Day 30- For Cock's Sake It's A Blogpost Charlie Brown!

Today I will discuss stupid movies that had the potential to be good, and but took themselves way too seriously and by doing so, sucked.

1. Point Break- A couple things to take into account. 1. This movie was released in 1991, when Patrick Swayze wasnt a punchline. 2. This movie was released in 1991, when Keanu Reeves became an automoton and decided to shy away from his awesome stoner head performances in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" and "Parenthood." 3. Gary Busey is in this movie.

Point Break is about an FBI agent named "Johnny Utah," (already a name you cant take seriously) played by Keanu Reeves (already an actor you cant take seriously) who infiltrates a group a surfers, lead by the Swayze, who surf and skydive almost all year round, except for the month or so when they rob banks dressed up as Ex-Presidents, to make enough money, so they can surf and skydive. Interesting plot. Lots of cool action sequences--after all, people/Swayze surfing, robbing banks and sky diving are all fun to watch. Yet after the first hour and a half of fun stuff (ie. Gary Busey wearing Hawaiin shirts, Keanu learning to surf from a butch chick who I cant possibly find attractive, Patrick Swayze shirtless), it turns REALLY serious. Keanu busts a bank robbery, people in the surf crew get shot and die, innocent civilians get shot and die, Gary Busey gets shot and dies, (he even has a last word moment!) girlfriend is taken hostage, and shit just goes DOWN. It stops being fun, it starts just making you feel uncomfortable, and every scene towards the end has lots and lots of rain. Who wants to watch rain for 30 minutes! Finally, the last lines of the movie, as Keanu watches murderer Patrick Swayze surf into a hurricane, letting him get away, he turns to the water and says, "Vaya con Dios, Brah." WTF! Keanu speaking Spanish and saying Brah? This movie is nuts. I rest my case.

2. I Know Who Killed Me- For better or worse (CORY would say for worse), Lindsay Lohan is a punchline. Right after she is arrested for so much coke, even Scarface would say, "thats a lot of coke!" she does this movie, as a serious actress. In the movie, she plays a killer/stripper, and does her first real sex scene. No one wants to see someone that coked up and gross have sex; (although I guess the 300,000 youtube hits on that video beg to differ. How do I know it has 300,00 hits? Someone told me! Mind your damn business!) Also-part of the movie is watching Lindsay get tortured by a sadistic serial killer! Who wants to see Halley Parker and Annie James (Parent Trap reference) get cut open? The fact that this movie was treated as a serious character-driven psycho thriller while it's just a horrific, poorly acted piece of tortue-porn just ruins it that much more. It also won 8 Razzies. So there.

3. Hulk (The Ang Lee version)- The Hulk is not an interesting character. The Hulk is a giant green smashing machine that fucks shit up. Bruce Banner is just depressed that he cant have sex with his girlfriend and he's always running from people who want to hurt him. Bruce Banner is not fun to watch. The Hulk is. Lou Ferrigno is awesome. Ang Lee picked Eric Bana, a great actor, to try and act through all of the complicated sides of Bruce, but he's not that complicated. He's not Batman, and this isnt The Dark Knight. When a movie tries to find the real "inner conflict" in a character that doesnt have a strong one, it inevitably will not be successful. Therefore, I'm sorry Ang, but this movie was not very good. The newer Hulk focused a lot more on the action, and because of this, was a lot better.


4. Daredevil- I cant take Ben Affleck seriously. Especially when he "pretends" to be blind.

5. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3- These movies WAAAY thought that people actually cared about the pirate world. The reason the first movie was successful was 1- because Johnny Depp was so damn weird and funny and interesting. 2- Because women love Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. 3- Because Keira Knightley is hot. 4. Because the action was very fun and entertaining. 5- because Pirates are cool.

Thats it. No one cared about the secrets of "Davey Jones' locker" or the curses of squid faces, or Asian pirate kings in the East or the Commodore. The movie got so wrapped up in its own mythology that it stopped being interesting, started getting confusing, and just lost everyone. Pirates of the Caribbean 1 was so good because it was so silly and unique and fun. It was also very tongue and cheek. The next 2 became humongous spectacles without the charm of the first one. And thats that.

6. Click- This movie started out really silly and decent, filled with sight gags, funny situations and Christopher Walken. Then about half way through it started to get really sad. Like really sad. Like it almost made me cry sad. Suddenly, a movie about a magic remote control became a movie about appreciating family and not working too hard, and making sure that you give Kate Beckinsale enough loving. Like anyone couldnt find the time in their busy day to bed bump the hottest vampire since Antonio Banderas in "Interview with a Vampire." So, Adam Sandler--stick to silly stuff that doesnt take itself too seriously, like "You Dont Mess with the Zohan." Its much more your style.

7. Star Wars Prequel Trilogy- I have a whole other entry post for this, so stay tuned.


8. Battlefield Earth- This film was the depiction of the first half of one of L. Ron Hubbard's Sci Fi novels which have become the "bibles" of the "religion" of Scientology. This had long been a pet project of noted Scientologist and 70s film actor John Travolta, and John even invested some of his own money into the film. Because John Travolta thinks Scientology, and therefore, all the stuff in this movie is real, when he says shit like, "I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango" or While you were still learning how to spell your name, I was being trained to conquer galaxies" you have to laugh. Also, notice the giant hands!

Then you think, "Wow, this guy's actually crazy," then you think, "Wow, everyone who is a Scientologist is crazy." And then you think, Wow, I am really hungry. I ate a sandwich a couple hours ago, but I havent eaten anything since and it just crept up on me how hungry I am. I wonder if I have any of that leftover moo goo gai pan left over from that party last night? No, I finished it this morning. Dammit. Lets see, I could eat a Nature Valley bar, but those just suck up all the saliva I have in my oral glands and make me feel like I have cotton mouth. I should just have a bowl of cereal. SHIT! I'm out of milk! I should have picked some up at the market when I went a couple days ago. I am such an IDIOT! Oh well, I guess I'm going to have to jerk it and call it a day.

NEW TOPIC: "WHAT HAPPENED TO..."

This week: Tom Everett Scott. What happened to that guy? He was HANDPICKED by Tom Hanks to be the next....Tom Hanks, and he just completely squandered his career. He was SHADES-charming, handsome, and a pretty solid actor. Then after one decent movie (One True Thing) and a bunch of other shitty stuff starring TV actors (Dead Man on Campus (Mark Paul Gosselaar), The Love Letter (Tom Selleck)) he just went straight to TV and starred in failed shows like "The $treet," "Philly," and "Do Over." Do you remember these shows? Neither do I. Now hes still doing TV, but also a little theatre. I saw him a couple years ago in an LA production of the show "Dead End" which coincidentally also starred my cool cousin Ben Platt. I liked him in that show, so hopefully he'll have a solid theatre career he can always fall back on.

Until Tomorrow-

PS. A lot of what was discussed in this blog was brought up in a conversation between me and Daniel "I'm really not so glad that Burn After Reading did commercially well because I like to feel that I am one of the only ones who REALLY appreciates the Coen Brothers. I've Seen the Hudsucker Proxy" Arkin