Day 40- The amount of time the Israelites wandered through the desert. And the age Steve Carrell had sex in the 40 Year old virgin

Hey everyone, I know I am supposed to be writing Part 2 of the last post, but I think I would rather do "this" right now. "This" being, only writing short snippets of nonsense that I have picked up. So:

1st snippet: Have you heard of that movie The Dark Knight? It came out last summer. It was about a bat. Anyway, do you remember that actress who plays Commissioner Gordon's wife? The red head who's in about 4 scenes and cries in practically every one. Every time I saw the movie I racked my brain trying to figure out where I recognized her from. It killed me every time. Then, finally-without looking it up on IMDB, it hit me last night like a James Brown song. She was in that classic 1998 Leslie Nielsen spoof film, "Wrongfully Accused!" She plays Leslie's love interest--the sultry, silly "which side is she on" seductress Cass Lake, who has such funny lines as:

Cass Lake: You see, I think she's my sister.
Ryan Harrison: Sister?
Cass Lake: It's like a brother, only you do each other's hair.

There are other funny lines in this movie, such as
Ryan Harrison: Don't move. I've got a gun. Not here, but I got one.

also: Ryan Harrison: [to Sean] Right? Signal "yes" by shooting yourself in the head three times.
Lauren: Don't, it's a trick!

And I got one more for you just for kicks:
Ryan Harrison: Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face.
Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt.
Ryan Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.

I usually dont quote that much on the blog, but this movie is actually pretty funny, and I just read all of those and each one made me laugh out loud. BOY! It actually felt good writing that entire phrase out. Laugh out loud. You should try it some time.

Anyway, not only was this actress in both these movies, but she also played a pivotal role in one of my favorite shows on teleivison-- MAD MEN! I know there are only some readers who actually watch the show (<5) but I'm going to write about it anyway to get you all to get in the game!

She played Bobbie Barrett! The last woman Don Draper had an affair with and then one who I wrote about a while back. She was the one he FISTED in the back of a restaurant!

Thats all I will write about that. I dont want to spoil anything for those of you (all of you) who havent watched Mad Men yet.

Anyway--impressive lady. Impressive body of work. Impressive crying in Dark Knight (I have now seen that movie 6 times btw, and I cant wait to watch it again.) Oh. And the actress's name is Melinda McGraw.*

One more thing to post. I just read this from a reliable source. (It was imdb). Why didnt I just say, "I read this on IMDB." Cause I like the term reliable source. It makes me sound like a journalist when really I am typing this post while wearing nothing but boxers in my bed, while listening to a song from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog's 2005 comedy album, "Come Poop With Me." Anyway! The News!

The stars of Harry Potter are getting a makeover from the team behind Brad Pitt's transformation for The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button - they're set to be digitally aged for the final movie.

They are going to use the same technology as they did in Benjamin Button to make the three stars of HP look older for the epilogue scene in the HP7P2. (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. They are splitting the last book into 2 movies to make more money). This means they'll probably use different actors' bodies and superimpose new digital faces of the original adorable threesome.

PS. If you could have a threesome with any "trio" of famous characters (must include at least one member of your same sex), who would it be? My top 3 off the top of my head.

1. Harry, Ron and Hermione
2. Lizzie McGuire, Miranda and Gordo
3. Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Princess Leia

(illegal 4th option): Any 3 of the members of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
(illegal and disturbing 5th option): Sonic, Tails and Knuckles

I guess this new Benjamin Button tech shit is cool. I just hope they dont make HP7P2 8 hours long.

This turned into a much longer post than I expected. Oh well. Better for you all.

Until Tomorrow---

*I did it. I spoke about The Dark Knight without mentioning Heath Ledger. Oh wait...shit.

Day 39- The Triumphant Return: PART I

Ladies and gents, I'M BACK! Obviously I've been away for quite some time doing god knows what, god knows where, but I've truly missed all of the great times I've had with this little machine, and the "kehillah" or "community" forming in the comments sections. I miss the report (pronounced like "Colbert Report"), the laughter, the tet-a-tet. So without further ado here is some more nonsense:

Something has been troubling me lately. For the past half decade, some of my favorite comedians growing up have been making increasingly unfunny comedies. These comedies have stupid stories, unfunny dialogue, mailed in performances, and ultimately insult the intelligence of the viewer.

Can you think of something more depressing and disappointing then seeing a comedy and NOT LAUGHING EVEN ONCE? I cant. And I once read about the Cambodian Genocide.

I cant wrap my head around it. Jim Carrey is a funny guy. He's proved it time and time again. The fact that Adam Sandler has been around so long attests the fact that he has a personality and sense of humor that resonates with people. Vince Vaughn KILLED me in in Old School and Wedding Crashers. Will Ferrell and Mike Myers are two guys I WORSHIPED in middle school and high school and by universal standards are two of the funniest guys on the planet. So why have all these people made such unfunny movies recently?

Lets go into a little more detail: (and I apologize in advance if all of these parentheses make your computer crash)

JIM CARREY:
Golden Years: 1994- 1998

Jim Carrey obviously had it made. He was the first guy EVER to get a $20 million payday (for....The Cable Guy), and unanimously (or at least says my April 1997 Disney Adventures Magazine) was the funniest guy in the world. He wanted to stretch as an actor. Good. You cant be gooey your whole life (although maybe Evan Kuhn can be an exception).




TRANSITION

1998: Jim does The Truman Show. FANTASTIC. Great movie, interesting plot, well acted, showed range. I think of the Truman Show every time I cross a street and hold out my hand to let the driver know I'm crossing the street. THE UNIVERSE REVOLVES AROUND ME! The score for that movie is also pretty wonderful.

(Me as America talking): Anyway, good for you Jim. Now lets get a comedy!

1998: Nope, Jim decides to have a small part in "Simon Birch" (a small, moving family friendly film about a boy with stunted growth but big dreams and a big HEART!) Please hold your laughter at the picture. Please....tryy..to contain....laughter...BAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


I apoligize.

Ps. guess what else the director of this movie has directed. You'll never guess. Give up? DAREDEVIL, ELEKTRA, AND GHOST RIDER! WTF! Who is this guy? How did this guy get big budget Daredevil if all he had directed before was Simon Birch? NONSENSE. Anyway---

1999- Jim does "Man on the Moon." A drama ABOUT a comedian (Andy Kaufman). Great move Jim. Absolutely fantastic movie! Jim's performance was remarkable, touching and accurate and shockingly did not get nominated for an Oscar. (Undoubtedly it was a strong year for best actors: Denzel in "The Hurricane," Kevin Spacey in "American Beauty," Russell Crowe in "The Insider." But STILL, I'm sure Jim's performance was better than old fart, Richard Farnsworth who was nominated that year for "The Straight Story."

SIDENOTE: This movie also holds a close place in my heart because in 7th grade for our "Wax Museum" I dressed up as Andy, acted out a whole monologue and even wrote a "diary of his life" based on a biography written by Andy's best friend and writing partner. Andy Kaufman was a brilliant, tragic man. Google him if you dont know who he is.

OK JIM! WE LIKE YOUR DRAMATIC SIDE! JUST GIVE US A COMEDY!

Fine. He does Me, Myself and Irene in 2000 which is arguably the LAST FUNNY MOVIE JIM CARREY HAS EVER MADE. Think about that--Jim Carrey, the "Funniest guy in the world" hasnt made a FUNNY comedy in almost 10 years!

SIDENOTE: I hate Renee Zellwegger in everything except for Jerry Maguire (which is a phenomenal movie, and one deserving of an entire post). One more thing: I dont think there is anything remotely attractive about Renee Zellweger. And finally: Renee Zellwegger's face always looks like she is reacting to someone teasing her, and her saying with a fake smile that raises the cheekbones, "ha ha. very funny." (INTERACTIVE PART: Try making this face while looking at a picture of Renee Zellwegger. Its uncanny!)

He did "How the Grince Stole Christmas," which was an intersting performance, but not funny and not a great movie. He did the god-awful, "The Majestic," he made the comedy "Bruce Almighty" but the funniest part of that movie was obviously STEVE CARRELL (AHHH! CaCa Poo Poo Doo Doo!) Here are some gags from the movie: Jim Carrey as God makes his gf's boobs bigger. He splits traffic. Walks on water. Makes his dog pee in the toilet. Lifts up ladies' skirts on the street. REALLY? A man can do ANYTHING IN THE WORLD HE WANTS and the funniest gag they can think of is that he makes his dog pee in the toilet?! Come on! Practically every situation in Liar Liar was funnier than that whole movie.

Next--Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Wonderful, amazing, brilliant, touching, visually stimulating, clever, creative, truthful, thought provoking, genuine. But not a comedy, so we MOVE ON:

2004: Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events. Eh.

2005: Fun with Dick and Jane. The first time I saw this movie was on a date (YES WITH A GIRL!) in high school, so I never actually WATCHED the movie (wink wink, nudge nudge, blammy blip blop! A WOOOO GAAA!) but I saw it again on an airplane, and laughed maybe twice. And it was at Alec Baldwin. How can anyone think that watching Jim Carrey sing "I Believe I Can Fly" in an elevator is super funny. Its cute. Not clever. Not funny. And Judd Apatow helped write this movie...tsk tsk.

2008: The Number 23: Not even worth discussing

2008: Horton Hears a Who: Cute movie, but its animated so I wont really discuss it. I will say that I think Jim was not very funny in it. I think he was a bit miscast. I prefer the Andrew Klein interpretation. Actually, I think the problem was they made Horton a goofy character, and in the book, he really isnt. He's a sincere and simple. Not manic and crazy. You know who would have been great in the real version of Horton? Greg Kinnear. Why? Because Greg Kinnear can do anything.

2008: Yes Man. Jim's RETURN to comedy again. Guess what. I saw this movie and laughed during ONE SCENE. And it was watching Murray from Flight of the Conchords making funny faces. Thats it. So either Murray is REALLLY FUNNNY or the movie is REEEEALLLY NOT FUNNY. I think its both.

HOLY COW. I realize now that I've written too much. So I will make you a deal readers. I will make one concluding point here now, and then leave more in Part 2 of this post.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS: Is Jim Carrey still funny? Did he lose his funniness? His sense of humor? Does he know what is funny anymore? OR is he trying to play characters that he THINKS people want to see him play? Is he right to do this?
Bruce Almighty seemed like the perfect movie for him. Were the jokes so stupid because he and the writers thought that these types of jokes would appeal to the masses? Or did they actually think they were making a great, hilarious comedy? I am not sure. I would admit it may be a bit of both. I saw Jim Carrey on Oprah plugging "Horton Hears a Who"(Today. In Israel. When this episode must have aired months ago when it came out in theaters or on DVD) and he was wacky and zany and wiggled around the stage, and made jokes, but he wasnt that funny. Steve Carrell came on and made me laugh three times as much in his first 3 minutes. So maybe Jim Carrey has just gotten stale or is not as funny as he used to be. Or maybe he is just being the Jim that he thinks we all want him to be? Maybe he just assumes we'll laugh at him doing anything. I dont really know. Maybe he just needs better material.

UNTI---

WAIT! ONE MORE THING THAT IS HILARIOUS. SO--Dakota Fanning's career took a nose dive and she became a media punchline when she took a part in the indie, "Hounddog." A movie where in it, she gets raped. She apparently wanted to be taken more seriously as an actor. Getting paid $10 million to act with DeNiro, Denzel, and Sean Penn were not enough. To show people how serious this 11 year old was about acting, she thought she had to get RAPED. But NO ONE agreed. The movie was heavily panned. She was criticized for taking such a ridiculous role, and her child-friendly image was tarnished. Guess who took her place in all of those cutesy kids-teach-adults-a-thing-or-two-about love and/or responsibility and/or friendship and/or conquering ones fears-movies---ABIGAIL BRESLIN. She fulfilled this part well, and was raking it in. Surely she wouldnt grow up as quickly as Dakota and Lindsay Lohan.....

FALSE. Abigal Breslin (aka cute girl in little miss sunshine) just took a part in an indie called, "Rape: A Love Story." WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GIRL THINKING! Dakota gets chastised for being in a movie where she gets raped, but Abigail Breslin thinks its wise to be in a movie with the word RAPE in the TITLE! Oh, dont worry. Abigail isnt the one getting raped. She merely WATCHES her MOTHER get GANG-BANGED! WTF! Hasnt she learned anything from Dakota? Abigail Breslin was ALREADY nominated for an Oscar. What is she trying to prove? Does she think the movie is going to play well? Is she trying to shove it to Dakota and say, "I can be in a movie with RAPE in the title, and it will make 3 times as much as that movie you were raped in!" Does she really think people/critics/people who help her income want to see a movie with the word "rape" in the title?!" Can 11 year old Abigail Breslin spell, "rape?" Does she even know that boys have penises and girls have vaginas? Hollywood is certainly filled with NONSENSE.

Until Tomorrow---

Day 38- Give Mr. G a word and he'll give you a song!

If you need a Latino actor, there are lots of options: Freddy Rodriguez, John Leguizamo...actually that's it. If you need an Asian actor, there are also a plethora of options: John Cho. If you need an Indian actor, well, if the population of India is any indication, there are millions of options: Kal Penn. But what if you need an actor who can play Polish? Or Russian? Or Greek? Or Palestinean? Or Cuban? Or Jewish? You could hire actors of those descents OR you can hire one of these three actors:

1. Alfred Molina
2. John Turturro
3. Hank Azaria

These three actors have faces and accents that could easily pass for almost any ethnicity you need. It is quite remarkable actually.

Alfred Molina was born in London and is of Spanish and Italian descent. In his long and varied career he has played characters named:

Sapito, Giovanni, Sergei, Pierre, The Italian, Jose, Mike, Rev. Leland Drury, Diego Rivera, Tevye, Rahad Jackson, Boris Blavasky, Snidely Whiplash, Dr. Otto Octavius (Doc Oc), Bishop Manuel Aringarosa, and Eric.

Think about that! He's played Italian, Spanish, Mexican, French, New Yorker, Russian Jew, Orthodox Priest, Saudi, Russian, Octopus, Non-descript American. He's a freaking United Nations! Talk about being versatile. Ok I will. John Turturro is similarly ridiculously ethnodrogynous (I just made up a word. What have you done today?)

John Turturro is an Italian-American who has played characters named:

Larry, Pino, Pisciotta, Moe Flatbush, Barton Fink, Roland T. Flakfizer, Dr. Bill Perlman, Herbie Stempel, Jesus Quintana, Joey Knish, Benjamin Kasparian, Howard Cossell, The Phantom/Fartoshi, and Paolo Zane.

We've got Italian, Jewish, Spanish, Mexican, Palestinean, New Yorker and non descript American (as apple pie). Not exactly on par with Molina, but in the words of his buddy Adam Sandler, not too shabby! Lets cap it off with Hank Azaria:

Hank Azaria is of Greek descent and has played characters named:

Albert Freedman, Alan Marciano, Agador Spartacus, Walter Plane, The Blue Raja, Mitch Albom, Proffessor Groeteschele, Claude, Patches O'Houlihan, Abraham and Kah Mun Rah.

Keeping in mind that these are characters he's played in person we've got New Yorker, gay Cuban, Spanish, German, French, Irish, Egyptian, British, Russian and Jewish. This doesnt begin to touch his vocal skills on the Simpsons which let him act every other nationality in existence.
(I'd also like to point out that Hank Azaria is the best part of almost every movie he's in--American's Sweethearts, Mystery Men, Along Came Polly, Anastacia...)

So here we have 3 wonderful accomplished actors capable of playing multiple ethnicities and therefore extremely varied characters. Not even Denzel Washington or Tom Hanks can boast a resume this impressive. These actors are also consistently working which means that as an actor, if you want to work for several decades, the more you can stretch, the easier a time you will have finding work. Also who wants to play the same character over and over again? (no offense Woody Allen or....soon to become Seth Rogen).

Until Tomorrow---

Day 36- What am I giving thanks for? Leslie Nielsen. Why not?

I have a theory. Every movie that starts with "MEET" is inevitably a shitty movie. There is one exception: Meet the Parents. Every other one I can think of is just really really bad. What makes these movies so bad? Well, a lot of them are based around stupid characters with no plot. It also says, since "Meet the ___" tells you nothing about the movie, that the producers dont even know what the movie is about, or that they didnt care enough to think of a real title. So here is my list that proves the rule:

1. Meet the Spartans
2. Meet Dave
3. Meet the Robinsons
4. Meet the Deedles
5. Meet the Browns
6. Meet Joe Black
7. Meet Wally Sparks
8. Meet the Fockers
9. Meet Bill

All of these movies are pretty darn shitty. Meet the Spartans was obviously just that shitty parody movie. Meet Dave is the Eddie Murphy movie this summer that bombed that had Eddie Murphy play different Eddie Murphys (I didnt know he could do that?!). It was originally called, "Starship Dave" but after The Adventures of Pluto Nash (the biggest box office flop of all time), I think producers wanted to never put "space" and "Eddie Murphy" together. Meet the Robinsons was that stupid Disney animated movie.

TANGENT: I dont think Disney's made a good animated movie since Tarzan. After Tarzan we got Lilo and Stitch (Ohalo means "go fuck yourself"), Treasure Planet (Martin Short voices ZANY robot! Where do I wait in line??) , Brother Bear (no wonder Joaquin Phoenix retired from acting. That movie was as forgettable as my 2nd Baby Mama, whose name I cant remember right now. And I should cuz I write her a fucking check every month! Word to the wise, never drink heavily and go to Chuck E. Cheese. Two many babes. Too strong beer goggles), Home on the Range (More like Home on my nutsack), Chicken Little (The sky is falling! More like my brain is falling.....asleep. Get it? Cuz the movie was boring.) Meet the Robinsons (If the Robinsons in question were Craig Robinson's family (Craig Robinson plays Darryl on the Office and was easily the best part of "Zach and Miri make a Porno." Oh and I brought him to Wash U last year and he is hilarious and quite an awesome dude.) THEN AND ONLY THEN would I go see that movie) and Bolt (Bolt may be ok, but thats only because Pixar head John Lasseter was an executive producer and made sure that it was at least watchable.) Is there a single good movie in this group? No. Not a single one.

Disney artists should truly be embarrassed by the films they've produced this decade. Comparing them to PIXAR is like comparing England to America. England was balling for many centuries, dominating the world like no body's business. They had the strongest Navy and Army and were the premiere leaders in industrialization. Then some Englishmen moved to America under English jurisdiction. Their products were produced independently, but helped distributed around the world by the Mother Country, who also took much of their profits. Then, they became independent (although Pixar films are still marketed and distributed by Disney) and easily surpassed England to be the most balling country in the world. THEY became the leaders of the free world, balling and shot calling, even bailing Britain out in WWII when it was on the cusp of being destroyed (just like Pixar movies were basically bailing out Disney, giving it money makers and merchandise when all Disney had were those Pirate movies). Like that analogy? Can you think of a better one? COMMENT!

BACK TO REALITY: The only good thing Meet the Deedles brought to this world was Paul Walker, and thats being charitable. Paul Walker's a shitty actor, but he is nice to look at. Meet The Blacks starred retired Laker forward, and idiot dumb enough to cheat on ex-wife Vanessa Williams, Rick Fox, which automatically means it wasnt good, Meet Joe Black had a hot Brad Pitt and an even hotter Anthony Hopkins, but Claire Forlani just doesnt do it for me. I wont give Rodney Dangerfield any respect for Meet Wally Sparks, and Meet the Fockers didnt measure up to its predecessor (the truth is I just didnt think the stakes were high enough in that movie). There's a reason why you never heard of "Meet Bill" even though it starred Aaron "Twoface" Eckhart, Jessica Alba, Elizabeth Banks and Timothy Olymphant. It was bad.

Anyway, that's the proof. Movies that start with "Meet" are shitty. So for gosh sakes, just choose another title!!!


In other news, on imdb it says that Zach Braff just went on a trip to Israel and loved it so much and felt such a communal feeling that he is going to write a movie about an American Jew who visits Israel. Right on Zach! I used to love you, then I heard you were a douchebag, then I got bored with you, but now I like you again. Especially because this January, I'M Going to Israel for 6 months! So represent.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 35- How can Cedric Diggory be in a new movie?!

Life's been fairly hectic recently, what with Bat Boy: The Musical, Aziz Ansari coming to Wash U and a special enhanced KARL Show coming up, so again I apologize for not writing as much as I should. Lets jump right in:

I am now going to make a list of shows/movies you should start watching NOW:

1. Go see Role Models. It has Stifler playing Stifler, Paul Rudd playing himself, but wonderfully misanthropic (the adjective I've read in every single review of the film), and a hilarious 10 year old Black kid who I remember being hilarious on the short lived but still funny "The Tracy Morgan Show." This movie has some of the most hilarious dialogue since "40 yr old Virgin" and a heartwarming ending. Plus, you gotta love anything David Wain does.

2. Sunday Night Comedy on HBO
Sunday nights has turned into my favorite night of TV (only surpassing Thursdays because I dont watch TV any other night).
Entourage has been a little uneven, but at least its entertaining. I love it bcecause its about Hollywood, and well if you havent guessed it already, I am very into Hollywood. One thing about the show that is so unrealistic to me, is that Johnny Drama always dresses really stupidly, and then hits on girls with such golden lines as, "hey beautiful" and gets MAD PISSED when they dont respond. Johnny should know that just saying "hey beautiful" to a hot girl does not magically make them want to fuck you.
Summer Heights High is my new favorite comedy on TV. It is a mockumentary style show about an Australian Public School and it stars one guy who plays 3 characters: A gay/delusional Drama teacher (Reminiscent of Corky St. Clair), A 13 year old Bad Boy "islander" who is the most difficult student of all time, and a 15 year old Rich Bitch from a Private school who is doing a swap program with Summer Heights High. The actor/writer who plays all of these characters, Chris Lilley, is briliant and observent and hilarious. START WATCHING THIS SHOW!
The Life and Times of Tim is a show I had very low expectations for. I saw the internet shorts and I was not impressed, but this show consistently has me on the floor laughing. It is awkward and smart and the voices are just so perfectly expressive. The weird animation with lopsided eyes and minimal body movement reminds me of "Home Movies" or "Dr. Katz" but its better. The show in a nutshell is about this normal/mediocre guy named Tim who always means well but ends up doing stupid/offensive shit (to try and please other people) and then has to explain himself to his girlfriend or boss. Worth your time.

30 Rock-- Always just very very very clever. I am not a huge fan of guest stars (they used Oprah cleverly, but why should I care about Jennifer Aniston?), and the plots for the most part this season have not been wonderful, but the dialogue is so chocked full of clever lines (and if its one thing I value in comedy, its cleverness) that I could watch it every day. Lines like "Never follow a hippie to a second location" and "Liz: Why are you wearing a tux? Jack: It's after 6 o'clock Lemon. What am I, a farmer? make 30Rock a very valued show.

The Lakers-Almost every game (DAMN YOU DETROIT!) has been poetic basketball. I just wish it were April already!

Day 34- Gimme Gimmme More, Gimme More, Gimme Gimme More

I'm truly sorry I have not been posting as often as I should. I have been so busy lately so please forgive me!!!!

One of the reasons I was busy is because this past weekend I was in Chicago watching a lot of improv. Some highlights include:

• Lyndsay Hailey of the Deltones
• Watching "Radical Concept Improv"

Lyndsay Hailey is a cast performer in the Deltones, which is a musical-improv team at Improv Olympic. She has been a cast member there for at least a year (cause I saw her there last year) and she is one of the most phenomenally talented, hilarious improvisers I have ever seen. Mark my words, she will get on MadTV or SNL one day and be the next Kristen Wiig. She is also extremely gorgeous. So if you ever go to Chicago, see her shows. And if you are a talent scout or manager, I'd sign her right away!!

Radical Concept Improv is a show at IO on Saturday nights at Midnight where teams do improv in weird ways. This past week, 15 improvisers performed long form improv as senior citizens from Shady Maples Retirement Home. It was HILARIOUS. They were so committed and stayed in character the entire time. One of the highlights was one performer, the incomporable Peter Robbards (KARL and Suspicious of Whistler Alumn), who was in a wheelchair and kept being pushed into scenes, forcing him to justify his presence. Good fun.

If you are ever in Chicago--check out these two shows!

OK--now that that's out of the way I have something to say.
Rarely do external factors (ie. movies, television, the news) severely effect my mood. If I see a sad movie, it might stay with me for a little while immediately afterwards, and then dissipate. If I see a funny episode of the Office, chances are I wont be thinking about it the next day. Only 2 external factors that I have no control over really effect my moods and give me trouble sleeping:
1- The Lakers
2- Harry Potter books.
When something happens with the Lakers, whether a win, a loss, a trade rumor, a free agency looming etc, I cant stop thinking about it. The night Shaq was traded to Miami, I remember I was in Israel. I found out about it the night before I was supposed to wake up at 3 AM to take 2 hour bus ride to hike up to Masada. As tired as I was, I did not sleep the ENTIRE NIGHT. Not in my bed, not on the bus, not on the bus ride back, not in the afternoon, not the ENTIRE DAY. At every hour, all I was thinking about were the implications of this trade: Who is going to start? Is Kobe going to leave too? Is Brian Grant worth $55 million dollars? Is he worth more dead or alive? Why didnt we at least get D-Wade? What is Shaq going to do in Miami? Is Lamar Odom going to come back to LA and immediately start smoking weed again? Is he going to sell weed to the whole team? Are the entire Lakers going to be stoned on opening day? (PS. To this day, that picture still makes me want to cry)
Last year, when Kobe said he wanted to be traded during training camp-my heart was about to explode. No joke. I couldnt concentrate on my homework, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat. All I could do was check ESPN.com every 10 seconds for an update. In the immortal words of Charlie Brown---AAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

When I read a Harry Potter book for the first time, I cant sleep because the book is so damn engrossing. If I am forced to put it down for say a meal, or a bathroom break, I cannot think about anything else. What's Harry going to do? Does Hermione really like that Victor Krum? Does Dumbledore really know what's up? Are there such things as wizards condoms? Thats why I now read Harry Potter books all in one sitting.

ANYWAY--THE POINT IS THIS.

I can now add one more thing to this list. MAD MEN. The 2008 Emmy Award Winner for Best Drama and Best Writing. That show is so damn engrossing, fascinating, and thought prevoking that I simply cannot get through my day without thinking about it at least fifteen times. I IMPLORE YOU to start watching this show. I swear on Mark Wahlberg's mother that it will be the best decision you will ever make.

Since this blog is supposed to be about nonsense, and not neccessarily movie/TV reviews, I will invite readers who want to increase their understanding of MAD MEN and other great shows to check out www.MEDIAMAVENMUSINGS.COM. This website is informative, well-written and really helps expand your knowledge and comprehension of quality entertainment.

LAST NOTE ON THE BLOG TODAY:
Whatever happened to Brittany Murphy? She had a quality career as a teenage appearing on several TV shows including Sister, Sister, Almost Home (oh Chuckie Lee Torkelson, how you do amuse me and dare I say...the world), Blossom, Party of Five etc. Then she successfully made the transition into movies with her immortal role as Taj in "Clueless" (1995). After some small roles she broke out again in "Dont Say A Word," (2001) giving her her own catchphrase, "ILL NEVER TELLLL" and MTV Movie Award. She was a young star on the rise. She got starring roles in "8 Mile" (lose yourself in the music....) and "Just Married" (co-starring her boyfriend, a young punk named Kutch). She even got top billing the films "Uptown Girls" (not as good as the song) and "Little Black Book" which came out in 2004 (and for which she got paid $4 Million for! That's a lot for a woman in Hollywood whos not Cameron, Reese or Julia).

Then she all but dissapeared. She had a small role in "Sin City" and "The Groomsmen" (good ol' Eddie Burns), but now--POOF. Gone. She even was supposed to be the voice of Tinkerbell in the new Disney straight to DVD movie, Tinkerbell. But she lost that role to---you'll never guess---MAE WHITMAN (better known as ANN VEAL from ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT). I know what you're thinking--Her? YES. Her.

She's doing some small projects now, but what gives? I know she's had some trouble with her boyfriends/finances in the past, but what happened to her career? She had so much promise. She was attractive (Made lots of "Sexiest Women Alive" lists in her heyday), spunky, creepy, white trash and girl next door. She could sing, and women seemed to really like her. Those movies she headlined also didnt do particularly poorly at the Box Office. Did Hollywood decide that she just wasnt bankable? I dont have an answer, other than to say that her agent must really suck. Sorry Brittany. I dont particularly care for you, but I hope you find your career again. If Kate Hudson can keep making shitty chick flicks (Fool's Gold, My Best Friend's Girl, Raising Helen) then why cant you?

Until Tomorrow--

Day 33- My name is Sarah Palin and I want to give a shout out to all my girls from WASILLA! You guys rock! GO TRL! CARSON I LOVE YOU!

I was watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on TV the other day and it occurred to me: there are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who read the books and see the movies thinking, "I wanna be Harry Potter! He's so brave!" "I want to be Ron Weasley, or George or Fred! (well maybe not Fred...)" "I want to be Hermione! She's smart and beautiful and she kicks ass!"

These children are stupid! Why would you want to be Harry Potter! Why would you want to have the baggage of the entire wizarding universe on your shoulders? Why would you want to constantly be afraid that everyone you know is going to die? Why would you want a direct connection to the dark lord? And for that matter, why would you want to be Ron or Hermione, or anyone remotely connected to Harry Potter?! Why would you want to constantly be afraid that because you're friends with the boy who lived, the most powerfully evil wizard to ever walk the Earth us going to KILL YOU? Why would you want all of that resting on your shoulders as a 15 year old? It doesnt make sense.

You know who I want to be? A wizard kid. Thats it. Like Dean Thomas who does color commentary (no pun intended) for the Quidditch games. Or one of those kids on the left. I want to be just a normal kid who happens to be a wizard, and goes to Hogwarts and does cool magic. I want my biggest worry to be about my O.W.L.S, not "HOW DO I SAVE THE ENTIRE WIZARDING COMMUNITY and DEFEAT THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD OF ALL TIME with ONLY 6 YEARS OF PRACTICE?!" I want to be one of the wizard kids in the background, hanging out in the school yard while Harry and Hermione discuss how to break into the Ministry of Magic. I want to cry about Cedric Diggory, and then MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. You know what I would do? I would stay the FUCK AWAY from Harry Potter! That's what I would do.

You might be saying: Yeah, but Harry and Ron and Hermione are the closest friends ever! Dont you want that kind of friendship?

Eh. I'm sure there are cool guys to hang out with at Hogwarts who dont carry around more baggage than Paris Hilton's butler (the joke is that she has a lot of clothes which she has to carry in many suitcases). And the truth is, if I didnt have many friends in the wizarding world, I'm sure there are some Muggles who would want to get to know the kid who can conjure up charm spells that can make them look old enough to buy alcohol. And when its all said and done, JK implies that Harry works in the Ministry of Magic. If I really wanted to I could get a job there too! Only when I worked there, I wouldnt be haunted by memories of my parents, godfather, friends and teachers getting murdered. In conclusion, why be Harry when you can be Duncan Inglebee – Ravenclaw's Quidditch Beater whose most significant school memory was getting a hummer from Lisa Turpin in the Room of Requirement right after the Yule Ball in my 4th year. Oh yea, and I'd have my parents.


IN OTHER NEWS:

1- Remember a while ago I wrote about Tim Matheson and Rob Lowe being the same person? Well this week on Entourage, Tim Matheson played a Hollywood Studio Exec. You know who played an agent--a similarly powerful Hollywood player? ROB LOWE in Thank You for Smoking! Give Rob 15 years and he too can be on Entourage playing an Exec.

Thats another funny thought---Entourage in 15 years! What's Turtle like in 15 years? How fat can that motherfucker get? He's probably still smoking weed. And Drama? What's that dude doing in his 50s? I have no idea. Not acting, thats for sure. Vince--it depends how gracefully he ages. He probably can still act--hopefully be more of a Richard Gere. TruthfullyI doubt it though. He's probably gone back to Mexico. Ari's probably an executive at this point, the stress being too much for an agent. The only one in the "crew" who's actually going to be still going strong--E.

2- I was in the bathroom today watching an episode of The Sarah Silverman Program on my iPod and guess who I saw? JON "DON DRAPER" HAMM! He was on for 6 seconds playing a CABLE GUY installing cable for Sarah! He asks her for a kiss and she rejects it! Idiot!

I also just read an article about him that said that he grew up in ST LOUIS (right around Wash U woo woo!) and in college, besides acting all he was thinking about was getting hammered and laid. Wow Jon. You're awesome. It also said he used to work on soft core porn sets doing set dressing.
Wow Jon. Not so awesome.

Until Tomorrow---