Day 27- No disrespect to to Lord Byren or Edgar Allen Poe, but I dont believe there is such a thing as a romantic period- BJ Novak

Hey Readers, (Clippy: IT SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE WRITING A LETTER! DO YOU WANT SOME HELP WITH THAT)

Sorry it has been so long since I've last posted. I've been really busy with pre-school school (Maybe not the best way to phrase it). I was staffing an orientation for freshman, doing improv shows, and organizing BJ Novak's show at Wash U. In case you are wondering, the show was HUMONGOUS success. We had between 3-4,000 people (more than half the school) and everyone had an awesome time.

But enough with the excuses. I need to get back to what's really important. What you all care about. Good ol' fashioned Hollywood nonsense. So, without further ado, here it is:

What has happened to "The Frat Pack?" For those of you who dont know, the Frat Pack is the group of comedians- Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Steve Carrell, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson and Jack Black that often appear in each other's movies and used to mean a big box office opening no matter what time of year it was. Now I know you're saying, "but these guys are still huge stars who can all open their own movies!" But the truth is, that none of these guys (save for this summer's "Get Smart" and last year's "Night at the Museum") have really had a BIG hit since 2006. In fact, the "friends" of the frat pack, most of the members of Team Apatow, are the ones making the big bucks. I have come up with several reasons for this:

1. The Frat Pack are making less movies because studios arent greenlighting them. In general, studios are more cautious than not, so as a high powered studio exec (say...Amy Pascal of Columbia Pictures), would you rather invest $80 million, $20 million of those dollars going to Vince Vaughn, in a big budget movie, after Fred Claus made $50 million and was considered a flop, or would you rather spend $28-$35 million on Seth Rogen's new buddy comedy or Jason Segal's break-up comedy, or Judd Apatow's baby comedy that will most definitely make more than $35 million, and therefore, will make a profit.

2. Audiences have gotten sick of seeing guys like Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller do their normal shtick. No one saw Semi-Pro or The Heartbreak Kid because they have seen those movies before. Or at least, they had seen those characters before. Jackie Moon is just Ricky Bobby + Chazz Michael Michaels + Ron Burgandy, and Ben Stiller's character in Heartbreak Kid was Gaylord Focker + Ruben Feffer (Along Came Polly) + Ted Stroehmann (Something About Mary). Step Brothers made money because it was (well hilarious!) and was at least a little stretch in that Will wasnt playing sports and didnt have a ridiculous haircut/facial hair. Tropic Thunder is working (not as much money as they hoped but still #1 two weeks in a row) because of how original it is. If these guys want to keep working, they've got to keep stretching themselves.

3. Women love Apatow movies. Apatow movies are all about relationships. They have the stuff that guys want (hilarious moments, quotable lines, dirty words, sex) and a lot of the stuff women want (relateable characters, heartwarming moments, semi-romantic stuff). Judd makes movies that guys AND girls like to watch. Why make another "You Me and Dupree" with big name actors (KATE HUDSON! MATT DILLON!) when you can make an actual love triangle movie (Mila Kunis? Jason Segal?) with smaller name actors with smaller paychecks, that people will go to see because of the positive critical acclaim and because of word of mouth.

4. Since they've gotten big, members of the Pack havent starred opposite each other (save for Tropic Thunder). People like seeing Vince Vaughn with Owen Wilson and Will Ferrell, not with Jennifer Aniston or Paul Giamatti. The movies that do well are the ones that star at least 2 of the major members of the Pack.

A couple of things I want to note about "The Frat Pack."

1. Luke Wilson should not be in it. He is in it because of Old School, and because he appeared in Anchorman, but the dude is not funny, does not make good good movies, and is not liked by men. He should be replaced by Paul Rudd because Paul Rudd is awesome and does a lot more Frat Pack stuff.

2. Steve Carrell hasnt really done a "frat pack" comedy since Anchorman. He doesnt do cameos anymore (the one from Knocked Up not withstanding) and therefore I feel like he may have left the group. But I guess only time will tell.

I have always been a fan of The Frat-Pack and actually check the excellent website www.the-frat-pack.com at least once a day so this rant is not anger inspired but rather it is constructive criticism. Here is what I have to say to each member of The Frat Pack:

Ben- I hope you continue to do smart, satirical comedy like Tropic Thunder more than family friendly fodder like "Night at the Museum 2." And you do have lots of pull in Hollywood and your own production company (GO RED HOUR FILMS! I worked there Summer 06!) so I'm sure you can find a balance between the two.

Will- As much as Step Brothers didnt have a plot or deep characters, it was fucking hilarious at parts and I like that. I hope you continue to write your own stuff and find interesting, hilarious, ridiculous shit to do.

Owen--Well you stopped making movies for a while after your suicide attempt, and I hope you are doing better, but I dont think the public will look at your carefree, silly on-stage persona the same again. We'll see how your next movie, starring Jennifer Aniston, goes. Its called "Marley and Me."

Vince- Well, your Wild West Comedy Tour bombed too, so maybe your name isnt as powerful as people think it is. However, you do have another big Christmas movie coming out, co-starring super-star Reese Witherspoon, so I'm sure that will do well and you'll get back on the horse.

Steve- You're doing just fine. But try and do more Apatow and less family stuff. Oh and NEVER LEAVE "THE OFFICE."

Jack- You also are doing just fine. I'm quite looking forward to "Year One" co-starring Michael Cera, David Cross, McLovin and Hank Azaria and directed by Harold Ramis and produced by Mr. Apatow. Keep making the good career choices, balancing smaller, more serious pieces ("Margot at the Wedding") with funny kid stuff ("Kung Fu Panda"). I just hope School of Rock 2 is going to be good....

Luke: The Wrong Brother tried to commit suicide. Stop making movies. No one likes you.

FINALLY- On a "Frat Pack" note, does Elizabeth Banks have to play to girlfriend to every single member of the Frat-Pack and its friends at one point? Lets she, she dated Michael Showalter (not a friend, but a comedian who is connected to the Frat by Paul Rudd) in "The Baxter," she "hooked up" with Carrell in the 40 Year Old Virgin (Do you like to do it yourself?), she played David Wain (connected thru Rudd)'s girlfriend in his internet shorts, "Wainy Days," she played Vince Vaughn's in Fred Claus, Paul Rudd's in the upcoming "Role Models" (which BTW looks FREAKING HILARIOUS!), and Seth Rogen's in the upcoming (no pun intended) Zach and Miri Make a Porno. Seriously, as much as I like her, its getting weird.

It's good to be back everyone.

Until Tomorrow---

PS. Here's one more hilarious BJ Novak joke: "Her body was like poetry. It bored me."

Day 26- If farting was an Olympic sport, I'd win the silver. My sister Rena would win the gold

I've mentioned before what ridiculous it is when certain things are considered "news" on imdb. Well, these two take the cake:

Penn Fooled By Spider-man Star's Fake Penis

Movie star Sean Penn felt sure his onscreen gay lover in new biopic Milk was a big boy - because James Franco wore a prosthetic penis for naked scenes.

Funny? Yes. News? NO!

Also----

Sutherland's Prison Soap Fear

Actor Kiefer Sutherland went without soap during his jail stint last Christmas - after dropping the bar in the communal showers.

Sutherland has now broken his silence about his time behind bars, joking, "I dropped the soap!"

He continues: "I actually dropped the soap. I remember looking down at it and then I looked around and thought: 'Soap is over-rated... I'm done with this shower!'"

This is just sacrilegious. Jack Bauer does not and will not ever drop the soap. Not now. Not ever. You know why? Because he's too busy beating down terrorists who are living next door to me and are trying to kill me, my family, and our entire way of life.

But lets be hypothetical here for a moment. If Jack Bauer was in prison, it would be because he went undercover. If he went into a shower and really dropped the soap, it would be on purpose. When the imprisoned terrorist that Jack had be assigned to shadow, came to butt fuck him, Jack would quickly turn around, grab the terrorists's dick, throw up a knife that he had swallowed earlier, and then with the fat terrorist dick in his right hand and the knife in his left, threaten to chop off that fucking terrorist's dick unless the terrorist told him where the detonater was. That is what would happen if Jack Bauer was in a prison shower.

They once named a street in Los Angeles after Jack Bauer but they had to close it down because people kept dying. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

ETHAN'S TV UPDATE:

WATCH THE SHOW "MAD MEN." I am just finishing the first season and it is unbelievable. The writing is brilliant, the plots are fascinating, the acting is superb (Jon Hamm is getting an Emmy for best actor) and the sex is well...sexy. Plus, the show, which takes place in 1960, is factually accurate and therefore even more interesting. Also, because it is the 60s, in every scene, at least two characters are drinking and/or smoking, occassionaly in front of children. What's more to like? Oh, and it has, besides "The Office," the best theme music and the coolest titles sequence on television

If you like the show "Weeds" or you are into graphic television sex, watch last week's episode (Ep. 8) if only for two of the most graphic sex scenes I've ever seen on television. I dont know how old Mary Louise Parker is, but she is scorchingly hot...and naked. And the Milf that Silas (the least interesting character on the show) is doing is....well lets just say if she was the president of the PTA, I would come to every single meeting on time. Or if she were baking a cake, I would want to be the spoon that she sticks into her vagina.

Lastly, I'm taking a poll. Are Joan Allen and Diane Lane the same actress? Or is Joan Allen closer to Laura Linney? All 3 of these actresses have played secret government employees (Joan Allen- Bourne Idenitiy, Diane Lane- Untraceable, Laura Linney- Breach) They all could play moms over 40 who are sexually frustrated. (Joan Allen-Pleasantville, The Upside of Anger, Diane Lane-Unfaithful, Laura Linney- The Squid and the Whale). But Diane Lane does more romances (Must Love Dogs, Under the Tuscan Sun) while Joan Allen does more random stuff (Death Race and The Notebook?) and Laura Linney does serious character pieces (The Savages, John Adams). Yet, when I think of these actresses, I put them in the same category. Maybe Diane Lane, because she is the hottest, does more commercial fare, while Laura Linney takes all the real good work (minus of course, "Man of the Year") and Joan Allen is the most manly and takes what she can get.

What do you think? Any other actresses who fit in this category?

Until Tomorrow--

Day 25- There is a fine line between glittering and littering...think about it.

In case you didn't realize this before: The Oscars are bullshit. Not all of it. But most of it. Like everything in Hollywood, it is a money-making device to get people to see more movies. Oscars also, in case you didnt know, arent won by actors who's performances were unbelievable and truly the best of the year, but rather they are given to actors who have the right combination of star power, sympathy, a good back story, and a certain type of performance. Mostly, a performance considered "brave" which basically means that that either an actor portrayed someone that no one likes (Aileen Wuornos, Indi Amin) but made the audience a little more compassionate about that character OR that an actor played someone that EVERYBODY likes (Ray Charles, Ghandi), and did it in a way that was "faithful" and "captured even that person's slightest nuances." You also have to do the right amount of press (For "Gangs of New York," Martin Scorsese went nuts, appearing on everything, while for "The Departed," he only did a few things. The ol' less is more attitude and his "humbleness" helped him score his first victory.) Also of course, you are guaranteed an Oscar if you ugly yourself up either physically (something I've touched on in a previous post), or mentally, that is, if you play someone a little mentally challenged.

The Oscars are kind of a large topic to handle in one post, so I will just handle one part in this one. Namely, Oscar winning performances when, looked back on, were not that good. These performers won their Oscar because of other factors.

2008- Tilda Swinton for "Michael Clayton." Now while I loved this movie, and while I loved her performance in it, I didnt think it was necessarily Oscar worthy (or should I say, award worthy). I think the performance was subtle, contained, and very truthful. The fear she showed, while trying to remain in control was definitely great acting, but it wasnt a performance where, five years down the line, you would say, "wow, she should have won an Oscar for that!" However, she won because the Academy wanted to give Michael Clayton an Oscar, but didnt feel it could give it an Oscar for anything else. With Juno a lock for best screenplay, Daniel-Day Lewis a lock for best actor, Javier Bardem a lock for best supporting actor, and the Coen Brothers a lock for best directors and movie, this was the only category where it could win. The other performers were just as good if not better and some had even more complex characters. Even though I dont think she deserved an Oscar, Ruby Dee's performance in "American Gangster" was crazy good. Can you imagine what it would be like to slap Denzel Washington across the face!? And at that point in the movie, with Denzel's character at the height of his power! Hot Damn that was a intense scene!

2007- Alan Arkin was awesome. Who knew a heroin addict could be so lovable? I didnt, and now I do. But you know who else was just so unbelievable--Eddie Murphy in "Dreamgirls." It was the role of his career, combining his electric performing skills, with his trademark fast talking, narcissism, BUT to this he added a sadness and vulnerability that, when I saw for the first time, made me swell up inside with pity and sympathy. As douche as this guy was at his prime, you still loved him, and then felt bad for him during his demise. You know why Eddie didnt win? Because he is an asshole that too many people in Hollywood dont like. He is difficult to work with, doesnt even do press for his own movies, and has an ego the size of my dick (HUGE). Alan Arkin on the other hand, is old, has always done good work, and people felt that he was really due. That's why he won.

Jennifer Hudson. Oh Jennifer Jennifer. You sang "And I am Telling You" with so much power, and emotion and energy and oomph. You really sang from your heart. But it is the ROLE and your back story as an American Idol reject that won you the Oscar. The role of Effie White is a role that is so meaty and complicated that any decent actress with a good voice would be able to pull it off effectively. Look at the others nominated that year in that category: Cate Blanchett, those two foreigners from Babel, and Abigail Breslin. Alright Abigail didnt deserve it as cute as she was, the two foreigners did not have enough star power or sympathy. No one knew who they were! And well, that leaves Cate Blanchett. I still remember the camera panning her face when she lost. In her head she must have been thinking, "I just lost an Oscar to a girl who's only previous acting experience had been on a Disney cruise ship!" Cate Blanchett should never lose an Oscar to someone who acted on a cruise ship. Never. Plus, her role in "Notes on a Scandal" was far more complex, even if it wasnt as "feel good."

*Sidenote. I saw Jennifer Hudson at a Best Buy in the spring, shopping around, looking at the promotional stuff for the Dreamgirls DVD. Oscar winners dont look at themselves on DVD covers. As a sidenote to that sidenote, I saw Chi McBride (from Boston Public, Undercover Brother, Pushing Daisies etc.) at Best Buy that SAME trip. What are the odds?

2006- I like Reese Witherspoon a lot. I think shes a phenomenal actress and that she deserves an Oscar. Just not for "Walk the Line." What was her role in that movie? Look cute, in love, upset that shes in love, strong, caring and then vulnerable. Thats about it. Oh, and she actually sang. This is one of those times when the other competitors just fell a little short, and Reese is just so damn cute that everyone wanted to vote for her. North Country (Charlize Theron's movie) wasnt that good, no one saw "Mrs Henderson Presents" (starring Judi Dench) or "TransAmerica" (starring Felicity Huffman, or one half of the Hollywood power couple Filliam H. Muffman) and Keira Knightley's performance, while good, wasnt "Oscar worthy." In 10 years someone will rent, "Walk the Line" at a thumb-print identification, 24-hour Blockbuster kiosk and say "Joaquin Phoenix was phenomenal. Reese was good too." That to me says it all.

2005-Morgan Freeman is the most beloved man in Hollywood as far as I can tell. Everyone loves him, respects him, wants to work with him, and loves his old black person dignity. The dude can also make a phone book sound like the Bible. Before 2005, Morgan had never won an Oscar. Hollywood had to change that. Especially if they were going to try and make America feel better for having had slavery for hundreds of years. But to be honest, his Million Dollar Baby performance, while "feel good" and emotional, was not, in my opinion as good as Clive Owen's in "Closer" (Watch him scream, "DID HE MAKE YOU CUM" to Julia Roberts and not get a little bit frightened) or even Thomas Hayden Church's "Sideways" performance. A lot of what the academy does is give people Oscars when they are "due." This is one of those times.

Now, Hollywood does make good decisions sometimes. Adrien Brody's win against heavyweights Jack Nicholson and Daniel Day Lewis was well deserved. Unfortunately Adrien Brody has not paid the Academy back since every other movie he has made since has been shitty.

I'm a little spent now. But I will share with you this information. About Daniel Day-Lewis. Did you know that during the period between The Last of the Mohicans and Gangs of New York, Daniel became a cobbler. The greatest actor alive stopped acting so he could make shoes for like 10 years. Crazy right!

Oh, and I liked Pineapple Express a lot, even though I felt like it switched its tone too much throughout. But, I didnt like it as much as Knocked Up or Superbad. Maybe some repeat viewings will change my mind...

BTW--ABOUT my post--Agree? Disagree? Post your thoughts!

Until Tomorrow--

Day 24- The One Where Ethan Gets a Hummer

I want to see a sequel to Step Brothers. But I dont want it to star Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly.

By the way, this is a great article about the different paths that John C. Reilly and Phillip Seymour Hoffman took:

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2008/07/john_c_reilly_or_philip_seymou.html

It also will be more like "Sister Sister" or "Twins" than "Step Brothers" because in my film, the two people will find out that they're actually brothers.

I want it to star Gary Busey and Nick Nolte (two actors who are pretty much the same; so much so that when you google "Gary Busey mug shot" the first 10 images are all pictures of Nick Nolte's mug shot). Gary Busey would "play" a homeless Vietnam war veteran who lives on a mattress in an alleyway behind a tittie bar and has constant delusions of when he watched his entire platoon die from an STD outbreak caused by some Vietnamese transvestite hookers. Nick Nolte would "play" another homeless Vietnam war veteran who lives in a dumpster behind an elementary school where he is constantly hassling the children to help him inject the "heroin" he buys from the school janitor with the "money" he gets from going to the "sperm bank" every Thursday. Of course since Nick Nolte's character is crazy, he really actually hassles children to help him inject the "apple juice" he buys from the school janitor with the "aluminum cans" he gets from going to the "the same corner tree he jacks off on at the Gregory Hines Memorial Park" every Thursday.

These two wonderful characters meet at a swap meet and get into a fight over who called dibs on the tail shaking Felix the Cat wall-hanging clock and then, after going to the hospital to clean up their cuts, find out that their DNA is strikingly similar. So similar, that they are actually TWINS.

It turned out that their parents had split up when they were little, and each took a son. But the parents felt so bad that they kept their children apart that they sent the two boys to the same summer camp every summer in the hopes that they would meet and become friends. However, the boys kept getting kicked out of their summer camp before they could meet. Shown in a flashback montage series we will see on the first year, a young Gary Busey getting kicked out of camp on the 3rd day for throwing his own feces at a girl counselor. Then a year later, on the 2nd day we see we a young Nick Nolte getting kicked out for dropping a water balloon filled with his own pubes on an entire bunk going on a "blindfolded trust walk." Then we see both of them in a split screen getting kicked out the same year on the first day for slapping their dicks on the faces of different members of the kitchen staff.

Then, after they leave the hospital, they pool their money together ($15.30--the $15 they got from pawning their purple hearts, and the .30 cents they got from stealing from a blind musician's tin cup) and head on a road trip to discover their roots and themselves.

I have a lot more ideas about this movie going through my head (Their disgraceful and horrifying interruption of a Civil War reenactment will definitely be funny) but I will share them with you another time. By the way, if anyone takes any of my ideas and steals them for their own purposes I will fucking kill you.

COOL PEOPLE I SAW IN LA LAST WEEK
1. Common--that dude is a cool rapper and the gun specialist in "Wanted." I saw him, bald head and all, with a lady friend, at Century City (a chic shopping mall with a movie theater). Earlier this summer, at Century City, I also saw that weird really rich foreign dude from Entourage (Yair Marx is the character's name) who wants to buy "Medellin" and lets Vince have sex with his wife.

2. Kurt Fuller- you of course do not recognize the name. But you will recognize the face. This dude was in Wayne's World as Rob Lowe's weenie assistant who helps the guys save the day, a billion TV show guest appearances, The Pursuit of Happyness (he played the nice guy who takes Will Smith and his son to a 49ers game), Ray (he plays a music executive), and played Karl Rove on the Comedy Central show "Thats My Bush." I saw him at the gym on a bicycle getting really sweaty. I'm glad he's staying in shape. He's a nice actor. I like him.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 23- Funny how I mentioned Clarissa Explains it All last post, because just today I saw Marshall Darling on "Mad Men"

Hi everyone. Today I am trying out something new. My good friend, who I have mentioned before as Daniel "I wish I were a Coen Brother" Arkin, although now who I will refer to as Daniel "If I could have dinner with two people living or dead they would be Keith Olberman and Jason Bateman" Arkin, is one of the people I respect and trust most when it comes to movies. That's him on the right. In fact, many of the topics I have written about here have come from our random conversations. For example, in ninth grade we came up with the David Paymer/Kevin Pollack connection. Yes, I was that big of a movie weirdo in ninth grade.

Anywhozelbees, I have offered him the opportunity to be a guest contributor to my blog and today he has taken me up that offer. As you will read, he also is a phenomenal writer. So here it is. Daniel's article:

What Is This Shit?: The Films of Paul Verhoeven

On a recent Saturday afternoon, I browsed the aisles of Taschen Books in Beverly Hills, a publishing house best known for turning out the second-most-expensive book in Western history: G.O.A.T., a 75-lb, $12,500 tome on the life and legacy of Muhammad Ali. Less imposing is Taschen’s series of books about important film directors – from giants like John Ford and Alfred Hitchcock to contemporary masters like Roman Polanski and Michael Mann. I spotted all those titles in the store, along with a suspicious little ditty dedicated to – you guessed it, folks – the films of Dutch director Paul Verhoeven. After an involuntary double-take that would make John Ritter smile from his cloud in heaven, I thumbed through the pages of that hardcover novelty in complete disbelief.

Really? Paul Verhoeven, the braintrust behind the Razzie-wining camp classic Showgirls? The sci-fi visionary who brought us the big-budget B-movie Starship Troopers? The man responsible for Sharon Stone’s infamous leg-cross in Basic Instinct? Yes, that fellow, an auteur for our trashy times – or, as Taschen calls him, the mind at the helm of some of the “most courageous and contentious films of recent years.”

If you say so. No doubt Verhoeven churns out a sleazy genre flick like the best of them (or the worst of them), but I don’t think his work merits a hardback tribute, flanked by curios about Fellini and Renoir. So I thought only a few weeks ago, before I spent an embarrassing slice of my summer break returning to some of the director’s most well-known cult favorites. Now, after that mini-retrospective, I definitely don’t think Verhoeven deserves a flashy coffee table book. But, hot damn, the guy can make a memorable movie! And I guess that’s worth something.

Without further ado, some thoughts on two of the most bizarre, brutal, and bombastic Verhoeven flicks out there:

Robocop (1987)

This dystopian action thriller stars Peter Weller (a.k.a. Jack Bauer’s nemesis Christopher Henderson) as the title character, a stern Detroit police officer gunned down in cold blood by a high-profile gang lead by one Clarence Boddicker (a.k.a., Topher Grace’s curmudgeonly father on That 70’s Show) Murphy’s dead body is swiftly appropriated by a venal techno-corporation as the “organic basis” for a metallic, indestructible crime fighter called … Get it?

There’s a scene early in the movie that sums up the visceral sucker-punch that is Robocop: in a penthouse boardroom, a throng of smarmy executives test out a giant robotic prototype called ED-209 (a hefty hunk of metal that looks like a mash-up of an AT-AT and Mr. Potato Head) on a meek junior executive. The results of the test-run are horrifically violent, shamelessly grotesque, wildly overblown, and darkly comic. The rest of the movie proceeds accordingly.

On the surface, Robocop is a fairly straightforward genre exercise with a few touches of wit and decidedly unsubtle satire. But a torrent of recent scholarship on Verhoeven’s work suggests that the movie may be something more – a rich allegory about corporate avarice; cultural glorification of hyper-violence, the decay of urban American life; Reaganomics, and its associated mid-80’s decadence (see character actor Miguel Ferrer snort coke off a glass tabletop, make out with two hookers and have a ticking bomb shoved in his mouth!) Take your pick, because there’s something for everyone. And oh, how could I forget: the plot is occasionally interrupted by a fake tongue-in-cheek newscast starring two vacuous “Tom Tucker/Diane Simmons” types, who winkingly comment on the action.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy re-watching Robocop, because in the end it’s an entertaining mess of loud noises and hammy weirdness capped off by an extremely violent, truly disgusting climax. The satire is coarse, the subtext is overexplicit, but Robocop is fun. Its crudeness forecasted the second stop on the Verhoeven tour, arguably the director’s most derided . . .

Showgirls (1995)

(ED. NOTE: You're welcome for the picture) Presumably looking to cast off the shackles of tweendom fame (courtesy of a starring role on Saved by the Bell!), Elizabeth “Jessie Spano” Berkeley signed onto this deliriously campy exploration of the Las Vegas underbelly in the role of Nomi Malone, a fast-food-loving exotic dancer with a dark history. But who really knows why – maybe she figured the role would propel her to stardom like Sharon Stone’s turn in our guy’s Basic Instinct only three years earlier. But whatever: the results are legendary in their own right.

You’ve probably seen the heavily edited cut of Showgirls on VH1, which frequently airs a truncated, neutered version of the profanity-laced, boob-laden NC-17 record-holder for most Razzie wins. The plot is true pulp fiction: Nomi shows up on the strip looking for a dancing gig in a casino nudey show; comes to blows with the reigning queen of the revue, vindictive bisexual/attempted murderer Cristol Connors (played by Gina Gershon, who’s been in the tabloid news lately for her alleged affair with Bill Clinton); seduces Kyle MacLachlan in a unintentionally hilarious hot tub sequence; and traipses around naked with a lot of other naked people.

Showgirls has inspired college drinking games (Author Naomi Klein reports that “trendy twenty-somethings were throwing Showgirls irony parties, laughing sardonically at the implausibly poor screenplay and shrieking with horror at the aerobic sexual encounters”), numerous YouTube parodies, a deluxe “VIP edition” DVD for the true pervert, and the ardent devotion of midnight-showing enthusiasts. The movie remains one of the top 20 highest grossing home video releases in the MGM catalogue, which means a bunch of James Bond titles aren’t really that popular.

Like Robocop, Showgirls has also inspired a healthy stream of academic criticism, with many scholars and some critics praising the film for its self-reflexive look at American movie sleaziness, bold investigation of modern eroticism, and good-natured satire of showbiz nihilism. I’m willing to grant that Robocop has its moments of legitimate satire and even some philosophical seriousness, but Showgirls is all sex and snuff – it’s an exercise in hedonism from the same screenwriter who penned Basic Instinct, a far less contentious but comparably sleazy throwaway movie that doesn’t have all that academic pomp and circumstance attached to its legacy.

So, to sum up: Showgirls is bad . . . just not nearly as bad as you’re lead to believe.

That concludes my little Verhoeven piece. Thanks to Ethan for letting me take up real estate on this here blog. If there’s demand I might be back with more . . . I didn’t even get to Neil Patrick Harris’ supporting role as a fascist alien-fighter in Starship Troopers!

-Daniel Arkin

Wow right? Daniel really knows his stuff. And he has a great vocabulary. He makes the New Yorker's David Denby sound like Gene Shalit. And in case you were wondering, yes he is related to Little Miss Sunshine's Alan Arkin. And no, he has never met him.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 22- My dad once told me that if I was going to be a superhero, I'd be "Media Lad."

Poor Melissa Joan Hart. If "Clarissa Explains it All" had come out 15 years later she would be the biggest thing on the planet! The way celebrities, especially child celebrities, get exposure nowadays, the "system" would have given her a record contract in the show's 2nd season, they would have released Clarissa fashion line, Clarissa jewelry, Clarissa bed sheets, backpacks, lunch boxes, contraceptive devices etc. Especially since Clarissa's character had a very unique style of dress; the grungy-tomboy-funk-denim-neon look. They probably would have even had Clarissa voice boxes where you could press a button and hear the "Sam slamming his ladder against Clarissa's window guitar twang." The only Clarissa merchandise I can think of was the Clarissa Explains it All Board Game, but in those days (unlike now) everything had a board game. I think I played a Full House board game, an Are You Afraid of the Dark board game (with pictures of Elisha Cuthbert that I would have abused back then had I known the awesome secrets of my own male anatomy) and even an Secret World of Alex Mack board game. SNICK ruled.

Side note--How come we dont play board games anymore and everything has to be a DVD board game? And dont say, "video games" because we had those back then too and we still had time to throw down the "Jesse and the Rippers Card" and go ahead three spaces. Some of my favorite memories as a child was playing "Life." When you played that game, the best career was clearly the policeman because whenever someone spun a 10 you got like 5 grand. I cant remember a time when I didnt at least try and cheat to get that career.

BACK TO BUSINESS- Clarissa was the original Lizzie McGuire. With her fantasy sequences, wacky family, good male friend, annoying younger brother, and unique perspective on Middle School/High School, she really set the precedent for all future tweenager shows. Think about it. She even had the token ethnic girl friend. That show was quality. Pure quality.

Anyway lets talk about movies I like that I dont think anyone else does.

1. The Power Rangers Movie. I could watch that movie over and over again, and not just to be nostalgic, but to actually watch the sky-diving to Red Hot Chilli Peppers music, the combat scenes of the rangers fighting the ooze guys in the construction site to a song with the lyrics, "action boy now, action girl now," and to feel the palpable sexual tension between Tommy and Kimberly. I also love watching the rangers get new zords and the power of the ninjetti, and seeing Zordon get brought back to life from Kimberley's tears. In terms of adapting a television show to a movie--what more could you want? New villain, new zords, a much bigger budget, higher stakes! The whole movie makes me very very happy.

2. Josie and the Pussycats- No one likes this movie and I think its great. It's very funny AND it has something to say about MTV/Consumer culture/Corporations control everything. I like the look of the movie too, with ads placed in the movie as an ironic jab at the whole movie's anti-advertising message. The music is great, Parker Posey's dialogue and awkwardness were perfect and the whole opening scene with the band, "Du Jour" starring Seth Green, Donald Faison, Brecking Meyer etc is gut-busting. The whole, "stop doing my face" "du jour means teamwork, du jour means seatbelts" exchange is inspired. I give it two thumbs up.

3. Mystery Men. Now maybe people like this movie, but I dont think many people saw it. I think the Blue Raja is very funny, as is Dane Cook's Waffler, as is Kel Mitchell's invisible man, as is the banter between Ben Stiller and Jeneane Garofolo, as is Geoffrey Rush's pinkie finger nail attack, as is Eddie Izzard's disco assassin. The whole movie in my mind is very funny and unique and clever and cool. Mr. Furious is a hero and yes, getting super angry is a power.

4. Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny. I love Tenacious D. From the first time I heard the song "Fuck Her Gently" when I was in 8th grade and Jack Black wasnt that famous, I was in awe. I liked them so much that my dad even started looking them up and one day asked me what a "Cleveland Steamer" was. No one I know (except for Mike Lefemine) saw this movie in theaters. I dont get it. People love Jack Black and most people love Tenacious D. I guess his fan base though isnt one to get off their couches and see the movie. I do admit the movie isnt perfect, and does have some slow moments, but the music is great, especially the grand finale song versus Satan, and for the most part the situations they get it are very very funny. Tim Robbins' and Amy Poehler's cameos are also very clutch. I enjoy this movie with or without herbal supplements and that is saying a lot.

In terms of Hollywood send up movies that I dont think did very well at the box office:


1. Bowfinger- Steve Martin is a genius. For those who dont know, this picture is about a delusional, unsuccessful director trying to make a movie called "Chubby Rain" starring international action star, KIT Ramsey (played by Eddie Murphy who is actually very funny in this). The only problem is he cant get KIT to be in it, so they try and film the movie with him, but without him knowing that he is in it. This film has a great cast filled with the likes of Christine Baranski, Heather Graham (really fucking hot in this movie), Robert Downey Jr, Terrence Stamp as the leader of a Scientology skewing cult called, "Mindhead," and more make this picture a must see for anyone who likes laughing at Hollywood and for anyone who likes Steve Martin's silly, ridiculous, yet intellectual sense of humor.*

2. Big Fat Liar- Not as good as Bowfinger but Paul Giamatti delivers a hilarious performance as a studio exec who steals Frankie Muniz's story and makes it into a movie. Amanda Bynes is great in this too, and so is...one of my favs...Donald Faison. I liked this when it came out and I like it now.

I have more, but I am going to save them for later.

Until Tomorrow--

*Ed Note: When writing this paragraph originally I was going to include that it was directed by Frank Oz, the voice of Yoda, Fozzie Bear etc (as Stephi Blank brilliantly pointed out in her comments) however I thought that that the fact that the director is a voice over god would detract from my point that this is a great movie. But after further thought--Frank Oz is an awesome director and the fact that he is the voice of Grover makes him cooler. The movies he has directed (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, What About Bob, In and Out etc) have mostly been excellent. So yea. Go Frank Oz!

Day 21-Stormtrooper Elvis? Really?

Hey loyal readers. I'm soooo sorry I have been away for so long. This past week was pretty busy and this weekend was jam-packed. Jam-packed with what you say? Well, on Saturday and Sunday I attended the Mecca for geeks. The Holy of Holies for nerds. The Shrine of the Silver Monkey for dorks. Yes. I ATTENDED COMIC-CON. I was one of 125,000 people there to see all the celebrity chocked filled Panel discussions, Q + As, Exhibits, and much much more. I have a shit ton of pictures on facebook which I highly recommend viewing as they have very funny captions and are for the most part, interesting if not exhilarating.

Let me start by saying the weekend was crazy. Insane. I have never seen so many costumes, gross wispy mustaches and back hair in my life. There were weirdos, hot girls in leather, children, grandparents, grandparents in leather and much much more. The way it is set up, there is a giant exhibition hall with all of the booths and stations for every comic book publisher, movie studio, TV network etc. There are also "artists alleys" where comic artists will draw whatever you want and sell it to you for $25 and a handy (minus the handy). Upstairs there are conference rooms were all the panels are held, and all the lines are formed. Downstairs there are the HUGE halls where panels for movies like "The Mummy 3" and "Pineapple Express" are held. There are also giant rooms to play Magic: The Gathering, Pokemon, Yugio etc AND halls that are filled with societies that try and get you to join such as "Star Wars Rebel Fleet Society of San Yisidro" and "Middle Earth Trekkies of Fullerton." There are even artists that will sit and discuss your portfolio with you and talk about what you should work on as an artist.

Now that you have a scope of what Comic-Con is, I will discuss some of the highlights.

1. Seeing storm troopers taking a shit in the bathroom. I walked in and saw one, mask on, coming out of a stall. A little surreal.

2. Hearing Billy West having a conversation between Fry, Professor and Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama. That guy is unbelievable. Also hearing Doug Funnie AND Roger Klotz come out of his mouth brought tears to my eyes.

3. Hearing the guy who does the voice of OLMEC from Legends of the Hidden Temple!

4. Watching Joan Allen talk about why she signed on to the movie Death Race. Surprisingly, she omitted the fact that she was going to be paid enough money to buy 2 new houses in Bermuda.

5. Hearing Jason Statham talk. That dude is just too cool for school.

6. A little girl asked Justin Long in the HUGE auditorium, "do you...umm...actually own a Mac?" He laughed and said he did. Somewhere, Steve Jobs was wiping his brow.

7. Whilst sitting down in the huge auditorium where movies were being discussed, I saw Aziz Ansari from Human Giant walk in front of me. I didnt know why he was there. But then during the "Pineapple Express" session, all of the Human Giant guys lined up for questions. Paul Scheer (the bald one) asked first: "Um...first off, I'm so nervous my butt is so sweaty right now. Um...I saw Frank Miller here. Do you um....know Frank Miller?" Judd responds--No, sorry. Seth Rogen is laughing. Paul: Um...do you know how I can get in contact with Frank Miller. I think he is so coool!" Then Rob Schrab (host of MILF Island) gets up and says, "Hi, I'm also sooo nervous right now. My butt is like, so sweaty. Umm....so Frank Miller is a genius..." and then went on and on to talk about Frank Miller. Finally, Aziz went up and said, "Hi, I'm like soo nervous, my dick is so sweaty and hard right now" and then asked some more funny questions.
Take my word for it, Human Giant is hilarious. If you've never seen anything they've done, go to FunnyorDie or youtube and look them up. I especially love the one with Will Arnett (who I was told by Will's business manager was too embarrassed by it to show his parents). All those guys are going places.

8. Nervously asking my question to the Pineapple Express panel: In Knocked Up you guys smoke up in a variety of different ways. What is the craziest or most creative way you've ever blazed? Answer from Seth Rogen: "The fishbowl scene in Knocked Up is something we did in High School and thought was really cool, but Danny McBride smokes out of his own butt sometimes. And out of a human skull." Danny then agreed!

Side-note: Judd Apatow is hilarious in person. I expected Seth Rogen to be laugh out loud funny, which he was, but Judd is actually the funniest person there. I realize know why he is the king of comedy. He himself is a great comedian.

9. Will Ferrell talking "via satellite" to the crowd for his "Land of the Lost" panel. While at first it actually seemed like he was there, saying hi to people, talking about the movie, even interacting with the cast. Then he started "taking questions." The first person asked, "why did you decide to work on this movie." After a really long delay, Will started laughing and said, "funny you should ask about the sleestacks, they were really a handful to work with...." Then after every question was asked, he'd respond with a wildly incongruous answer. It was really funny.

10. Meeting this guy dressed as the Mad Hatter who talked like the Mad Hatter ALL DAY.

11. Meeting all the guys who used to write for MAD Magazine in the 60s. I used to read all of my dad's old MADs and they all used to be so good. Now they're crap of course, but hearing stories of how the MAD Fold-In started (We thought, Playboy has a fold-out, lets have a fold-in!) was really cool.

12. SWAG. Everywhere I went I got free shit. Free Dwight Schrute poster, Pineapple express car freshener, comic books, pins, "The Flash" and "The Green Hornet" rings, limited edition Iron Man hologram DVD cover, HUMONGOUS Smallville bag, FOX Poster holders and more and more and more stuff. Really a SWAG overload.

It was a physically exhausting day (we got there at 8:30 AM and stayed until 7 PM on Saturday) and by the end of it, my body had just shut down, but it was really fun and if anyone wants to go with me next year, it would definitely be a lot of fun.

On another note, I saw Step Brothers over the weekend and loved it. It was hilarious--the dinner table scene in Talladega Nights was really the type of movie it was; just a bunch of hilarious conversations. I read an interview with Adam McKay (the film's director/co-writer) who said that when him and Will start to write a movie, first they come up with a concept, then they write tons of scenarios or scenes that would be funny in the movie, then they write things they want to see in ANY movie, and only then do they start writing the actual movie/plot. I dont really think this movie made it to the 4th stage, as there was no real plot to be found. HOWEVER, it didnt matter. Most scenes in the movie made me laugh out loud, and every actor really went all out and brought stuff to the table. One of the real scene-stealers was Adam Scott playing Will Ferrell's ultra-successful douchbag, hot-shot brother. My favorite line of his was "Honey. Dane Cook. Pay-per view, 20 minutes!" Hearing Will Ferrell sing opera was also magical. Interestingly enough, the whole movie didnt have as many memorable lines as it had memorable situations.

The one unfunny element of the movie was the constant usage of the word "fuck." The word obviously is not a big deal anymore and I use it colloquially myself, like it is used in Apatow movies. But in "Step Brothers" the word itself was used as a punchline. The first time you heard an adult (Richard Jenkins) say something like, "I dont give a fuck!" it was funny. The second time, when Mary Steenburgen said it, it was kinda funny, but by the third, fourth, and fifth times, it had lost it's shock value. One of the reasons why Anchorman was so popular, was that with the PG-13 rating, they had to make exclamations without using the word fuck. That's why you get phrases like, "Great Odin's raven" instead of "What the fuck!" When, in Step Brothers, the audience was expected to laugh simply because a character said "fuck" in a shocking way, it wasnt funny. The comedy moral of the story is: Use the "f word" sparingly, so when you do use it, it can have a powerful effect. Case in point: "Go Fuck Yourself San Diego."

Until Tomorrow--

ps. If I had known there would be all this talk about "Shes the Man" I would have written a whole post about it. I dont really want to write a whole post about it, so I will say that I do think Amanda Bynes is very talented, very hot (especially in Hairspray), but her one flaw is that as a child, she helped usher in the "overacting/over excited" style while she was on All That and The Amanda Show that every Disney/Nickelodeon actress uses. Especially Hannah Montana.

pps. I think I spoke too soon about Shia LeBeouf having a blemish-free career. That DUI and hand injury is gonna suck for him.

ppps. Hi Cara