Day 45- Thank God Jeff Golblum is Still Alive

Last week I read somewhere about translated movie titles of American movies in foreign markets and I thought I'd share some of them here cause they are so funny:

In Israel:
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs translates to It's Raining Falafel!
Knocked Up translates to The Guy Who Screwed Me
She's the Man translates to She's Got Balls

In France:
The Hangover translates to Very Bad Night
Cruel Intentions translates to Sex Intentions
The Matrix translates to The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses

In Germany:
Airplane! translates to The Unbelievable Trip In A Wacky Aeroplane
Annie Hall translates to Urban Neurotic

In Italy:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind translates to If You Leave Me I Delete You

In the Czech Republic:
Hot Shots translates to Warm Shots

In Argentina:
Grease translates to Vaseline!

That's enough of that. If you guys know more, post them in the comments.

The next thing on the list is a discussion of sexy women who marry weird looking dudes. We see it on sitcoms all the time. How did SHE end up with Jim Belushi?! How did SHE end up with Mike O'Malley? How did SHE end up with Peter Griffin? We all know about Janet Jackson dating Jermaine Dupri and how gross that was. But lets look at 2 more recent examples of this:

Recently, two of Mad Men's female stars, Elisabeth Moss and Christina Hendricks, got married. Both to weird, nebbishly looking dudes. Elisabeth Moss in my opinion is not that attractive, but I guess she's cute, and she's considered one of the more talented young actresses in Hollywood. She was even nominated for an Emmy last year. She could have used her clout to snag one of Hollywood's hot youngin's but she decided to go for the more unconventional route. She's currently married to SNL castmember Fred Armisen. Don't get me wrong, I love Fred Armisen, but he's a tiny, weird lookin dude.

Christina Hendrick's example is far more unsettling. This woman, who plays Joan on Mad Men*, is perhaps the sexiest woman alive right now. And she decided to marry this guy:

Geoffrey Arend. He's the guy in Super Troopers who says, "These Snozzberries Taste Like Snozzberries!" I dont think he deserves to stand in the same room as Ms. Hendricks! If she is a 10, then he is a 2. And it's not like he's Lyle Lovett or Dwight Yoakam who are ugly, but famous and legendarily charming. He's not even David Spade who has a history of banging hot blonds (Heather Locklear, Nicolette Sheridan, Playmate Jillian Grace etc.)

ASIDE: Adam Corolla has a theory that I think has some truth. Women like to date men who have dated hot women because it affirms that they themselves are hot. Why else would anyone date David Spade? He's not that funny, he is about 5 foot nothing, and is about as interesting looking as a table. The story behind Adam's theory is that one time when Corrolla was on the Howard Stern show, he met a hot blond model. Apparently Spade was supposed to appear on the show as well. Adam went up to the model and said, "Hey, do you want me to introduce you to David Spade?" To which the model replied, "Oooh. He dates really hot blonds right? Sure!" She didn't say, "Oh he's cute." Or "Oh, he's funny!" She was clearly interested because she knew that dating him would affirm her own "hotness." Absurd.

BACK TO JOAN. She could have gotten any guy she wanted, and she chose snozzberries? Maybe they started dating before she was famous, but still! He's a 2, she's a 10. You might say, well she plays the accordion, so she cant be a 10. FALSE. Because she plays the accordion she He's a stringbean and she's a whole lotta woman. Can he possibly please her sexually?

Side note: People have speculated if Ms. Hendrick's curves and chest are padded for the show. But as evidenced by this picture...they're real and they're spectacular!

I guess the world is just a crazy, illogical place sometimes, where beauty and the beast can get it on, and where Mystery can wear a huge hat with feathers and goggles and suddenly be The Sexiest Man Alive. Where the talented and graceful Brittany Murphy perishes way too early, but Paris Hilton is still walking around giving people STDs. Where Jennifer Hudson can win an Oscar before Kate Winslet. Where a movie about 9 foot tall, tailed, blue creatures makes $250 million worldwide opening weekend!

BTW: AVATAR=Alice and Wonderland + The Matrix + Pocahontas + The Last of the Mohicans + Dances with Wolves + Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest + Wall-E+Platoon

Where Paul Blart: Mall Cop can merit a sequel. Where Transformers can make $700 million but The Hurt Locker only makes $13.6 million. Where Arrested Development lasts 2 1/2 seasons but "Still Standing" and "Yes, Dear" are syndicated. Where a petition to free Roman Polanski is signed by many, even though he drugged, raped and then sodomized a 13 year old girl. Where Sandra Bullock can get nominated for any sort of award for her performance in The Proposal. AND where a character on 30 Rock needs a kidney transplant, and only 5 months later, an actual cast member (Grizz) needs a kidney. Such cruel irony, world. Such cruel irony.

LASTLY: I just went to a comedy show at the Largo last night. Here are my calls:

Paul F. Tompkins: A
Jon Cryer: B-
Woman comedian talking about the Golden Girls: B
Nick Kroll (pictured): A++. THIS GUY is my new favorite comedian. Not only are his characters (Bobby Bottleservice in particular) hysterical, but his stand-up left me bowled over with laughter.
Tig Notaro: B+
Greg Proops: C

Until Tomorrow---


*When Jon Hamm and January Jones kiss each other on Mad Men who do you think feels luckier? Is Jon Hamm thinking, "Wow! I cant believe I'm getting paid to kiss this beautiful woman!" Or is January Jones thinking (in a Borat voice), "Wa Wa Wee Wa! I cannot believe I'm kissing this man who's brawn and masculinity is only exceeded by his handsomeness!" Personally, I think she feels luckier.
** I just read that former Los Angeles Laker Rick Fox is dating Dollhouse's Eliza Dushku. WOT.

Day 44- Oliver Twist Wanted More

I'm back. After a long hiatus, filled with classes, extra-curriculars, and playing with my new cat (the bestest, cutest, most snuggly wuggly cat in the whole wide world) Snuggles, I've returned to my favorite blog. I have a lot to say, so lets get going.

1. BLOG NEWS UPDATE: As some of you may recall, in a previous blog post I wrote about how David Mamet was adapting The Diary of Anne Frank for Disney. I alluded that said project was going to be very dark, intense and highly unconventional. And guess what---Big Poppa Ethan was RIGHT. Sure enough, Disney is trying to get rid of the project. "It's very intense, and dark and scary," said a Disney executive. "It's not a film version of 'The Diary of Anne Frank.' Apparently, the screenplay that Mamet wrote is not a drama based on the diary, but a story about contemporary suicide bombings.

David Mamet. The man lives by his own rules.

2. There are 3 movies I have seen lately that I will recommend.

a. The first is the Coen Brothers' (Loyal Reader Daniel Arkin just got a boner)"A Serious Man." It's about a Jewish (I know, I know, I got a lot of Jewish stuff in this post. Sue me.) physics professor living in Minnesota in the 1960s. Besides the facts that I very much enjoyed all the Jewish references, and actor Fyvush Finkel (the silliest named actor from "Boston Public") was in it, this movie was remarkable. The story was engaging, always unpredictable, the acting was spectacular (especially Curb Your Enthusiasm and Spin City alumn Richard Kind, and Fred Melamed who's voice is the richest, most soothing, and most luscious voice I've heard since James Earl Jones, and who coincidentally enough voices the Talk Radio show host on "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas"), but the cinematography, the images, the motifs, the sets, the dialogue...EVERYTHING was just top-notch.

SIDETRACK: I've been playing a lot of this game "MT. RUSHMORE" with my friends lately. Bill Simmons came up with it. Basically you sit around and decide who would make the Mt. Rushmore of certain categories, for instance--Rappers. You have to choose the 4 most influential, legendary, important, famous, people in that particular field. There are no right answers, you just have to be able to defend your picks. For rappers I would say Tupac, Biggie, Dre and Jay-Z. For stand-up comedians I would say Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Steve Martin and probably Jerry Seinfeld. ANYWHOZELBEES---I brought this all up because I was discussing the Mt. Rushmore of famous VOICES. Who has the most important, recognizable, influential voices. My picks(and they are subject to change) are James Earl Jones, Morgan Freeman, Don LaFontaine (the guy who used to do the voice-overs for all the movie trailers) and maybe at a close 4th, Martin Luther King Jr. He barely squeaks in. READERS--IN YOUR COMMENTS, WRITE IN YOUR OWN MT. RUSHMORES FOR ANY CATEGORY--its a pretty fun, challenging game.

BACK TO THE MOVIE RECOMMENDATIONS: Anyway, "A Serious Man" raises a lot of interesting questions about life, fate, God, religion, morality, the possibility of a 4th dimension, and much much more. I need to see it at least 4 more times to get it.

b. "Youth in Revolt" is a film that hasnt been released yet, though I saw it at the St. Louis Film Festival. It stars Michael Cera as a.....you guessed it...an awkward virgin. But that's the only real typical thing about this movie. Michael also plays his character's badass alter-ego Francois, who wears tight white pants, has a wispy brown mustache, and does everything that Michael wants to do but doesnt have the guts to. It's really funny seeing them interact with each other on screen. It's like watching the Parent Trap but without the knowledge that the adorable star is going to be a raging coke addict. This movie has hilarious supporting turns by its young actors as well as its older ones, including Steve Buscemi, Ray Liotta, Justin Long, Fred Willard, and, my personal favorite comedian right now, Zach Galifinakis. While Zach Gal is my favorite comedian, Fred Willard is the funniest man alive. Period. Anyway, this movie was very unpredictable, sincere, cute, cleverly written, and had pretty cool animated sequences. Good movie.

c. WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE. Everyone has an opinion about this movie, and mine is that it was WONDERFUL. I felt like it was made for me. The angst, anger, fear, love, and needs of a 9 year old child were perfectly expressed not only by the lead actor, but by the Wild Things themselves. This was not a children's movie but a movie about children. Spike Jonze's vision was uncompromising, dark and real. And I love him for going that far. Listening to an interview with Maurice Sendak, author of the book, describe why he wrote the book, and all the fears he had as a child, it really seems to me that Jonze captured the book's message. Plus, the movie reminded me so much of my childhood it almost made me cry. I'm not going to get into personal details about my young life, but lets just say I built lots of forts, and there are many dents in the walls of my older sister's room. Plus Catherine Keener looks like my mom.

TYPICALLY this blog is not a place for me to review movies, but I felt so good about these three I had to share my thoughts and encourage you all to see them.

OK NOW THAT THOSE ARE OUT OF THE WAY, I HAVE ONE LAST THING TO TALK ABOUT IN THIS RETURNING POST: ANIMANIACS!

I was thinking recently about why I know so much about pop-culture and Hollywood, and I realized that it is most likely correlated to two TV shows I watched religiously in my youth: Reruns of 1980s and early 90s SNL, and Animaniacs!

Animaniacs was one of the first cartoons that was explicitly written and marketed towards children, but in actuality was completely subversive, clever and written for adults.

For example, some of the parodies Animaniacs did were of: The Pirates of Penzance (I am the Very Model of a Cartoon Individual), Goodfellas (Goodpidgeons), Simon and Garfunkel (They did a parody of Feelin' Groovy and changed the lyrics to "Make a Gookie" which was a silly face Wakko always made), Seinfeld, Friends, The Agony and the Ecstasy, Orson Welles (THE BRAIN), the list goes on and on.

There were also decidedly adult jokes and segments, such as the Wheel of Morality, jokes about Bill Clinton, the Three Tenors, Mickey Rooney, a chicken who impersonates a human and who only one person actually realizes is a chicken until he takes off a hat or a mustache and then suddenly EVERYONE realizes he's a chicken, Broadway musicals, and segments where characters explain complex jokes, or complain about their roles in that week's episode.

Awesomely clever Hollywood parodies were also a staple of this show--an entire episode was devoted to the Warners breaking into the film industry! With songs about Variety magazine and even a cameo by Batman and Robin director, the horrendously campy Joel Schumacher, Animaniacs skewed Hollywood better than anyone else.

Not only was this show educational (I know every country of the world thanks to Yakko--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDtdQ8bTvRc, and I know that Lake Titicaca is between Bolivia and Peru, thanks to that great Animaniacs song, "Lake Titicaca"), but every episode had its own original score!

What's interesting is that now, in my adult years I'm finally understanding the jokes! As a kid I had no idea who Mickey Rooney was I just thought his name sounded funny. Now, so often I hear pop culture references and I think to myself, why do I know about this, and the answer is I remember it from ANIMANIACS!

So thanks Steven Spielberg! Not for E.T. or Jurassic Park, or Saving Private Ryan, or Catch Me If You Can. Certainly not for The Terminal (I'm from KRAKOZIA!) Thank you for bringing us Animaniacs, one of the best animated series' of all time.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 43- Real Logline for a script I saw at work: "TWILIGHT MEETS X-MEN...UNDERWATER!"

Boy oh boy are you in for a treat. One of my most loyal and trusted readers Jeff "After watching LeBron I get so hyped up that I want to do Math" Hoffman (pictured right with the freakiest ginger kid I've ever seen) has finally decided to grace us with a guest post. Give yourself plenty of time for this one, its a doozy. But very worth the read. So without further ado:

My dad thinks that Michael Showalter is ugly but Michael Ian Black is cool because he used to watch Ed

-A Guest Post By Jeff Hoffman

I have decided to use Ethan’s blog to expound upon my strange dislike for Entourage, a show that I have loyally watched for the past four years. But before I discuss Entourage, I want to talk about the Killers. Don’t worry, we’ll get to our main point eventually.

Earlier this summer, I stumbled upon the Killers’s performance of a song from the MTV Europe Music Awards. My friend and I watched the footage with our proverbial mouths agape. “Are We Human or Are We Dancer?” Mr. Flowers asked the audience over a wash of synths, stupefying both philosophers and grammar enthusiasts alike. I am sure that you, dear reader, are familiar with this song, but this performance was my first exposure to Flowers’s deep thought provocations.

Last weekend I was in Chicago and on Sunday I decided to go to the last day of Lollapalooza, mainly to see Passion Pit, Snoop, Dan Deacon, and to a lesser extent, Vampire Weekend. The fact that the Killers were headlining that night was inconsequential since I had lost interest in the band after they became MTV staples (as is my music elitist way). I would be coming down from a long day of (partially artificial) excitement, and figured it would be a fun show. And boy what a show it was. By kicking off with that “Human/Dancer” song, the audience was Flowers’s for the taking, and take us he did. While I was unfamiliar with most of the songs from the last two albums, the end of the set ended up being a round of knockout punches. “Mr. Brightside,” “All These Things That I’ve Done,” “Jenny Was a Friend of Mine,” and finally, “When You Were Young.” I couldn’t help but dance, despite my white jewishness and the extremely conscious knowledge of my uncanny ability to be an awful dancer (see below). It was only then, once I had entered the Dancer realm, that I noticed a couple of things. First, despite the guitarist being quite good, his instrument was obscured by the operatic quality of Flower’s voice (who more melodically yells than sings) and the inorganic sounds of the synthesizers. There seemed to be some sort of sheen on all of these songs, as if they were being produced for a record in front of us, rather than just played. Second, the band appeared to be playing in front of plastic palm trees, emulating their native Las Vegas. Third, during this last part of the concert, the video screens behind the band displayed deserts and wide-open skyscapes, quite the opposite of the city skyline that was actually behind them as the concert was in the middle of downtown Chicago. All of these things that I noticed are points to my central thesis presented here. It all seemed inorganic. Artificial. Like the bright lights and synthesizers were urging us to dance, because it is something that we should do rather than want to do. As is inherent in the human condition. We were Human. And only because we were Human we could be Dancer.

At 10:00 central time on a Sunday, as the last notes of “Young” filtered through the air, the fireworks and video screens petered out and I turned to the friend on my left, the same guy who I had watched the MTV performance with, and said “Wow. I feel like I just watched Entourage.” Not in a good way or a bad way. Nevertheless, I immediately realized why I needed to stop watching.

That was my long-winded introduction to my hate letter to Entourage. I have had a week now to think about Brandon Flowers’s Human/Dancer quandary, and have come to the conclusion that it is not a question at all, but rather a weak attempt at being prolific. Reaching beyond his grasp. The words are not what matters, but rather their sound and how they react to the music. The Killers are all style, no substance. Nobody watches Entourage for the storylines. They watch for the glitz, the glamour, the pretty girls and the strangely magical effortless quality that Vince has to lay any girl that he wants. Every guy wants to be in the Entourage group of guys, but few realize that Vince’s world is an idealized, unattainable paradise of pot smoking and bad acting. And these guys barely even smoke anymore. (ED NOTE: I google imaged "turtle smoking" and this is what I got. I love google.") What the fuck? That was my lone connection to them. But I digress. Now allow for some further digression.

Earlier tonight I watched Mad Men on AMC, possibly the best-written and acted show on television today. I care about these characters. I wonder where the series is going. Who will win in this new rivalry between Pete and Ken? I think Pete is going to do something very bad to Ken. It appears that Sal (pictured right) is going to have a season exploring his sexuality. Will he come out to the office? His wife? Will Don ask him what was going on in the hotel? No, probably, and definitely not, as Don knows a man’s business is his business. Don Draper is pretty much a married Vince. He gets any girl he wants and he doesn’t even have to try. Tonight he barely lifted a finger and that engaged stewardess wanted all up in him. That neither of these guys have yet to contract some weird STD is completely crazy. It is important to note that this question would not come up in a conversation about Mad Men but could potentially come up in ANY conversation about Entourage. But why do I care so much more about what happens to Don than what happens to Vince. Maybe it is because Vince obviously couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag while Don has been acting his whole life.

The fact that none of the guys on Entourage can act (unless Kevin Dillon so immerses himself in this role that he is secretly the best actor on TV…he did get an Emmy nomination after all) is a much smaller problem when compared to the reason why I cannot invest in the show. It is the most predictable show on TV. Were any of you surprised that Vince would bounce back after his one episode run of hitting rock bottom (last season)? Were any of you surprised that Mrs. Ari took Ari back in Sunday’s episode? Of course not. This show is simply a vehicle for a bunch of people to have a good time while pulling a fast one on their audience. Remember an earlier episode this season where Johnny Drama got to try out different models for his love interest and how excited he was? KEVIN DILLON ACTUALLY GOT TO DO THIS!!!! He just shot a scene kissing 10+ models! He is living the life of his character. Either the Entourage creative team is made up of the smartest guys in the room, writing scripts so subversive and satirical of Hollywood that no one even realizes that they are subversive or satirical or they are just idiots. I would lean towards the latter. Remember when Jamie Lynn Siegler guest starred on Drama’s show and the way it would potentially jump-start her floundering career? How is that different than Ms. Siegler’s new role on Entourage??? She is actually dating the guy who plays Turtle for fucks sake! Shouldn’t it have been a wake up call for the producers when they were casting E’s love interest Ashley and realized that they had to find an actress who was actually worse at acting than the guy who plays E? I get the feeling that this casting call was eerily similar to Drama’s in the show (Next!). I get a headache every time E and Ashley share a scene. Also, that girl’s eyebrows really bother me for some reason. All right, I am rambling here. Let me wrap up.

Entourage is a bad show. It is neither well written nor well acted. The characters are not compelling in the slightest and their storylines are not interesting because a five year old could tell you how they’ll turn out. Hmmmmm…you think that E will end up with Sloan again only to realize that he was more happy lusting after her than actually being with her? That his new boss is interested in him only because he is Vince’s manager, who is the BIGGEST STAR IN HOLLYWOOD? That Drama will get fired from his show, but will refuse to act out his death? That Jaime Lynn will break up with Turtle because he's too loyal to the guys? That the series finale will end with Vince telling the guys that he has AIDS while they are smoking opium and drinking martinis under the Hollywood sign while they discuss the various ways that they own the city? Well maybe not that last one but we should keep score for the rest. Either way, as long as I see that N for nudity before the show begins, I will be watching. Not because I am Human, but because I am Dancer.

SUPER PS. On a final note, I only find it kind of ironic that the band that the Killers were playing against at Lolla was Jane’s Addiction, performers of “Superman,” Entourage’s theme song. I only consciously realized this fact as I was writing this essay, although my subconscious could have kicked to motivate my statement at the end of the concert. I realize that I did not touch on Ari here and how that role has basically ruined Jeremy Piven’s acting career, but I value Piven’s overacting as much as I value that god-awful smirk that Adrian Grenier has on his face. If you haven’t realized that for the past 2 seasons Ari’s storylines have been trivial and inconsequential, then please pass me the Kool Aid. Only one thing could save this series for me. Coming Summer 2010, Lloyd’s of Hollywood. I would much rather follow that guy and his friends around than Vince anymore. Just leave out the gay sex please, HBO, I’m not really into that. (Ed. Note-Jeff's favorite character on Mad Men is Salvatore Romano).

What a post right! I agree whole-heartedly with Jeff's Entourage observations. And even though he said it all, and you all are probably sick of hearing about Entourage, because I dont want to take up ANOTHER post talking about it, I want to say just 4 things for myself.

1. Entourage is the only show I know that AVOIDS drama and change. Remember last season when Ari got offered the job as head of the studio? Why didnt he take it? It totally could have changed the dynamic of the show and developed new plots in interesting ways. And dont tell me its because it would have diminished the connection between Ari and Vince, because the last time Ari actually had a plot line where he tried to help Vince's career was when he got him the rights to Medellin.

Remember when Vince fired E last season? How long did that last? 5 minutes? Why didnt they let the suspense drag on from that season finale to this season's premiere at least? Or at least create some tension? I know audiences like for everything to be hunky-dory all the time, but audiences really do like suspense. Trust me.

2. Why hasnt Johnny Drama have a plot line until the 6th episode of this season! A plot that btw, doesnt make sense. Why would Johnny think that Jamie would fuck that network exec on one afternoon when she had been dating Turtle for months and obviously could do so much better any day of her life!

3. Where is this season/this show going? Season 2 (my favorite) was the best because the show had a goal: Get Vince in Aquaman. All the drama, including Vince's love with Mandy dealt with that. The project became so hyped and even the fun episodes like the Sundance one had plot elements that dealt with Aquaman. Now, what am I waiting for? Turtle to graduate? There is no direction on this show, and it is killing it.

4. The show is stale. I love seeing hot girls, but I barely saw the face of that college girl! Talk about objectifying women. Her point in this episode was to have a vagina that Vince could fuck so the writers wouldnt have to think of any story to give him.
And in terms of celebrity cameos, havent we seen Mark Wahlberg before? Oh yea, last season...on a golf course!

The truth is that we've already written more words about Entourage than the show deserves. It sucks. And heres two sad scoops for you to take home:
1. There is no irony for this show. The creator Doug Ellin takes the characters seriously. He thinks of them as real people based on him and his friends. My friend heard Doug speak about how Entourage is really a story about four friends who have undying loyalty for each other yada yada yada. So if they take this shitty show seriously, then imagine what type of shit we'd be getting if they DIDNT!

2. The truth is, none of us would be complaining about this show if it was on the CW. Since its on HBO, we expect better. So does HBO. HBO knows that creatively, the show sucks. The president of the company recently held a forum for HBO employees and some asked him why Entourage was so bad this season. The president said he knew it was bad, but the ratings were high, so there was nothing they cant complain.

So heres what we can do. Lets all shut up about a stupid fucking show thats just entertainment anyway and start spending time trying to stop European sex trafficking. Did you see TAKEN! That shit is real! And fucked up!

Until Tomorrow--

Day 42- The Day the World Went Away (but not really)

In Jay Leno Voice: So ahh....David Mamet is in the news today. Did you read about this? Did you hear about this? Apparently he's going to direct a new Anne Frank movie based on her diary.

In regular voice: You know what that means? JOKES!





Anne should have remembered: A B C. A always. B be. C closing. Always be closing. The window. So Nazis dont see her.

I cant wait to see Joe Mantegna and Bill Macy nail their performances as Papa and Mama Frank respectfully.

Even RICKY JAY'S MAGIC couldnt help the Frank family disappear!

Maybe Tarantino will have a directing cameo where the Franks get their revenge by going ape-shit all over the Nazis!

In this cameo Christopher Walken can also do a monologue about how he hid the Franks in his ass.

Maybe Jeremy Piven will sign on to this movie and then quit because his part doesnt involve him yelling into a phone. And he has mercury poisoning.


Sample Mamet Anne Frank dialogue:
Otto (sees Anne looking out the window): ANNE! What-
Anne: What?
Otto: Why are you-
Anne: Looking out the window?
Otto: Yes. Why are you looking out the window?
Anne: Because I was-
Otto: You were--
Anne: Bored. Thats it. Bored
Otto: Bored you say?
Anne: Thats what I said didnt I?
Otto: You were just so fucking bored.
Anne: Well I'm in a fucking attic doing nothing but fucking brushing my hair all day and night.
Otto: Well I'm sorry that hiding from Nazis didnt make it into your fucking daytimer!!
Anne: FUCK YOU!
Otto: FUCK YOU!


ALSO in the news: Michael Douglas' son Cameron again. 2 weeks ago he was arrested for attempting to smuggle crystal meth from New York to LA. He was released on bail, but confined to his mother's Manhattan apartment. He was just arrested though for having his girlfriend smuggle him heroin through...THE BATTERY COMPARTMENT OF AN ELECTRONIC TOOTHBRUSH! Police say they knew something was up when Cameron seemed very nervous and tense about when his toothbrush would arrive.

I dont know if I have anything hilarious to say about this other than its ironic that his dad was in TRAFFIC playing the head of the President's Office of National Drug Control. In the film, unbeknownst to him, his daughter is a huge coke addict. I guess this is yet another example of life imitating art....

LASTLY, some recommendations:
WATCH- Michael and Michael Have Issues--The first episode started a little weak, but it just keeps getting better and better. The banter between the Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter is perfect, and the story lines of each episode are very clever and funny.

LISTEN (to) the COMEDY DEATH RAY RADIO PODCAST on iTunes. For free. It's an hour long comedy show with guests like Andy Samberg, Zach Galifinakis, Aziz Ansari, Jon Hamm, Rob Huebel, Nick Kroll, Paul Scheer, Weird Al and more. Its basically comedians joking around, doing characters, and making fun of Entourage. Which by the way....ABSOLUTELY SUCKS this season. It insults me.

EAT- Food. If you dont, you're going to die.

THIS IS ME AS A CHARACTER ON MAD MEN















Until Tomorrow---

Day 41- I'm going to make a sequel to "That Thing You Do" called "That Thing We Did"

Hello Readers,
Havent seen you guys in a while. Where've you been? Vacationing? Where? In Bermuda?! With Who!? GARY!! That sonofabitch! He told me he was with Betsy and the girls in Cape Canaveral! And all this time he was-WELL, he'll be hearing from me soon.

Anyway--a lot to cover this day.
First, I dont have a twitter. I'm not planning on getting one any time soon. Why? Cuz I think they're mostly stupid. I also would rather save my savory comic morsels for this blog. Twitters are good for 2 people: hilarious comedians and NBA players. I dont really follow anyone's twitter as even celebrities' are typically stupid but here are the ones that I do like

1. http://twitter.com/robhuebel
Thats one of the guys from Human Giant. He doesnt write shit about where hes performing. He also doesnt mostly write about shit hes doing. What he DOES write is hilarious little tidbits. For example:
---The Myrtle Beach airport bar is a great place to meet single, pregnant moms drinking...and try to get them double-pregnant.
---I am not the star of HBO's new show, "Hung". But my mom says I could have been.

2. http://hoopshype.com/twitter.html
This site lists all the twitter action from NBA players. These guys are the vainest silliest, and sometimes just dumbest people in the world, but I love it. Here are some golden ones from today:
Tyrus Thomas: If you a dude and you're "too real" for BLACKsummer's night, chances are you're not REAL
Drew Gooden: At Walgreens and never knew they had restrooms??? It's pretty cool in here! Lol!
(ps. check out Gooden's back head soul patch....)
Shawn Marion: Wow jus caught last half of glory mathew broderick did a great job whatever happened to him

3. Bill Simmons--http://twitter.com/SportsGuy33
If you love Bill Simmons...

Next item of business. I was at the MJ Memorial. Big Ups to J-wizzle dizzle and her momizzle whos friendizzle got us the hookup for floor seats.

What a show. Anyone who's anyone, or has ever been anyone was there. I made a list of the celebrities I sighted personally (that is, people who I saw in the crowd):
1. Larry King with his hot ass wife
2. Shawn Wayans. Where was Marlon? Probably sucking it up in G.I. Joe: The Rise of My Boner When I see Sienna Miller
3. Mini-Me (Verne Troyer) riding....a motorized SCOOTER! Down the aisles. Not only is it funny to see a midget in a scooter! But it was MINI ME! Suffice it to say, it brought some much needed levity.
4. Steve Urkel--Who actually looked more like Stefan Urquelle, if you get that Family Matters reference.
5. Fonzworth Bentley sans Diddy and his umbrella
6. Lou Ferrigno. Dude's still got it.
7 (and my personal favorite). THE HUGE TALL BLACK SCARY PRISONER FROM THE DARK KNIGHT! The guy on the prison boat who says my favorite line, "I'm gonna do what ya'll shoulda did, ten minutes ago."

BTW--In the shooting script of the movie the line is, "I'm going to do what you all should have done ten minutes ago." So props to Chris Nolan for letting his actors take some liberties with his language.

I met this huge tall scary man (Tommy "Tiny" Lister--The "Tiny" for obvious oxymoronish reasons) and he is in fact tall and scary in person. He even has a glass eye! But he was totally nice and let me take a picture with him while shaking his humongous elephant hand.

I was doing some research on imdb and this guy is in an upcoming movie called "Lean Like A Cholo: The Movie" where the description says: A comedy about a bunch of homie Cholos, trying to do the right thing, the right way for the right reasons, but always get it wrong.

I think this movie is replacing James Cameron's Avatar as the most anticipated movie of the year for me.

8. Kobe Bryant: A god among men.
9. Billy Bush and Nancy O'Dell, the hosts of Access Hollywood- They had a little trouble finding their seats and they got there a bit late. I guess they just didnt have the necessary...ACCESS.
10. The HOST OF SUPERMARKET SWEEP! He was sitting right in front of me! Wow. How did he get floor seats I wonder. I used to love that show, and seeing him in person really brought me back to a time where TV used to have game shows where people ran around supermarkets grabbing as much expensive food and giant inflatable hams as they could.

Those were the celebrity highlights. As for the ceremony itself, it was really powerful. A lot of people were in tears. I myself dont get too emotional about celebrities dying, simply because I dont know them personally. But when MJ's daughter spoke, unnecessarily in my opinion (Janet was supposed to talk and instead she passes the mike to her 10 year old niece! To speak to an arena of over 18,000 people!), it really did remind me that Michael Jackson wasnt just MICHAEL JACKSON. He was a dad. And thats something to be sad about.

The speakers were great, Queen Latifah's reading of Maya Angelou's poem was beautiful, as was Smokey Robinson's reminiscing over 11 year old MJ. Martin Luther King Jr's kids also spoke eloquently about how Michael called their mother on her death bed and told her he was praying for her (now if the kids could only stop fighting over money!). Al Sharpton was a little over the top for me. As Seth Meyers wrote in his twitter: Al Sharpton to MJ's kids:"Your daddy wasn't strange!" Al Sharpton to Peanut Butter:"You are not made of butter and peanuts!" Jennifer Hudson clearly had the best, most rousing performance, and as a sidenote--

Even after Dreamgirls, I was not sold on her. Obviously she sang "And I am Telling You" well, but what else could she do? Well--after hearing her sing the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl, some song at the Grammys, and now "Will You Be There" at this event IM SOLD. She has an UN-BELIEVABLE voice. Aretha-ish. I'm not kidding. When its on SHE BRINGS IT.

Anyway--it was a lavish but relatively gentle and kind memorial befitting the most controversial, exciting, and arguably most talented and influential entertainer of our time. He lived only 50 years, but undoubtedly he will be globally remembered forever.*

Until Tomorrow--

*Unless aliens attack the planet and destroy every book, every magazine, every form of print ever existing ever, the internet, film and television archives, and every trace of human invention and then wipe out our brains and replace our memories with thoughts solely of the "leader" and our next two tasks.

Day 40- The amount of time the Israelites wandered through the desert. And the age Steve Carrell had sex in the 40 Year old virgin

Hey everyone, I know I am supposed to be writing Part 2 of the last post, but I think I would rather do "this" right now. "This" being, only writing short snippets of nonsense that I have picked up. So:

1st snippet: Have you heard of that movie The Dark Knight? It came out last summer. It was about a bat. Anyway, do you remember that actress who plays Commissioner Gordon's wife? The red head who's in about 4 scenes and cries in practically every one. Every time I saw the movie I racked my brain trying to figure out where I recognized her from. It killed me every time. Then, finally-without looking it up on IMDB, it hit me last night like a James Brown song. She was in that classic 1998 Leslie Nielsen spoof film, "Wrongfully Accused!" She plays Leslie's love interest--the sultry, silly "which side is she on" seductress Cass Lake, who has such funny lines as:

Cass Lake: You see, I think she's my sister.
Ryan Harrison: Sister?
Cass Lake: It's like a brother, only you do each other's hair.

There are other funny lines in this movie, such as
Ryan Harrison: Don't move. I've got a gun. Not here, but I got one.

also: Ryan Harrison: [to Sean] Right? Signal "yes" by shooting yourself in the head three times.
Lauren: Don't, it's a trick!

And I got one more for you just for kicks:
Ryan Harrison: Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face.
Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt.
Ryan Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.

I usually dont quote that much on the blog, but this movie is actually pretty funny, and I just read all of those and each one made me laugh out loud. BOY! It actually felt good writing that entire phrase out. Laugh out loud. You should try it some time.

Anyway, not only was this actress in both these movies, but she also played a pivotal role in one of my favorite shows on teleivison-- MAD MEN! I know there are only some readers who actually watch the show (<5) but I'm going to write about it anyway to get you all to get in the game!

She played Bobbie Barrett! The last woman Don Draper had an affair with and then one who I wrote about a while back. She was the one he FISTED in the back of a restaurant!

Thats all I will write about that. I dont want to spoil anything for those of you (all of you) who havent watched Mad Men yet.

Anyway--impressive lady. Impressive body of work. Impressive crying in Dark Knight (I have now seen that movie 6 times btw, and I cant wait to watch it again.) Oh. And the actress's name is Melinda McGraw.*

One more thing to post. I just read this from a reliable source. (It was imdb). Why didnt I just say, "I read this on IMDB." Cause I like the term reliable source. It makes me sound like a journalist when really I am typing this post while wearing nothing but boxers in my bed, while listening to a song from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog's 2005 comedy album, "Come Poop With Me." Anyway! The News!

The stars of Harry Potter are getting a makeover from the team behind Brad Pitt's transformation for The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button - they're set to be digitally aged for the final movie.

They are going to use the same technology as they did in Benjamin Button to make the three stars of HP look older for the epilogue scene in the HP7P2. (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. They are splitting the last book into 2 movies to make more money). This means they'll probably use different actors' bodies and superimpose new digital faces of the original adorable threesome.

PS. If you could have a threesome with any "trio" of famous characters (must include at least one member of your same sex), who would it be? My top 3 off the top of my head.

1. Harry, Ron and Hermione
2. Lizzie McGuire, Miranda and Gordo
3. Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Princess Leia

(illegal 4th option): Any 3 of the members of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
(illegal and disturbing 5th option): Sonic, Tails and Knuckles

I guess this new Benjamin Button tech shit is cool. I just hope they dont make HP7P2 8 hours long.

This turned into a much longer post than I expected. Oh well. Better for you all.

Until Tomorrow---

*I did it. I spoke about The Dark Knight without mentioning Heath Ledger. Oh wait...shit.

Day 39- The Triumphant Return: PART I

Ladies and gents, I'M BACK! Obviously I've been away for quite some time doing god knows what, god knows where, but I've truly missed all of the great times I've had with this little machine, and the "kehillah" or "community" forming in the comments sections. I miss the report (pronounced like "Colbert Report"), the laughter, the tet-a-tet. So without further ado here is some more nonsense:

Something has been troubling me lately. For the past half decade, some of my favorite comedians growing up have been making increasingly unfunny comedies. These comedies have stupid stories, unfunny dialogue, mailed in performances, and ultimately insult the intelligence of the viewer.

Can you think of something more depressing and disappointing then seeing a comedy and NOT LAUGHING EVEN ONCE? I cant. And I once read about the Cambodian Genocide.

I cant wrap my head around it. Jim Carrey is a funny guy. He's proved it time and time again. The fact that Adam Sandler has been around so long attests the fact that he has a personality and sense of humor that resonates with people. Vince Vaughn KILLED me in in Old School and Wedding Crashers. Will Ferrell and Mike Myers are two guys I WORSHIPED in middle school and high school and by universal standards are two of the funniest guys on the planet. So why have all these people made such unfunny movies recently?

Lets go into a little more detail: (and I apologize in advance if all of these parentheses make your computer crash)

JIM CARREY:
Golden Years: 1994- 1998

Jim Carrey obviously had it made. He was the first guy EVER to get a $20 million payday (for....The Cable Guy), and unanimously (or at least says my April 1997 Disney Adventures Magazine) was the funniest guy in the world. He wanted to stretch as an actor. Good. You cant be gooey your whole life (although maybe Evan Kuhn can be an exception).




TRANSITION

1998: Jim does The Truman Show. FANTASTIC. Great movie, interesting plot, well acted, showed range. I think of the Truman Show every time I cross a street and hold out my hand to let the driver know I'm crossing the street. THE UNIVERSE REVOLVES AROUND ME! The score for that movie is also pretty wonderful.

(Me as America talking): Anyway, good for you Jim. Now lets get a comedy!

1998: Nope, Jim decides to have a small part in "Simon Birch" (a small, moving family friendly film about a boy with stunted growth but big dreams and a big HEART!) Please hold your laughter at the picture. Please....tryy..to contain....laughter...BAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


I apoligize.

Ps. guess what else the director of this movie has directed. You'll never guess. Give up? DAREDEVIL, ELEKTRA, AND GHOST RIDER! WTF! Who is this guy? How did this guy get big budget Daredevil if all he had directed before was Simon Birch? NONSENSE. Anyway---

1999- Jim does "Man on the Moon." A drama ABOUT a comedian (Andy Kaufman). Great move Jim. Absolutely fantastic movie! Jim's performance was remarkable, touching and accurate and shockingly did not get nominated for an Oscar. (Undoubtedly it was a strong year for best actors: Denzel in "The Hurricane," Kevin Spacey in "American Beauty," Russell Crowe in "The Insider." But STILL, I'm sure Jim's performance was better than old fart, Richard Farnsworth who was nominated that year for "The Straight Story."

SIDENOTE: This movie also holds a close place in my heart because in 7th grade for our "Wax Museum" I dressed up as Andy, acted out a whole monologue and even wrote a "diary of his life" based on a biography written by Andy's best friend and writing partner. Andy Kaufman was a brilliant, tragic man. Google him if you dont know who he is.

OK JIM! WE LIKE YOUR DRAMATIC SIDE! JUST GIVE US A COMEDY!

Fine. He does Me, Myself and Irene in 2000 which is arguably the LAST FUNNY MOVIE JIM CARREY HAS EVER MADE. Think about that--Jim Carrey, the "Funniest guy in the world" hasnt made a FUNNY comedy in almost 10 years!

SIDENOTE: I hate Renee Zellwegger in everything except for Jerry Maguire (which is a phenomenal movie, and one deserving of an entire post). One more thing: I dont think there is anything remotely attractive about Renee Zellweger. And finally: Renee Zellwegger's face always looks like she is reacting to someone teasing her, and her saying with a fake smile that raises the cheekbones, "ha ha. very funny." (INTERACTIVE PART: Try making this face while looking at a picture of Renee Zellwegger. Its uncanny!)

He did "How the Grince Stole Christmas," which was an intersting performance, but not funny and not a great movie. He did the god-awful, "The Majestic," he made the comedy "Bruce Almighty" but the funniest part of that movie was obviously STEVE CARRELL (AHHH! CaCa Poo Poo Doo Doo!) Here are some gags from the movie: Jim Carrey as God makes his gf's boobs bigger. He splits traffic. Walks on water. Makes his dog pee in the toilet. Lifts up ladies' skirts on the street. REALLY? A man can do ANYTHING IN THE WORLD HE WANTS and the funniest gag they can think of is that he makes his dog pee in the toilet?! Come on! Practically every situation in Liar Liar was funnier than that whole movie.

Next--Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Wonderful, amazing, brilliant, touching, visually stimulating, clever, creative, truthful, thought provoking, genuine. But not a comedy, so we MOVE ON:

2004: Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events. Eh.

2005: Fun with Dick and Jane. The first time I saw this movie was on a date (YES WITH A GIRL!) in high school, so I never actually WATCHED the movie (wink wink, nudge nudge, blammy blip blop! A WOOOO GAAA!) but I saw it again on an airplane, and laughed maybe twice. And it was at Alec Baldwin. How can anyone think that watching Jim Carrey sing "I Believe I Can Fly" in an elevator is super funny. Its cute. Not clever. Not funny. And Judd Apatow helped write this movie...tsk tsk.

2008: The Number 23: Not even worth discussing

2008: Horton Hears a Who: Cute movie, but its animated so I wont really discuss it. I will say that I think Jim was not very funny in it. I think he was a bit miscast. I prefer the Andrew Klein interpretation. Actually, I think the problem was they made Horton a goofy character, and in the book, he really isnt. He's a sincere and simple. Not manic and crazy. You know who would have been great in the real version of Horton? Greg Kinnear. Why? Because Greg Kinnear can do anything.

2008: Yes Man. Jim's RETURN to comedy again. Guess what. I saw this movie and laughed during ONE SCENE. And it was watching Murray from Flight of the Conchords making funny faces. Thats it. So either Murray is REALLLY FUNNNY or the movie is REEEEALLLY NOT FUNNY. I think its both.

HOLY COW. I realize now that I've written too much. So I will make you a deal readers. I will make one concluding point here now, and then leave more in Part 2 of this post.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS: Is Jim Carrey still funny? Did he lose his funniness? His sense of humor? Does he know what is funny anymore? OR is he trying to play characters that he THINKS people want to see him play? Is he right to do this?
Bruce Almighty seemed like the perfect movie for him. Were the jokes so stupid because he and the writers thought that these types of jokes would appeal to the masses? Or did they actually think they were making a great, hilarious comedy? I am not sure. I would admit it may be a bit of both. I saw Jim Carrey on Oprah plugging "Horton Hears a Who"(Today. In Israel. When this episode must have aired months ago when it came out in theaters or on DVD) and he was wacky and zany and wiggled around the stage, and made jokes, but he wasnt that funny. Steve Carrell came on and made me laugh three times as much in his first 3 minutes. So maybe Jim Carrey has just gotten stale or is not as funny as he used to be. Or maybe he is just being the Jim that he thinks we all want him to be? Maybe he just assumes we'll laugh at him doing anything. I dont really know. Maybe he just needs better material.

UNTI---

WAIT! ONE MORE THING THAT IS HILARIOUS. SO--Dakota Fanning's career took a nose dive and she became a media punchline when she took a part in the indie, "Hounddog." A movie where in it, she gets raped. She apparently wanted to be taken more seriously as an actor. Getting paid $10 million to act with DeNiro, Denzel, and Sean Penn were not enough. To show people how serious this 11 year old was about acting, she thought she had to get RAPED. But NO ONE agreed. The movie was heavily panned. She was criticized for taking such a ridiculous role, and her child-friendly image was tarnished. Guess who took her place in all of those cutesy kids-teach-adults-a-thing-or-two-about love and/or responsibility and/or friendship and/or conquering ones fears-movies---ABIGAIL BRESLIN. She fulfilled this part well, and was raking it in. Surely she wouldnt grow up as quickly as Dakota and Lindsay Lohan.....

FALSE. Abigal Breslin (aka cute girl in little miss sunshine) just took a part in an indie called, "Rape: A Love Story." WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GIRL THINKING! Dakota gets chastised for being in a movie where she gets raped, but Abigail Breslin thinks its wise to be in a movie with the word RAPE in the TITLE! Oh, dont worry. Abigail isnt the one getting raped. She merely WATCHES her MOTHER get GANG-BANGED! WTF! Hasnt she learned anything from Dakota? Abigail Breslin was ALREADY nominated for an Oscar. What is she trying to prove? Does she think the movie is going to play well? Is she trying to shove it to Dakota and say, "I can be in a movie with RAPE in the title, and it will make 3 times as much as that movie you were raped in!" Does she really think people/critics/people who help her income want to see a movie with the word "rape" in the title?!" Can 11 year old Abigail Breslin spell, "rape?" Does she even know that boys have penises and girls have vaginas? Hollywood is certainly filled with NONSENSE.

Until Tomorrow---