you ask? Well, when I was on a plane on the way to Israel when I was 6 years old, I sat in the first row right in front of the giant pull down movie screen (remember those?) It was a long flight and I was a very tired boy. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I remember staring into the enlarged face of a bald, pale, hunchbacked, creepy Uncle Fester. He was laughing and to a child of 6...well it wasnt very pleasant sight, especially after a nap. I freaked out and have been freaked out by the Addams Family movies ever since.*

*The other movie that played on that flight was none other than....Mrs. Doubfire! Why I remember this? I dont know. But then again I also dont know any math I learned in high school, so you figure it out.

6. THE FAMILY FRIENDLY 1994 3 PACK: Angels in the Outfield (1994), Camp Nowhere (1994), The Pagemaster (1994). All of these movies are friendly PG movies that champion the power of children's imagination. In AITO cutie patootie Joseph Gordon Levitt thinks he can save the Anaheim Angels season because he can see angels, lead by Christopher Lloyd, helping the team win. "Bahh-humbug" says grizzled manager Danny Glover who acts in every movie as if he is "too old for this shit." Luckily though, Danny begins to believe and everyone wins, including baseball players, Matthew McConaughey, Adrien Brody and Tony Danza. Interesting that Tony Danza was the highest billed guy in the movie at the time, and now he is a poor schumuck probably waiting to appear on "Dancing with the Stars."

"Camp Nowhere" is about a camp that KIDS MAKE THE RULES! NO ADULTS ALLOWED! KIDS RULE! KIDS ARE AWESOME! YEA! Really cool kid stars Jonathan Jackson and Andrew Keegan were the stars of this film (which also featured a young, but still scorching Jessica Alba). Chirstopher Lloyd played the crazy homeless guy who posed as the camp director so the parents wouldnt know what was going on. DID I MENTION--KIDS RULE! I watched this film at camp one summer when I was in the infirmary, sick with a fever. I was drifting in and out of sleep during the movie, but I specifically remember jumping out of my bed to go vomit in the toilet just as the BOY and GIRL were about to kiss. Ahh....good times.

FINALLY-"The Pagemaster" starred Macauly Culkin as a wimpy nerd who gets trapped in a library where all the books came to life and sounded surprisingly like Whoopi Goldberg, Patrick Stewart and Leonard Nimoy. This was a very imaginative idea, and the animation was cool. Ed Begley Jr. as Macauly Culkin's dad was ever cooler. This movie was also surprisingly scary, especially CLloyd as THE PAGEMASTER, but then again, when Christopher Lloyd is in a movie, the fear factor does jump up about 10 notches.

ALL in all C. Lloyd has had a pretty awesome career. He is the craziest mother fucker this side of normal town. I like him a lot. NEW ADDITION--I saw C.Lloyd in this "Goosebumps Haunted Lifehouse" 4D Movie (one of those where if its windy, they blow air in your face) at Sea World a year or so ago and he was in it! He played this crazy old sea captain! But you know who else was in that movie? Michael McKean and Lea Thompson (Lorraine McFly herself!). And then Weird Al had a cameo at the end as a waiter which was totally unexpected and awesome. So the moral is if you go to SeaWorld, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.

Until Tommorrow--

PS. Did anyone catch the Mad Men a couple weeks ago where Bobbe was trying to black ball Don Draper in a restaurant? While his wife is at the table, Don follows Bobbe to the restroom, and in the hallway, proceeds to STICK HIS FIST INTO HER VAGINA, and tell her never fuck with him again. Needless to say, she got the message. What message? That DON DRAPER IS THE MAN.