I'VE MOVED!

HEY EVERYONE!

I'VE MOVED WEBSITES!

EHOLLYWOODNONSENSE CAN NOW BE FOUND AT:

WWW.EHOLLYWOODNONSENSE.COM

No more blogspot :(

THANKS FOR READING!

DAY 52- One for every week of the year. Also the Atomic Number of Tellurium! Bet you forgot that.

TRAILER TALK!

Have you seen the new trailer for YOGI BEAR? I have! It looks terrible!
I really liked the choice of Dan Aykroyd for Yogi Bear (just as I think Bill Murray as Garfield was an inspired choice), however Justin Timberlake as Boo-Boo is stunt casting if I've ever heard it. (I guess you can't really make the argument that Americans were waiting for Dan Aykroyd and J-Tizzle to really GO AT IT with each other...but still.) Justin Timberlake's Boo Boo voice is just Justin with a high pitch whine. Every time Boo Boo has a line I think, "Hey Justin Timberlake's in this movie." (Truth be told though, every time I see Justin Timberlake anywhere I think--"Hey! There's Justin Timberlake.")

Also, I'm not a tech nerd, but the CGI just looks terrible. The other bummer is that Anna Faris is in this movie. She has such a promising career! I don't know why she would lower herself to this "Alvin and the Chipmunks" ripoff garbage. (I mean...I do know--$$$!)

**Sidenote-- Since Alvin and the Chipmunks came out a few Decembers ago and made like $200 million, every old cartoon is being converted into a CGI movie. The Smurfs Movie is coming out soon, starring Neil Patrick Harris. There is also a Speedy Gonzales Movie starring George Lopez, a He-Man Master of the Universe Movie and a Thundercats movie all in the works. Not to mention past movies like Speed Racer and Underdog. The hope is that teens/adults who remember these cartoons will take their kids to see the movies, thus appealing to 2 or 3 of the 4 crucial demographics (those being: MEN, WOMEN, Kids, Older Folks). The only problem is--a lot of those cartoons werent good, and were not meant to have characters sustained for over 10 minutes. For example, Speedy Gonzales is funny for 5 minutes. I can't imagine watching him for 90. Hollywood--stop turning fine cartoons into shitty movies!

BUT BACK TO YOGI BEAR--What good is having this movie in 3D? (I know I know! $) but still! Unless Yogi can actually steal the popcorn on my lap, there is nothing that 3D can help this movie "achieve." I think in some cases 3D will end up hurting the movie more than helping it, like with Cats and Dogs 2 in 3D which came out this past weekend. Parents aren't going to be willing to shell out 18 bucks for a real shitty movie. 12 bucks maybe, but not 18.

MOVING ON:
The Social Network- You've probably already seen the trailer for this movie, but if you haven't you should watch it now! It looks awesome, which I'm sure the movie will be, considering it's directed by David Fincher (Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac) and written by Aaron Sorkin (A Few Good Men, The West Wing). The acapella use of the song "Creep" against backgrounds of facebook's features really gets the audience uncomfortably thinking about their own facebook use. The trailer is also interestingly and intensely cut.

A few years ago, Aaron Sorkin started a facebook group so he could find out more about facebook from the inside. This was a while ago, before your mom and your seven year old sister could sign up. So I appreciate that he did his research. But this movie isn't going to be about where "poking" comes from. It's a drama about friendship and business and trust and money and relationships. The intriguing part is that the backdrop of the movie is obviously a website, nay--an institution that is so integral to our every day lives, but who's origins are still quite the mystery for most of us. I'm excited for this movie. But this is the last movie I want to see Jesse Eisenberg in, playing a more confident, smarter Michael Cera. Ok Jesse?

LET'S TALK ABOUT CRAZY THINGS IN HOLLYWOOD
1. Paramount signed on to make a 3D Justin Bieber biopic/concert film. To be directed by none other than the director of Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth." WOT! I'm not even mad that they're making a Justin Bieber movie, cause honestly, that was to be expected. After all, it's Justin Bieber's world now. We're all just living in it. The sooner we realize that the faster we can get on with our lives. (By the way Usher is smiling in this picture because for every record Bieber sells, Usher makes like $15. Usher owns Bieber. He's like Strombolli, the evil puppet master who discovers Pinnochio, lets him sing "I've Got No Strings" and makes straight up cash money.)

But Mr. Director sir (Davis Guggenheim), who also just directed a documentary about the failure of the public school systems, How can you possibly go from directing movies of the utmost importance and relevance to America and the global community to a CONCERT movie starring a universally disrespected 15 year old pop queen. And no disrespect to concert movies--Martin Scorsese does excellent work with the Rolling Stones. But Mr. Guggenheim, The Rolling Stones Justin Bieber is not.

IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS! (2 days after I began writing this post.) Guggenheim just dropped out of the movie. Darn. That was so close to being the craziest thing I've ever heard. The fact that he had legit signed on to do it is still crazy, but in the end, thank God, all this Guggenheim talk is for naught.

*Sidenote--Justin Bieber is really one of the most polarizing figures of today. Spending the summer around kids aged 9-15, I have realized that one either HATES Justin Bieber with a passion and want to rip out his larynx, decapitate him, take out his brain insides, fill it up with Smarties, and turn his head into a Bieber pinata....OR you LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER SO MUCH IT MAKES YOU PUKE! You have to watch BABY 30 times a day, you have pictures of him all over your bed, and you live your life by the Bieber code--just be yourself! There is no middle ground. Kids dont "not give a shit" about Justin Bieber. He's like the "Inception" of popstars.

Also, Justin Bieber is writing a memoir. Or more like telling a writer funny stories about his first haircut and the first time he was raped by pixies.

HOLLYWOOD NONSENSE NUMBER 2-

As pointed out to me by Daniel "I know Gregory Rollman" Arkin, Universal is developing the film BATTLESHIP, based on the board game, as a starring vehicle for Rihanna. The logline is as follows: "Battleship will unfold as a massive Naval adventure across the seas, in the skies and over land as our planet fights for survival against a superior force."

YEA FOR MAKING QUALITY MOVIES!

HOLLYWOOD NONSENSE NUMBER 3-
Hollywood is remaking Ahnuld Schwarzenegger's TOTAL RECALL.

What's with all the Ahnuld remakes! First Predator, then I hear about a Commando remake! Now this? STOP remaking Arnold movies! They're not going to get any better. They're perfect the way they are. Please! Leave AHNULD ALONEEEEE! Abadah.

Thanks for reading!

Until Tomorrow---

Day 51- I have a friend who looks like Haley Joel Osment. Whenever I'm around him I have to double check to make sure I'm not dead.

My INCEPTION Experience

Trailers:
1- TRON: Legacy--The action looks cool, but the main actor, newcomer Garrett Hedlund, seems like a bad actor.

2- DUE DATE: Starring my two favorite people, Robert Downey Jr and Zach Galifinakis (a match made in heaven), this movie promises to be funny. It is also directed by Todd Phillips, who did Old School and The Hangover. It seems like a dog with a cone around its head has replaced "Carlos" as Zach Galifinakis' funny accessory.

3- THE TOWN- Good news: A cool, gritty, bank robbing heist drama. Bad News: Directed by Ben Affleck. Good News: Starring JON HAMM!!!! Bad News: He has lines like "This is the not screwing around crew!" What a stupid, weird, not-dramatic line. Also, in the beginning of the trailer, Jon Hamm asks the girl, "Could you see anything through the blindfold" and then after some quick cuts of crazy shit, she says after a dramatic pause....."No." After which, Jon Hamm looks up dramatically, giving a look that says, "UH OH. That's not good." IT'S NORMAL! She was blind folded! Of COURSE she wouldn't have been able to see anything! DUH! This movie looks like its trying to do waaay too much. It seems almost like an amalgamation of lots of too many movie cliches--Cops vs. Robbers, Family v. Friends, Old Life v. New Life, Get Rich or Die Trying, Boston Trash v. the Upper Crust, Daddy Issues. There are random shots of baseball games, of Ben Affleck taking off his mask revealing that HE IS A ROBBER, and a mandatory "DO YOU LOVE ME?" line. Too much ridiculousness. As much as I like the actors in this movie, it looks really stupid. Check out the trailer though: http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/wb/thetown/

ALRIGHT--ON TO INCEPTION!****PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE SOME SPOILERS!

I really enjoyed Inception. I was never bored. I was amazed by the visuals. The acting was great. It was super fun. It made me use my brain. Having said all that, to me Inception was a movie that could have been written by some seriously drug-induced college film majors who had been up way too late doing drugs.

Bro: Dude--you know how sometimes you have some weird fucking dreams.
Guy: Yea dude totally.
(Bro takes massive bong rip)
Bro: So like, last night I dreamed I was like dreaming....but like I woke up. And I was like---but THIS isn't my room! Cause it was liked filled with sharks. And then I really woke up.
Guy: Dude that's intense.
Bro: I know dude! THERE WERE FUCKING SHARKS IN MY ROOM! Like there was one on the futon.
Guy: I like, can never remember my dreams.
Bro: That's the way it works Brosario Dawson.
Guy: WAIT! Dude--you know how I have to write like 15 pages of the screenplay for Wednesday.
Bro: That's today.
Guy: Well...fuck.
Bro: What were you gonna say though?
Guy: Well like what if...like I wrote a movie about like my dreams.
Bro: Like the shark on your futon
Guy: Well not---
Bro: Cause they already did that with Shark Tale.
Guy: No, its not about the sha-
Bro: That movie was HILARIOUS! Cuz like Will Smith was a fish---
Guy: Stop.
Bro: And like Angelina Jolie was a fish--and I'd never gotten a boner around sea life before--
Guy: STOP!
Bro: What?
Guy: I wanna tell you about this movie!
Bro: (pause) What movie?
Guy: So this movie--theres a guy, and he likes goes INSIDE DREAMS!
(Bro does a line of coccaine)
Bro: And he fucking TAKES THAT DREAM!
Guy: What?
Bro: FUCKING JUST SNATCHES IT! Like a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie!

(Bro suddenly swivels his head around jarringly. Rushes to the pantry. Takes out a bag of Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip cookies. Looks around)

Fuck.

(Pause. Then looks straight over at refrigerator. Rushes over. Opens it and takes out a jar of peanut butter. Smiles. Takes a cookie. Opens the jar and jams cookie as hard as he can into the peanut butter. Takes a bite.)

Oh my FUCKING GOD! YES! YES! FUCK YES!

(Goes and sits back down next to Guy)

So then he like has to replace the dream with something else! Like another dream!

(Guy does a line of coke)
Guy: These dudes go around stealing dreams from people's minds!
Bro: And then one time they go deeper! Like a two-layered dream!
Guy: Like mine!
Bro: WAIT!
Guy: What?
Bro: WAIT!
Guy: (pause) What?
Bro: Am I real?
Guy: Dude.
Bro: Don't mess with me now.
Guy: Dude you're real.
Bro: Touch my ear.
Guy: Dude why are you bugging out?
Bro: CUZ I'M ROBOTRIPPING!
Guy: You're robotripping?
Bro: Yea dude, we're robotripping remember?
Guy: NO! Wait....what?
Bro: Look!
(Bro points to an empty jar of Robitussin on the coffee table)
Guy: Dude when did we decide to robotrip?
Bro: I don't know....Monday.
Guy: What day is it today?
(Bro looks at the Peanuts clock on the wall)
Bro: I don't know! WAIT! (pause) It's 2:15.
Guy: We started watching TV at like 11.
Bro: That's when we must have started tripping
Guy: I feel like I've been high for 96 hours!
Bro: Wait. Family Guy is on at 1.
Guy: Right. (pause)
Bro: Is this real life?
Guy: We couldn't have been tripping for 96 hours cause I had lunch this afternoon and I wasn't robotripping.
Bro: Each minute feels like 4.
Guy: I'M TETHERED TO THIS CHAIR!
Bro: What!
Guy: Kick my chair! I can't get out of it!
Bro: Are those stairs going up or down?
Guy: How much does this pen weigh? It feels different from before!
Bro: THERE'S A TRAIN COMING RIGHT TOWARDS ME!
Dude: WHY IS GROWING PAINS ON TV!
Bro: THE ROOM IS CAVING IN!
Dude: CHRIS WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!

(In the corner, a young man named Chris Nolan is laughing and typing furiously at his type writer.)

FLASHFORWARD 25 YEARS.
Warner Exec (putting down a script): This isn't bad Chris, it's just...it seems like...you were on something when you wrote it.
Chris Nolan: I'm sorry, how much did The Dark Knight make?
Warner Exec: Inception is green lit. Here's 150 million dollars.

Those are my thoughts. Like I said before, I thought it was a really cool movie. It just seemed like the plot was actually very simple: Guy has to convince other guy of something so he can get what he wants. But it was made super complicated just for the fun of it. And they added explosions and stuff cause--why not? Everyone loves explosions! But it was well-acted, and Juno was good.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 50- The Golden Blogpost

First off, I would like to thank all you readers for your continued support of my blog. Your positive comments and enthusiasm makes it a joy for me to write. When I started the blog 2 years ago, I thought it was going to just be a summer project to keep me busy, but now, 50 posts later, because of your continued readership, I'm still going strong. So thanks!

Some interesting news: I have a statcounter on my blog so I can see how many hits I get, and two weeks ago for some reason I got an abnormally high amount of hits. 743! Then 300 the day after, 200 the day after that, and it has been in the hundreds every day since then. I tried to figure out why, and after some research I found out that a lot of those numbers come from people who get to the blog through a google image search. Specifically one google image has lead a lot of internet browsers to me.

This picture of BUG HALL. The kid who played Alfalfa in the Little Rascals movie. I wrote a post on him a couple years ago, and that page is considered a lead "entry page" into my blog. How could 235 people want to google a picture of Bug Hall? My guess. It's Bug Hall. Every day he googles himself at least 30 times, and he gets his parents and siblings to do the same, just to see if anything's changed. Anyway, thanks Bug! You've really increased my visibility on the internet.

ALRIGHT. Now the good stuff:

I've been really into Arnold Schwarzenegger movies lately. They are a pleasure to watch, the action is always pretty good, and they all rate about a 10.0 on the unintentionally funny scale. My most recent foray into Ahnuld cinema is the film: THE LAST ACTION HERO.

THE LAST ACTION HERO is the most Meta movie I've ever seen. It's about a loser kid who LOVES movies (no, that DOESN'T sound familiar to me). Especially Arnold Schwarzengger movies (interesting...). But he loves movies where Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a bad ass cop named Jack Slater. This kid is friends with this old dude (played by the guy who plays Jack Lundy in Mrs. Doubtfire) who runs a movie theater in the ghetto of Los Angeles. The old dude gives the boy a magic movie ticket that HARRY HOUDINI gave to him as a kid, and the action begins.

Now Harry Houdini was known for being a magician. But no one thought he was actually magical. This movie's entire plot is predicated on the notion that Harry Houdini is magical. Moving on.

The kid takes Harry Houdini's magic ticket with him to watch a Jack Slater movie, and suddenly BAM! The kid's in the Jack Slater movie! With Arnold Schwarzenegger. Playing Arnold Schwarzenegger playing Jack Slater. You still with me? The kid tries to convince Jack that he's in this movie, and that he is actually Arnold Schwarzenegger, but Jack refuses to believe this, even though the kid predicts when Jack is about to say things like, "Ill Be Back."

By the way: I hate "kids" in movies. They are so annoying and they ruin everything. Kids who are supposed to play self aware characters who say things like, "Mom wouldn't like this!" or "That was AWESOME!" just piss me off. Especially kids in adult movies. Kids who are cute and stuff like Mara Wilson are adorable, and I can't get enough of them. Alright. Back to the movie.

The movie seems like it's just a spoof of Arnold movies, but starring Arnold himself. So you get intentional humor, like this funny sequence where you see a preview of Arnold playing Jack Slater playing Hamlet and there is this exchange:

Hamlet: Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake!
Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.
Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince.
Hamlet: [shooting him] Who said I'm fair?
Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night.
Hamlet: To be or not to be? Not to be. [shoots him].

And of course there are the weird, ridiculous, intentionally funny, but in actuality disturbing, lines of dialogue like this:

Danny Madigan: I though I was going to die.
Jack Slater: Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation... and your first divorce.

Premature ejaculation? WTF.

The movie is also weirdly meta because other actors appear as themselves playing a "character" in movie reality. The kid, Danny, recognizes this one policeman as F. Murray Abraham, the actor who played Salieri in the movie "Amadeus" (which is about Mozart). But then the movie gets weird. Jack Slater says he's never heard of Mozart, and then later on when Jack gets into the real world, he listens to Mozart for the first time and really likes it. So in MOVIE Land, Mozart never existed? No Classical Music exists? How did music progress? Was it just Gregorian chants? Reading too deeply into absurd ideas like this make this movie particularly fun to watch.

But back to META-LAND. As I just mentioned, Jack Slater gets transported into the real world to try and stop the movie's villain (an actor doing a half-assed Alan Rickman impression) from killing the "real" Arnold Schwarzenegger at a movie premiere for a new Jack Slater movie.

So lets try and sort this out. We have Arnold Schwarzenegger playing Arnold Schwarzengger playing Jack Slater. Then we have Arnold Schwarzenegger playing real life Arnold Schwarzenegger, who himself is just another parody of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Who is the real Arnold? What's going on!!!!@!#$%^#@$%^#$%^

Sidenote: This reminded me of the last episode of this season's Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Larry David plays George Costanza in a rehearsal for the Seinfeld reunion. What was bizarre and meta about this was that Larry David the person was playing Larry David the character playing George Costanza the character who was based on Larry David the person. TRRRRIIIIIPPY.

Anyway this movie was fun to watch, was directed by John McTiernan, the director of DIE HARD, and I recommend it to anyone in the mood to get their mind blown. Also Veronica Vaughn (Bridgette Wilson Sampras) is in it. Score.

To speak further about Arnold himself, I must say that he is such a fascinating person. The man is our governor. Californians elected Austrian body builder and film action star Arnold Schwarzenegger (who had no prior governmental experience) as our governor because we loved his persona. During the election, he played himself up as the action star and that's why we voted for him. We wanted an action star as our governor. That's why I don't lay the blame with him, I think that Californians have a very strange sense of reality. In our minds, we cannot separate him the character from him the person because we love Hollywood, and who really is Arnold the person?

Then we were surprised and disappointed that he had trouble balancing the budget and passing effective legislation. That's what happens when you elect the Terminator into public office!

True Story: I met Arnold Schwarzenegger as a child. I was in a dance studio with my mom waiting to pick up my older sister who was in a jazz class with Arnold's daughter. Arnold was there to pick her up. Two moments stand out for me 10 years later:

1- I was drinking a Mountain Dew, and I burped fairly loudly. He turned around in his chair and looked at me in disgust.
2- We were in the studio watching the girls show us (the parents) the new dances they had learned today and Arnold kept yelling things out to the 11 year old girls. Things like: "Shake it Katarine!" (his daughter). "Move your bodies girls!" and "YEA! That's GREAT!"

ARRRRRNOOOOLLLLDDD!

This is him smoking a joint.

I wonder if he's played the part of Ahnuld so long, even he cannot distinguish his persona from his true self. I hope so. That's the world I want to live in.

Until Tomorrow--

PS. If you are a reader of this blog, and you have your own blog, please feel free to link my blog to your blog. If you let me know, I will respond in kind. Thank you. And God Bless America.

Day 49- I can't believe I'm going to say this, but there is going to be an Oscar Winner in "Soul Plane!"

Last Wednesday night, a gift was given to me. This gift wasn't a material object. Twas no car, no book, nor temporary tattoo. Twas no gummy bear, no basket, nor CD-Rom. The gift I was given was HBO showing the 1978 film, "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" last Wednesday, at 2 in the morning. I had kind of knew of this film's existence because I had read a tiny blurb about it in a magazine when "Across the Universe" came out, but as I was watching this movie, I was shocked that no one had ever really spoken about it to me before as this movie fills satisfies two of my most major interests:

1. The Beatles
2. Crazy ridiculous comedy (intentional and unintentional)

Let me go into more depth about why I was shocked that I had never seen or been referred to this movie. As a Beatles fan/buff I figured I was at least familiar with all things even remotely Beatles related. I know all the Beatles stories, I've seen every episode of the Simpsons that had featured a Beatle (there are 3), I saw the Cirque del Soleil Beatles LOVE show, and I even took a pilgrimage to Liverpool last summer for crying out loud. (The picture on the left is me at John Lennon's childhood home). So why hadn't any person, book, or retrospective told me about ANOTHER movie that featured exclusively Beatles songs.

As a comedy fan, I am always on the lookout of things that are funny, and I think I do a pretty thorough job of finding all the funny in blogs, mustaches, books, comedians, movies, silly objects etc. And as much as I love intentional comedy, I sometimes equally love unintentional comedy. For example, I love old records with hilarious covers, I love Bushisms, Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, Teen Wolf, and pretty much anything that is hilarious because of how dated it is, or because of how serious it was supposed to be taken. (The picture on the right is what I found when I googled "unintentional comedy." The one getting stretched is former NBA point guard Sam Cassell.

So you can imagine my delight when I began watching "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band" about 1/3 of the way into the movie. By now you're probably asking, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MOVIE?! Why do you like it so much?! Why do my parents hate me? While I can't help you with answering the last one, I will surely address the other two.

"Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band" is a 1978 musical starring Peter Frampton and the BeeGees (who by themselves rate about a 9.5 on the unintentional comedy scale). This is the first hilarious part about this movie. What could the producers of this movie have possibly been thinking?


Producer 1: God I love the Beatles!
Producer 2: Who doesn't?
Producer 1: Communists. That's who.
Producer 2: Alright Producer 1 take it easy.
Producer 1: Sorry. Hey you remember those earlier Beatles movies? Like A Hard Days Night, and Help?
Producer 2: Sure. Those movies were the best!
Producer 1: Ok, well what do those movies have in common?
Producer 2: Are you serious?
Producer 1: Just go with me on this!
Producer 2: They both had the Beatles.
Producer 1: Aaaaaannnnddd.....
Producer 2: Aaaaaannnd what? This is stupid.
Producer 1: Aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnddddd.........
Producer 2: Alright I give up, just tell me.
Producer 1: AAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD........
Producer 2 (pulls out a gun from his desk drawer): Say AND again! Say AND again!
Producer 1: Fine. I'll tell you. They both feature Beatles MUSIC!
Producer 2: Well....yea. What else are the Beatles gonna sing?
Producer 1: Well, what if we could make a NEW movie featuring Beatles songs!
Producer 2: The Beatles broke up 8 years ago! They aren't going to want to do another movie!
Producer 1: So we'll get another group to sing their songs!
Producer 2: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Who wants to hear anyone other than the Beatles sing their songs?
Producer 1: (Does line of coke) I KNOW! We'll get the BEEGEES!
Producer 2: You've just done way too much coke. The BeeGees?!
Producer 1: Everyone loved their music in Saturday Night Fever (which I produced).
Producer 2: Well that's because it was THEIR music. Why would the BeeGees even agree to do this movie?
Producer 1: Let's just say there are some pictures Robin Gibb would not like the public to see.
Producer 2: You're insane!
Producer 1: Oh I'm not insane! It will be a crazy psychedelic adventure! We'll get Peter Frampton in it too!
Producer 2: Peter Frampton?!
Producer 1: Yea, and Alice Cooper! And Earth Wind and Fire! And we'll put Steve Martin in it!
Producer 2: That stand up comedian?! He hasn't even been in a movie! I dont think he sings!
Producer 1: And then George Burns will narrate!
Producer 2: George Burns! Why the hell would he agree to do this movie?
Producer 1: Lets just say there are some pictures George Burns would not like the public to see.
Producer 2: You're crazy. You've done way too much coke today. Maybe you should lay off it a bit. Relax. You're out of your mind!
Producer 1: CRAZY! I'm not CRAZY! (Pulls out a gun from his desk drawer)
Producer 2: Hey Producer 1, what are you doing?
Producer 1: I'm craaaazy all right! Crazzy like a fox!
Producer 2: Put down the gun ok. It's not a toy.
Producer 1: You'll see! You'll all see! This movie will rule I tell you! I'm back baby! I'm back! Ma! Look at me! I'm on top! Haaaa haaaaa! MAMMA! LOOK AT ME!
Producer 2: Alright that's enou--
(SHOT GOES OFF! Producer 2 looks down at his chest. Presses two fingers against his ribcage. Pulls them back and stares slowly at them. They are tainted with blood. He looks down. There is a bloody patch on his shirt that is growing. He looks back up at Producer 1. Producer 1 just stares back at him. Fade to black).

Alright. Now that we got that covered let me tell actually give you all some more detail about this movie. Here are some highlights that made me feel like this movie was made for me at that moment I was watching it.

1. Only 15 minutes before I was in my room where I have a hilarious BeeGees Record "Children of the World" taped up to my wall. I turn on the TV and there are the BeeGees! They are on top of a roof. BUT FROZEN LIKE STATUES. A girl gets off of a bus coming from HEARTLAND and stares at them. Then the camera cuts back to the girl. And back to them. Each time the camera cuts back to the girl we get closer and closer for no reason. Then the music starts. On top of an adjacent building we see 3 "Dreamgirls." They begin to sing a really slow trippy version of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Then, the main girl gives each Bee Gee Statue a stare, and they COME TO LIFE. Then magically they are transported to the Dreamgirls rooftop, about 5 meters away (!!). After about a minute of elbowing each other and looking happy and turned on by how "hot" the Dreamgirls are, they rush over and start to dance with the Dreamgirls. Again more weird close-ups of the girl. Did I mention Barry Gibb's hair is out of this world.

2. Another scene had a mad scientist Steve Martin singing "Maxwell's Silver Hammer," in his crazy laboratory and then zapping the BeeGees with lasers as they try and steal a silver Trombone. Did I mention that the BeeGees never talk the entire movie. George Burns narrates and the BeeGees just sing in falsetto and make knowing glances at each other. At the end of the scene, Peter Frampton gets tased good.

3. After that, the girl (from the weird close-ups) takes unconscious Peter Frampton into her arms and starts singing Strawberry Fields Forever to him. The tears that swell up in her eyes during the song end up dropping on Peter Frampton. The tears also each have a different picture of the girl in them. Peter Frampton wakes up and he and the girl hug while the girl continues to sing. Then they look at each other, her still singing. Then they hug again. They do this for the rest of the song. Repeatedly looking at each other and then hugging. No kissing. Then she wouldnt be able to sing! It's as if the producers said: well we spent too much money on the last scene, lets just not do anything during this song.

4. Alice Cooper sing-speaks "Because" in front of a bunch of people he is brainwashing. Think that scene from Zoolander where Mugatu makes that crazy video that tells Zoolander to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. This video is crazy trippy animation mixed with Alice Cooper, and the words "We Hate Love. We Love Money."

5. The BeeGees decide to participate in a PARADE! They're on a float singing and dancing to "For the Benefit of Mister Kite!" with elephants, clowns and jugglers! They're all wearing ridiculous costumes too. Then suddenly...GEORGE BURNS APPEARS (sans his trademark cigar). He joins the procession and gets his own verse in the most insane musical numbers I've ever seen. It's a parade. With the BeeGees. And Peter Frampton. And George Burns. And all wearing ridiculous costumes. And they're singing Beatles songs. And they're all smiling.

That's all I'm going to give you. I IMPLORE you to watch this movie. To be honest, in a later viewing I watched the movie from the beginning, and the beginning just so bad and ridiculous (as is the plot--if you though the plot of "Across the Universe" was weak...) that I urge you to watch the movie halfway through with no idea what is going on. It's much more fun that way.

I'll leave you with one more nugget of hilarity. Apparently, Robert DeNiro had was cast in one of the lead roles in Edge Of Darkness (the new Mel Gibson movie). But sources claim, "he was fired because he didn't memorize his lines". Now, Robert's people would not confirm nor deny this statement. HOW CRAZY is that?! Robert DeNiro! One of the best actors of all time! Decided "fuck it, I dont want to memorize my lines." This supports my theory that Robert DeNiro simply doesnt give a shit anymore. He made his good movies. He's happy with them. Now he's content to win lifetime achievement awards, and earn fat paychecks. Look at his imdb page and explain to me why every movie he's made since 1997 is horrendous (save for Meet the Parents. I love that movie). Rocky and Bullwinkle? Showtime? Hide and Seek? Stardust? Righteous Kill? Ok, maybe he was swayed by Pacino on that, but FUCK THAT. When the third actor on the call sheet is 50 Cent, I think you have to know that you're not making an actual movie. Is DeNiro waiting for his pal Martin Scorcese's obsession with Leo DiCaprio to subside? DeNiro just changed agencies, so maybe this can be a good thing. All I'm asking is for one more awesome performance before you die Robert. You've become a parody of yourself now, it's time to shape up. I know you're old. But c'mon. Gimme one more. Please?

Oh, and just a reminder--Mel Gibson still hates Jews. Just because some time has past doesnt mean he hates us less.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 48- "Knight and Day" is One of the Stupidest Titles I've Ever Heard

Since it debuted last year after the season finale of American Idol, GLEE has become a cultural phenomenon. People seem to love the cast, the music (which is hitting the tops of the iTunes charts), the tone, the stories and all of that hullabullo. I myself must admit that I do indeed enjoy the show from time to time. (FALSE. I never miss an episode on Hulu.) But as much as I love the beautifully Semitic Lea Michele and outrageously hilarious Jane Lynch, I do have a few petty gripes about the show.

1. The actors who play Finn and Puck are 27 years old! The actor who plays the Will Schuester, the teacher, is 31! True, both "high schoolers" dont exactly look 27, but now that I know they are, it just is a bit weird for me. I wonder how old the actresses are...(Yea--the guy in the picture looks 16!)

2. Will Schuester tears up more than middle schoolers do at their last school dance. I feel like he cries in every episode! In the pilot he cries when he finds out his bitch wife is pregnant and when the kids sing "Dont Stop Believing." I think Will cries in episode 3, when he finds out his dad is going to law school. He cries in another episode when he sees the fake sonogram of his fake baby. He cries when his kids do nice things with wheelchairs. He cries when he finds out his wife has been lying to him, he cries when he realizes that the teacher he has a crush on is getting married, and he cries when he hears the kids sing at sectionals over the phone. He cries when he ties his shoes. He cries when he has to make a number 2. The dude is one big crying pussy. As my friend Joseph "loves to go mountain climbing in the terrorist infested Sinai Desert" Rosenberg says way too often, "MAN UP!" Stop crying all the time. It cheapens real emotional moments if he cries every damn time something happens to him!

3. Terri Schuester. Will's wife. She's just plain annoying. You hate her from the first episode and never realize why Will is still with her. Luckily, it seems as if she's out of the picture a bit more.

4. Everything Mercedes Jones says is cliched "sassy black woman" speak. For example:
"Oh, HELL to the naw! Look, I'm not down with this background singing nonsense! I'm Beyoncé, I ain't no Kelly Rowland."
"Why do we need to go all vanilla on this song? What we need is my chocolate thunder."

I feel like Mercedes' only defining characteristics are that she is sassy, and proud to be black. There was one episode where her character was given a bit more depth (the one where she wants to date Kurt), but that storyline was used more as a plot device to help Kurt come out. All I'm saying is, give the sistah* more to do and say!
*J.Wizzle, as the "Ehollywood Nonsense Race Expert, maybe you have more to say on the subject...?

5. I dont think Puck is a great actor, and there's too much baby mama drama. Hopefully that will all end soon.

THAT'S ENOUGH ABOUT GLEE. I'm going to switch gears now to do something I was thinking about today.

BEST OF LISTS
Here are some of my TV Best Ofs.

Best Sitcom of All Time- Seinfeld
- Perfect storytelling and timeless.

Best Animated Sitcom of All Time- The Simpsons
- Set the bar. And continued to raise it.

Funniest Show of All Time- Arrested Development
- Also the most brilliant.

Funniest Kids Show of All Time- Animaniacs!
- I've written about this before.

Weirdest Kids Show of All Time- Weinerville
- What isn't weird about giant heads in tiny bodies?

Best Show about Presidents of All Time- The West Wing
- The theme music seals the deal for me.

Best Show from Australia- Summer Heights High
- Puck you Miss!

Best Comedy Series That Only Lasted One Season- Stella
- Modern day Marx Brothers shorts

Best Drama Series Set in an Office- The West Wing
- I love me some Jedediah Bartlett

Best Comedy Series Set in an Office- The Office (UK)
- I have to choose this over the US version because it came first.

Best US Version of a British Comedy Series- The Office (US)
- There you go.

Biggest Impact of a Show With A Short Lifespan- The O.C.
- Think about it, it is responsible for Laguna Beach, all the Real Housewives Shows, Gossip Girl, and the entire ABC Family lineup. It reinvented or perhaps reinvigorated the prime time soap opera by involving hot, rich teenagers.

TV Show that Launched the Career of the Biggest Star- The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
- I was tempted to say E.R., but Up in the Air did not make $70 million opening weekend.

Best Series Taking Place in the 1960s- Mad Men
- Runner Up: The Brady Bunch

Best IMPROV TV Show- Whose Line is it Anyway?
- Half of America had never heard of improv until this show

Guy who felt the worst when another TV succeeded- Jamie Kennedy
- Seeing Punk'd become a cultural phenomenon, after his own hidden camera show, "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment" bombed, must have SUCKED.

Best Dan Schneider (look him up--he created all of Nickelodeon's shows and their spinoffs) Show- All That!

Best Sketch Comedy Show of All Time- SNL
- Name me another sketch comedy show that's lasted 35 years

Best TV Theme Song of Al Time- Growing Pains
- There are so many good ones, but for me, this one sticks.

NOW SOME WORSTS!

Worst Game Show Involving Suitcases- Deal or No Deal
- SIDE BAR ANECDOTE. An episode of Deal or No Deal was on at the gym (YEA, I GO TO THE GYM! SO WHAT?) and it was a college edition. When I tuned in, the dude picking the suitcases had 4 left: $5, $10, $50, $50,000. He picks a case--it's the $50,0000 one. He's then given a deal for $25. He says no deal. He picks another case. It's the $50 one. He's given a deal now for $7.50!!! No deal! He picks another case! $10! So he's left with his own suitcase worth $5. It was the least amount of money I've ever seen anyone win on any game show ever! Hilarious!

Worst IMPROV TV Show- Wild N'Out
- Nick Cannon is to comedy what Mariah Carey is to comedy

Worst Premise for a TV Show- My Mother The Car
- The guy's mother was reincarnated as a talking car!

Worst Spinoff- Joanie Loves Chachi
- I love Joanie. I love Chachi. I dont like Joanie Loves Chachi.

Show that Most Definitely Was Racist- Homeboys from Outer Space
- This was a real show. It starred the guy from "One on One" (Flex Alexander). I think the NAACP staged an intervention.

Worst Lead Actress on a TV Show- Fran Drescher
- I dont want to talk about it.

Alright. I'm spent. I'm sure there are a lot more I could write about, but I'm tired and I want spaghetti. So...

Until Tomorrow---

PS. How do you pronounce Ke$ha's name?
PPS. Agree OR disagree with my bests/worsts? Comment!

Day 47- Apparently I skipped entry 37, but i have 47 posts...interesting.

The following stems from a conversation between myself and Daniel "I taped cotton balls around Bleeding Gums Murphy's feet in my toy Springfield Universe tableau to replicate the exact moment in The Simpsons, episode "Round Springfield" where Lisa and Bleeding Gums jam to 'Jazzman'" Arkin:

A series of Hollywood WTFs:

1. The New Spider-Man

Spider-Man 4 is suddenly becoming a Spider-Man origin story sans Director Sam Raimi and the original cast. Why? Because Sony wanted a new Spider-Man movie in the next 2 years and Sam Raimi wasn't happy with the quality of the scripts and wanted a higher budget than the $230 Million they had planned.

This is upsetting on so many levels. We all know Hollywood (and apparently shareholders in the CORPORATION that wants as much of the aptly named unobtanium as it can get) is all about the bottom line. Money. So I can understand why Sony would not want to spend $230 million on a movie franchise who's time in the cultural spotlight may be a little past. However, this tactic of going back to another origin story seems to me to be unwise. Firstly, even though the Spider Man 4 script has gone through 4 writers (among them Seabiscuit's Gary Ross, and Pulitizer Prize Winner David Lindsay-Abaire), Sam Raimi has been resistant because he felt that the script was simply not good enough and that he could not make the start date of the movie and keep the film's creative integrity.

So there you have it. A studio being impatient and now, having to start from scratch to make a 2012 release date. All business aside, I dont see how an origin story can help this franchise. It had an origin story nine years ago! It's not that far from people's minds. Reboot origin stories have worked in the past with Batman, James Bond, "Sister Act I: The Birth of Christ", "Jingle All the Way I: The First Jingle....AND THE LAST(?)", "Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married" prequel, "Tyler Perry's Why am I a Baby?" and the upcoming prequel to the yet to be released Miley Cyrus movie, "The Last Song," entitled (but I think this is just a working title) "The First Period." These movies have worked because, in the case of Batman and I believe 007, these famous characters had never had their origin stories on film (save for the couple minute introduction in Tim Burton's Batman). Also, both Batman and Robin, and Die Another Day had strayed so far from the tone of the source material that there was no place else to go but back to the beginning. Both Batman Begins and Casino Royale preserved the artistic integrity of the source material, and carried the same tone. Batman comics were not always campy, silly and ridiculous, and Ian Flemming's James Bond did not battle villains with fake faces who constructed space satellites intended to harness solar beams to cut through the minefield in the demilitarized zone in North Korea, allowing North Korea to invade other countries and rule the world. The original Bond worked on a slightly smaller scale.

Anyway--2001's Spider-Man was an origin story that DID capture the tone of the comics. Tobey Maguire played Peter Parker, a high schooler with a crush on a girl, who along with the stress of being a teenager and living with an old geezer aunt, had to deal with super-powers and bad guys. So where do you go from here? A Spider-Man crime noir like the Dark Knight? A Spider-Man in which a naked Peter Parker gets repeatedly socked in the balls by a rope with two brass balls on the end of it (a weapon who's only purpose appears to be hitting men in the swimsuit area)? Do you skew Spider-Man even younger by casting Zac Efron? Do you make Mary-Jane a little more Chicano?

In this version, when Spider-Man is nervous and excited he breaks out in a song called, "Nervous and Excited."

Do you cast Jesse Eisenberg and make Peter Parker more intellectual and Jewish? Or do you cast Michael Cera and make Peter Parker a virgin? Do you cast Justin Long and make Peter Parker boring? Or do you cast Zach Galifinakis and make Peter Parker fat and with a beard?

Anyway, as you can see, I'm not too thrilled at the possibilities for this movie....Actually--just save us all the trouble and cast Justin Timberlake. Throw artistic integrity aside. I would totally see that movie. When's the new album drop J-Tizzle? I think I speak for all of us when we say we're ready for you to bring Sexy Back...AGAIN!

2. The Whole Conan/Leno Debacle
There already has been so much said on the Internet on the subject that I will try and remain brief. My opinion is this: NBC put themselves in a terrible situation, and did not have a plan B.
First, with the knowledge that Jay Leno was number one in the ratings, they still edged him to retire, and in 2006, all parties agreed that Jay Leno would leave the Tonight Show, Conan would host the Tonight Show, someone new (it turned out to be Jimmy Fallon) would host the Late Show, and Carson Daly would still be a huge tool bag who hasn't really existed since 2002.

Even with, as Conan himself put it, "more lucrative offers" available, Conan waited it out expecting that as his contract as guaranteed, he would host the Tonight Show. The time came, he was given the show, and all was well....until a big boned butthead decided that he didnt want to retire, even though he had agreed to it 3 years prior. Ok, fine. He's entitled to change his mind, but the Tonight Show wasn't his anymore. This is where NBC screwed everything up. They decided that they wanted to keep Jay, as he was very popular. Again, understandable, as he would have otherwise gone to another competing network. But their plan did a lot more harm than good. Not only did they get rid of all of their 10 o'clock dramas, making network TV even more of a wasteland of shitty serials and reality shows, but they also screwed all of their affiliate stations whose news programs were losing viewers because they were coming after Jay, and no one wanted to watch another crappy talk show.

By the way, it should be noted that this year, the dramas NBC has on the air now are: Trauma, Mercy, Friday Night Lights, Heroes and 2 Law and Orders. That's it. I still love NBC comedies, but seriously? Putting on Jay Leno and having this drama lineup basically says, "We don't know how to run a network, or find good material."

Besides the network being an asshole to Conan now, stabbing him in the back and showing him zero support after he moved his whole family, staff, and life, and after only 7 months of show, my biggest problem is this I guess: Why does Jay even want to do a talk show anymore? He doesn't need the money. He doesn't need the affirmation--everyone knows he was a successful Tonight Show host for 17 years! Is it for the comedy? The need to put out something original, creative, and innovative? No. Have you seen the Jay Leno show? He just does his same old bits, and then hires OTHER comedians to do field pieces. Does he really like interviewing celebrities? I can't imagine that. It's not like he's really asking them pressing questions anyway.

So Sandra Bullock, you are in The Proposal...what was it like when your husband proposed to you?
So Gabourey Sidibe, was the movie Precious really based on the book 'Push' by Sapphire?

I know Jay loves stand-up. But NOTHING is stopping him from doing that. He could do stand-up every day in front of a live audience for the rest of his life!

Conan LOVES the Tonight Show. He wouldnt have stayed on NBC this long if he didn't. He also LOVES comedy and the talk-show format. He is always doing innovative comedy pieces and pushing the limits of what a talk-show can be. Why take that away from someone in order to put on mediocrity? Conan clearly has so much more to give.

I'm sure it all comes down to money, and no one at NBC wants to lose their jobs. But c'mon suits! You've become the laughing stock of the entire industry. Start problem solving and figure out a way to keep Conan, because if he leaves (and I believe he will unless something drastic happens) the brands of The Tonight Show and NBC will be tarnished forever.

***In the midst of writing this post it seems that the rumors are that Conan is going to leave, giving NBC a royal f-u, and hopefully recoup the $60 million that his contract entitled him to, if he were to be "fired," and that Jay will either be given a new show called the "Tonight Show" or will leave too. NBC royally fucked up. Conan is in talks to have an 11-12 show at Fox. I will be watching that show.

****I just realized that I was entirely NOT brief. Oh well.

To end on happier notes
1. Go rent/buy the film: "In the Loop." It was the smartest, and one of the funniest comedies of the whole year.
2. I'm very excited to see Ricky Gervais host the Golden Globes. Make no mistake, I could give 2 shits about the Golden Globes, but I LOVE Ricky Gervais. He promises to be cheeky, tart, funny, and drunk. If you dont believe me, check out any of his award show appearances ever. Or this clip of him and Elmo, which is one of my favorites:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr9_5uZn6ds
3. Apparently on February 20th, live at the Nokia Theatre, Will Ferrell is with former Angelino and new Seattletino Pete Carroll, hosting a benefit show with performances from Tenacious D, Tim and Eric, Nick Swardson (who I saw at Century City the other day wearing very low shorts), Demetri Martin, and more. I will not be in town, but if I were, I would definitely get tickets.

Until Tomorrow---